GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT
“You don’t dress conservatively,” a man recently told me.
He’s right, but he might have been implying, you don’t dress appropriately for your age. I once was an earth-tone person with high necks collars because I wanted to be liked for my brain. Now, I say, screw the brain. Smarts don’t elicit the least bit of attention unless I’m helping someone with writing.
I hope, dear readers, you won’t accuse me of backtracking on one of my most ardent topics – equality among the sexes. All I can tell you is that what started as an experiment in my new dress code has become an addiction.
Now I dress in brighter colors, lots of skirts and wear lower necklines. At first I wanted to see how much attention it would elicit from the male population. It worked. Now I’ve become the female version of a peacock. This is the question; is it really possible that if one is ripe for a great romantic love, signals are sent out? Is it body language, a scent or simply shorter skirts and deeper necklines? Is it the sweeping view of the rounded tops of breasts (thanks to Victoria’s Secret push-me up bras) that a man sees from a higher vantage point? Unlike many species of the animal kingdom, with humans it is generally up to the woman to strut her stuff to attract the opposite sex.
I actually got to like looking “feminine” but never resorted to coy game-playing, something repellent to me. When I think about it, I realize I’m not looking to capture a man as much as I might enjoy the occasional stare or surreptitious glances.
What makes this ironic is that even though women may fuss to look glamorous, single, mature men often are potbellied, uncoordinated in dress, use colors that blind, cut their hair with a weed whacker and sometimes smell stale from not washing clothing frequently enough or properly. They may even be rude, cheap, or say inappropriate things, but they’ll always find women willing to go out with them because there are many more women than men.
Besides my more flamboyant dress, I think writing this blog has greatly unleashed a part of me that I didn’t know existed. Somehow, putting myself out there with the written word freed me up from the earth tone prison. Those colors tend to be inhibiting when worn to excess and may fade the wearer into the background.
So, what’s the moral lesson here? It’s never too late to be sexy? Is it that men think you’re easy when you dress more dramatically? Perhaps it’s more that men are suckers for a little cleavage – they’ll follow those melons like a starving man following the scent of food. It is possible to be sexy in the upper reaches of age.
My conversations in mixed company are now laced with the kind of humor and personal observations on romance I sometimes spew in my writing. This could be alluring to some men or a turn off for others. Perhaps this is what they mean by a sexual scent or does it come down to plain old tits and ass.
Some months back, my squeeze at the time was man we’ll call Jackson. We’d been going out for four months. He was smooth, urbane and, on the surface, pleasant, but not forthcoming emotionally. He had erected a barrier around his emotions and he ran on one low-key emotional gear. Everything in his world was perfect. No need to ever have an in-depth conversation.
He was an intelligent man, and I expected that he’d ultimately come through, reveal the inner person, (fears, hopes, goals, what made him happy/sad – you know the drill) and declare he was dying to know more about the inner me. I’d suggested enough times that this is what helps make a relationship go from blah to dynamic. When he laughed at the silly notion of getting into the deepest recesses of our hidden selves, I decided to give him a little more time. He was smart, he’d come around.
One day he called. “Hi,” Jackson said. “Happy almost birthday. It’s next Saturday, huh?”
I was delighted he remembered. “Right, and it feels as though I had one three months ago.”
Jackson laughed. “Hey, I can’t see you that night.”
My stomach crunched. “Why not?”
“Well, I have a brunch with relatives the morning of your birthday.”
Silence. So what about later in the day? “I don’t mind going out later.”
“My relatives are funny. Got to stay loose. They might want me to stay through the evening. How could I tell them I can’t stay?”
Read my lips. “Say, it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, and I’m taking her out tonight.” I would think that’s appropriate in view of the fact he was going to be with them from eleven AM until five or six PM? “Eight would be fine. They didn’t make a definite plan with you for later in the day.”
“No, but you never know if they’ll ask. Sorry, that’s how I like to do it.”
Bang. I hung up. Is it about control, that he’s telling me he sets the rules or is it just plain rudeness? It could even be the need to keep intimacy at arm’s length or all of the above. In my head I heard him say, “That bitch will never dictate how I spend my time.” I gathered myself together and moved on.
I admit there is a comedic aspect to it all, and the fun of strutting cleavage and bright colors are not enough to carry a relationship through. In the end, it all comes down to a person’s inner attractiveness, self-awareness and the ability to reveal themselves and not be terrified of being vulnerable.
Paige Parker, author of an e-book called, Dating Without Drama, said this: “The key to a successful love life isn’t being lucky enough to find the ‘perfect’ man. The answer to having the fulfilling relationship you’ve always wanted is actually within you. Trust me…this is good news! It means you actually have a lot more control over the outcome of your dating life than you may have realized. Instead of trusting your fate to your love horoscope or wishing on a star, you can harness your own intelligence, strength and confidence and utilize those attributes to get the love you deserve.”
I need to go inward as far as possible to learn more about myself. Given that, maybe I’ll have a better shot at identifying the elusive, soulful, caring, nurturing male I would like. No one outside of myself can make me happy. Only I can do that for myself. If I allow others to bring me down, shame on me.
Sexy G
