The Age of Reasonable Doubt

I often wonder what I would do if a mature guyfriend announced he wants to live with me or get married? This can be a dilemma for older people like myself -- a women coming from long-term marriages who has since tasted independence. You might think I'd jump at the prospect. Not necessarily.

I was married for many years, and, just like many others, gave up a large chunk of my persona – happily, I might add. Most decisions were reached on a compromise basis. We had to answer to each other. If I stayed out later than expected, I had to call in, and I’d expect the same. It was civil and considerate.

I remained in the home where I grew up until marriage, and then joyously set up housekeeping with my husband. We raised a family, lived in the suburbs and saw our children both complete graduate school and become professionals (a doctor and a lawyer).

After becoming widowed, I lived alone for the first time in my life, and had serious doubts that I could make it. Being on my own frightened the living daylights out of me. But once adapted to an entirely new life, I found enjoyment and fun once again, but in a newly minted sort of way. I regained that chunk of myself that had gotten lost in the shuffle over many years and discovered that I was more independent than I ever thought I could be. I became good friends with my newly reintegrated personality, and found inner strength I didn’t know existed.

When I think about the possibility of a live-in or marital relationship, it’s a bit scary. Marriage at this stage of life doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me. As a single, older woman, I rearranged my life to seek out fun and adventures. I know I said I’m looking for the love of my life, my soul mate, and I am. That is crucial to me.

But, I wonder now if it has to mean constant togetherness. Why can’t the arrangement be that we see each other on weekends and perhaps one night during the week? There are so many things I love to do that a partner might not enjoy. I don’t want to be burdened with trying to convince him to go out with me or when I leave him to go to an event myself, feel guilty he’s at home alone. He might genuinely want me to go and enjoy myself, but something niggles behind the pleasure.

Early on in my marriage, I was happy to give up a large part of my ego. The benefits in return were great. So much of that time revolved around children and our together activities. The catch was that whenever I wanted to do something for myself, my husband smiled but gave me a slight hang-dog expression. I left for the activity with a large sliver of guilt always hovering in the back of my head. There were many activities and events that I enjoyed and he did not and visa versa. And when I did my own thing I couldn’t help feeling I was deserting him. It might have been a combination of my early upbringing of a “woman’s place” and his underlying sense of abandonment that he conveyed to me.

A year or so after widowhood, something snapped in my head. For the first time in my life, a gauzy curtain lifted from my brain. I realized that I now only had to be true to myself and then all other relationships will click in place. I became a kid in a candy shop who hadn’t had a sugar fix for years.

Now I can read books whenever I want even if it’s the middle of the night, have meals out or eat cereal for dinner, get theatre tickets at the last minute, ride a bike on city streets, and buy new, more trendy clothing and dangly earrings without the look of disapproval. I, also, discovered the depths of my sexuality and, here’s a new one for me – even had phone sex. I’m learning so many things I never experienced before, and I want to leave this world having seen and done most what is cool and exciting.

So, back to the question – if the opportunity arose for marriage what would I do? My immediate response is a resounding – don’t do it! Although there have been many liberating changes about women in recent years, there still are attitudinal issues toward the institution of marriage that is off-putting to retaining romance. Many of these problems we are not even aware of.

It seems that expectations almost instantly change when signing on the dotted line. We give our pledge to honor and obey, etc. etc. But insidious emotions may enter into the equation that take us back to our childhood. An unhappy upbringing that never is examined to determine what formed our opinions and behaviors might doom a marriage. The wife, once a lover, may after marriage become the mother, the husband perhaps the father, and then add children or blended families to the mix and we have a giant psychological muddle. We will probably make the same mistakes that our parents made. So, why would older folks want to reenter that scary arena? All the same problems may appear with the added headache of blended adult families, inheritances and long imbedded habits.

The answer may be open marriage. I hear the gasps coming from younger adults. “Open,” you say, “at an advanced age? My Granny in an open marriage? Why? You oldsters sit around and have meals together, catch the early bird special for dinner, watch the eleven o’clock news and go to sleep.” Wrong.

Here’s my mythical, mature open marriage: We each have big blocks of weekday time to ourselves. He does his thing, and I do mine. Weekends can be the time to be together, where for a short period of time I am willing to compromise and refold a part of myself inward.

Firstly, I hope he likes the same literary and cultural events that I do. If not, then I go by myself or with a friend. There’s the ritual of going to happy hour with a girlfriend, and to attending writing workshops out of town that I wouldn’t want to give up. As for platonic male friends, I shouldn’t have to give them up, either.

Open marriage often implies having other sex partners. This is not my first choice, but if some other granny and her partner agree, then who can say it's wrong? Maybe one or the other is no longer sexual or interested in being more inventive in bed. Why shouldn’t they have the same experiences open to them as a younger person? As for myself, I’ve only recently begun to realize the depths of my sensuality, and would hope it would continue with a partner. What if it doesn’t?

The advice from the medical field is for older adults to do crossword puzzles and other mental gymnastics to ward off senility and keep the mind alert. But, if you have yourself a lover/s on the side, just remembering their name/s and hearing the whispered sensual words with a hearing aid is a challenge and will keep you on the ball (speaking figuratively). In other words, using sexual situations can be a substitute if you don’t like crossword puzzles. Wonder how the medical community would look at that?

Besides, regular orgasms are considered to be healthy. As Cory Silverberg, AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), certified sex educator, author, media contributor and researcher said, “Orgasms don’t just feel great, there is preliminary research that suggests that frequent orgasms can come with all sorts of health benefits from reducing the risk of prostate cancer and heart disease to helping us deal with stress and sleeplessness.”

I do advise against one-night stands. It’s not only a health hazard, but we might not remember where it took place. Beware of forgetting which motel you might have left your hearing aid, cane, walker, teeth, leg or arm prosthesis or whatever other loose parts you may possess. Hey, just because a few parts are missing doesn’t mean you can’t have FUN!

From the sexy G