The Age of Reasonable Doubt

Recently, I went on an online mature dating service. After a barrage of e-mails from younger men, some in their thirties looking for women sixty plus (that’s another story), I came across other interesting profiles. Several men stated they were looking for a woman who was a “lady” and others who were looking for a woman who wasn’t too “aggressive.”

I e-mailed each of them back and asked for a definition of those terms. I was curious because it has to have different meanings to each person. I never got a response from any of my requests. Maybe they assumed that if I didn’t know what they meant, I must be one of those aggressive ball-busters.

The following quote comes from an essay by Maureen Dowd, columnist for The New York Times, adapted from her book published in 2005, “Are Men Necessary: When Sexes Collide.” She had this to say; “Decades after the feminist movement promised equality with men, it was becoming increasingly apparent that many women would have to brush up on the venerable tricks of the trade: an absurdly charming little laugh, a pert toss of the head, an air of saucy triumph, dewy eyes and a full knowledge of music, drawing, elegant note writing and geography. It would once more be considered captivating to lie on a chaise lounge, pass a lacy handkerchief across the eyelids and complain of a case of springtime giddiness.

“Today, women have gone back to hunting their quarry – in person and in cyberspace – with elaborate schemes designed to allow the deluded creatures to think they are the hunters.”

These issues raise many conflicting approaches leave single people in an utter state of exhaustion. Read the personal ads and you’ll frequently see the request for no game-playing. Yet, here we are in an era where there’s so much advice for women in how to plan and hatch plots to catch a man

So, it seems we have made a complete circle. Just when we thought women had gained their dignity and didn’t have to pursue men by manipulation and feminine wiles, we are brought up short and told that doesn’t cut it. Is it true that, by and large, men just don’t care about falling for a woman on a level playing field?

Maureen Dowd continued, “…The Way to approach men, we reasoned, was forthrightly and without games, artifice or frills. Unfortunately, history has shown this to be a misguided notion.”

I recently read a sales pitch for a book where the premise encourages women to give men what the author thinks they want. He suggested men want to be adored by a woman, hypnotized and bedazzled by her charm. Men will be under her control by her manipulations and powerless to resist. A woman’s responsibility is to make her man happy. Sadly, there are many books that have surfaced in recent years with the same message.

I ask you, how does a woman make a man happy? It seems that real happiness can only come from within an individual. Many times over the years, I’ve heard men complain that their mates don’t make them happy. Some even walked out of their marriage for that reason.

In many instances, I realized several of those men were not happy people to begin with. It’s not possible for anyone to serve up joy to a mate who is essentially joyless. It is necessary to examine ourselves and come to terms with our past before we can find happiness. Each person must do that before judging their mate’s value. They might have a different perspective if hey do. Sometimes it requires the help of a counselor.

On a deeper level, those complaining may be even be depressed. To blame your partner is taking the easy way out because it doesn’t require introspection. Pointing the finger takes the heat off of themselves. It is not unusual for man or woman to go into a relationship expecting a partner to solve all of their personal problems for them rather than doing the hard work of discovering insights about themselves and coming to terms with the root causes.

The initial burst of dazzle in the early stages of a romance helps mask the symptoms of depression. But when the relationship mellows and the sizzle reduces to a slow simmer, the sadness that went on hold before reappears. Rather than rising to another level, many choose to ignore the underlying problems that need to be faced and look for external causes.

In recent years, numerous books and web sites have popped up suggesting ways for woman to approach and handle dating situations. Why do women need to be guided? It seems being yourself, expressing who you are and being honest are the approaches women should pursue. These new publications have resurected a language from the past.

Elaine Sihera, a Personal Empowerment Relationship Consultant has this to say, “…Gradually women have been gaining parity with men over the last 30 years and have taken charge of their own lives. They no longer depend on men to dictate the direction of their lives and are enjoying the new freedoms such parity brings. In the process, men have begun to feel very insecure and wary of women. With their own jobs, their own
money, their own house and the desire to remain single until they choose, or forever women have moved the goal posts, changed the relationship culture and relegated men to a different level of uncertainty.”

What does this mean in the scheme of present-day dating and relationships? It has to have serious impact. From my own observations, of all ages but especially with older men, these insecurities create destructive fissures in relationships. Sadly, it seems the dating scene has regressed and returned to a pre-feminist mind set. We are losing ground to the movement toward equality between men and women.

Sihera continues, “…finally, lots of men would like someone intelligent but many also add that they should not be too intellectual! They feel inadequate squaring up to an intellectual female because women used to be seen and not heard. They really can’t handle the woman who thinks too much. Yet, tons of women are moving into higher education and getting professional qualifications in order to choose their own career direction so they would want to use the intellectual clout this would give them. Women have been accused of playing men at their own game with one night stands, so even sex is being controlled to a great extent by women.

“Older men, in particular those over 50, are finding this new world very difficult to deal with. Having been brought up to be ‘gentlemen’ in a world which is gradually rejecting such gentlemen they feel useless and undervalued. The definition of a ‘lady’ shares very little with that of current ladies and many men find themselves at sea without a paddle when looking for a new mate. In fact, many of them complain about the ‘brashness’ of modern ladies who are not afraid to ask for what they want and don’t wait to be given it. Many of these men cannot deal with the women’s approach to sex, especially when as the dominant gender, men used to lead on things sexual.”

Where exactly does this regressive trend leave us? It doesn’t look good. Schisms, lack of communication, fear, resistance to change all contribute to leaving men and women in different spheres unnecessarily. We MUST break down the barriers that prevent understanding the changes that have taken place and, hopefully, will continue. There must be equality and acceptance of the new roles of men and women, despite an outdated, dishonest trend that is creeping back into our lives.

Sexy G