The Age of Reasonable Doubt

Now that the holidays are coming up, being older and single might make us feel our aloneness more keenly. For the most part, few of us have learned how to be alone. Many people feel as though they are half a person if not in a relationship. That’s nonsense propagated by society and by couples in particular. If at least forty percent of the population is single, you are among a large crowd.

After I became widowed, there was lots of advice. Even unhappy couples advised me to get a partner or else I’d be looked upon as flawed or a loser. Some married friends dropped me when I became single. Those who did seemed to be only able to function as couples or else were very insecure about their husband’s faithfulness. It was as though they assumed that if a woman was single she had to be a desperate hussy out to steal her man. One woman actually warned me to stay away from her husband. What makes them think we want them?

Yes, there were major adjustments to be made, but I went on with my life and made new friends. I must say, I was surprised at which friends stepped away and who remained in my life. I can’t cry about it. It’s just wasted effort. There’s too much adventure waiting for me.It makes me wonder if there isn't some underlying resentment concerning single people having the ability to carve out a new life among those who can only socialize with couples

Some friends who are coupled, even those who have had multiple marriages, will all too frequently ask if I’m dating anyone. I have to believe they mean well, but it adds so much pressure. I have even asked friends not to inquirer about that topic, and I’d announce it the moment I became involved with anyone.

Honestly, I’d rather be alone than in a miserable relationship. We should never, ever, ever allow anyone to make us doubt our single status. Once you’ve become friendlier with yourself and found your own identity, whether attached or alone, we are ahead of the game. I’m convinced that if we don’t come to peaceful terms with our single status we won’t be capable of finding a good relationship. Only after we’ve examined our inner selves and created a fulfilling, pleasant life can we come to a relationship in a healthy way.

Those of us lucky enough to have reached an advanced age in relative good health should not allow loneliness to dominate despite not having an active social life or a nearby family. There are ways to combat loneliness. It’s a good idea to think about choices and then decide which way/s to go.

Let me make some suggestions for holidays and other times; giving back to the community or the world is a satisfying activity. So many places desperately need volunteers; children’s agencies, nursing homes, hospitals, challenged children, immigrant groups, hospital/charity gift shops, pediatric floors in hospitals, homeless shelters, shelters for abused women and children and soup kitchens. There are charities eager for help, especially at holiday time when so many employees are off.

Another approach would be to go away on a holiday, perhaps one that is already organized. Many people who are alone book tours with groups. In this way, you’ll have company to help ring in the New Year or some other holiday, and again, you’ll have the opportunity to meet new people.

There are groups that band together for celebrations at community rooms of apartment buildings, churches, synagogues, restaurants and private homes. You must seek them out. Check newspapers, supermarket bulletin boards, notes posted at your house of worship and online sites. The local Y might have organized get togethers. Ask friends if they’re having a party and if you can wangle an invitation. What about charity events or neighborhood parties? Don’t discard any invitation you might get because you’ll have to go alone. Go!

Some others attending these gatherings are in the same position as you and want to make the holidays more festive. Even if you don’t know a soul on the guest list, it’s an opportunity to meet new friends and, possibly, someone special.

If you want to stay home have a gathering yourself. Invite friends/acquaintances/relatives who might not have plans. What about neighbors who have trouble going very far? If you don’t like cooking, make it casual with sandwiches and salads. Or knock yourself out by cooking an elaborate sit-down meal.

Go into the city. Walk the streets to see the lights and window decorations. Stop in a lovely hotel and treat yourself to one of those expensive glasses of wine. And then people watch.

If you’re taking a trip, go to the airport a lot earlier. Because of numerous delays, people become bored or frustrated and are more likely to be friendly. Perhaps you’ll just want the diversion of chatting with new people from various backgrounds and places.

Of course, no matter how you plan to spend the holiday my advice is that you exercise caution about meeting strangers, especially if you’re meeting a potential date. Take their business card and, if your instinct leads you in that direction, call them yourself. You might want to establish if they’re married or not, try to check them out online, and ask others in a similar business or anyone who lives in a nearby neighborhood if they know the person. And, if, after checking them out thoroughly, you opt to meet, do it in a public place – not just for the first date. You’re all adults and I’m sure you all know how to handle a situation like that.

And if you opt to stay home and watch a DVD by yourself, don’t get one that is too sappy. A good drama, musical or comedy would be better. And just think how lucky you are that you are free and peaceful. Holiday time can be very stressful. Many families have unresolved issues and when gathered together have an opportunity to go at one another. When old grievances are revived, these confrontations have been known to erupt into fist fights on occasion.

Ideally, you can have both an active social life and, also, volunteer whether married or not. You answer only to yourself or, at least you should.

The sexy G