The Age of Reasonable Doubt

Okay. The holidays are over and some serious thinking is now called for. Let’s get down to the relationship business. For instance, there is an age-old question about male/female communication. Are the differences between the way men and women talk to each other biological or sociological or a combination of both? Despite all the literature, we still flounder in the dark for answers.

One of the big cries from women is that their mates just don’t listen to them. The results of females and males not connecting verbally may be portrayed as amusing in plays like Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus or in TV situation comedies like Everyone Loves Raymond and the classic, All in the Family.

Comedic presentations about the inability of men and women to communicate may underplay the seriousness of the situation. To my way of thinking, making too light of the dilemma perpetuates the problem. Why change something that provides amusement? It’s easier to laugh than deal with the underlying issues.

The not-so-funny statement that “men are just little boys,” is often met with a resigned shrug, indicating acceptance. But, if we don’t question the problem, it comes with disastrous consequences. If we are not hearing the words, let alone the nuances, in the speech of a mate, it quickly diminishes the relationship and is probably at the root of many breakups. This applies to both men and women.

It comes back to the question, are the differences biological or societal? Many think it is biological and therefore impossible to change. Perhaps it is a little of both. I’m convinced that we reinforce the biological in childrearing by role training that has a far greater influence in separating the sexes. As adults we become unable to hear each other.

I maintain that because society has told men from early on that it is too “feminine” to talk about feelings, it has followed men into adulthood. Men have difficulty listening to anyone talking about feelings. If they show that they buy into a conversation that has any sort of “female” taint, their egos are diminished. By and large, not taught to be nurturers. They are encouraged to problem solve.

In “Can’t We Talk?” (condensed from: You Just Don’t Understand) by Deborah Tannen, a specialist in linguistics, she says, “…I have studied how the conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play.”

I think socialization must be changed before both genders fully understand each other. As adults, change is possible with a good deal of listening and some hard work. The real key is training from infancy. After all, think about all the influences that abound in society that influence men and women.

Even today we set up role definitions, for the most part, with toys – dolls and doll houses for girls and building sets for boys despite what enlightened parents say to the contrary. Even on an unconscious level there is a fear that by encouraging male children to be more sensitive there will be repercussions, either taunting by other children or the fear of making their sons gay. And, visa versa.

In toy stores we still find items separated by gender. What about all the animated characters designed for child appeal? Many of the cartoons personalities that imitate positions of authority are generally male, and those in helping positions tend be female. There are numerous other examples, but two that need highlighting are the parents that encourage young boys to win at sports at all costs. The other is the image of the strong, tough football players (male), and the less important (female) cheerleaders who are generally gorgeous, body-beautiful and sexy. Stereotyping is perpetuated.

Deborah Tannen also says, “Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.”

Ms. Tannen continues. “…Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.”

Often, the end result with this kind of societal pressure is that a man feels he’s lost power and his "entitlement" to be in command when he listens to his wife or negotiates with her on an issue. He is sometimes unwilling to give up the smallest piece of his fierce need for independence and if he does he feels like a wimp. The woman often feel overpowered and dominated – a bad recipe for a relationship. So much of this is the result of early training.

These differences leak into every aspect of relationships. After years of conditioning, many women are often still timid when it comes to sex. Often they are afraid to verbalize what they would like for fear of hurting the man’s ego or of looking too eager – hence the faked orgasm. She might hope her man will ask or voluntarily touch her in places he knows will please her rather than make a point of it.

Well, here’s the rub (not intended as a pun). Often, a woman who asks a man to bring her to a climax and enjoys returning the favor is sometimes looked upon suspiciously by some men. It’s not uncommon for a man to ask, “Where did you learn to be so hot?” Well, do I ask where you learned those tricks, mister? There is a tendency to assume that the more experience a man has, the better. It doesn’t always work that way for women. Yes, friends, these learned attitudes still exists although, I admit, it is much more subtle today.

A man once told me he won’t date women who have been single for a long time – over five years. His reasoning was she had to have been with too many men.

The first time I was asked by a man, that I was really into, where I got my varied "...knowledge of sexual stuff," I was dumbfounded. I thought we were behaving like equals. When I didn’t answer he pressed me to respond. I said that my late husband was a good teacher in the bedroom. I realized later that, even though it was the truth, I answered in a way that made me look “virginal.” Lo and behold, he asked again a week later. I got ticked off and said, “I’m a nymphomaniac, and I go with any man I can for sex.” He got it and apologized. That was a big moment.

May big moments be fruitful and multiply.

The sexy G