The Age of Reasonable Doubt

In the last blog, I addressed the issue of sexually transmitted diseases (especially HIV/AIDS) among mature daters. In addition, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health recently announced that oral sex may have a connection to throat cancer. That’s something we all have to look into, and perhaps will be dealt with in another blog. I mention this new finding because I would guess that oral sex is more prevalent among mature people given the greater frequency of erectile problems among older men as opposed to younger men. Given all that, it does add some special perplexing problems for the mature set.
So, here are some of my imaginings, tongue in cheek, because if we don’t laugh we’ll bawl our heads off. The following musings might better apply to the elderly elderly rather than the young elderly (Yes, folks, there is a young elderly population).

Scenario 1: Some older man might experience some difficulty in getting an erection. So, let’s assume that task is accomplished. Now, in view of the news about increasing rates of HIV/AIDS among the eldery, his partner asks him to use a condom. It might be something he hasn’t done for a very long time, or he might have hand tremors. Certainly, he isn’t as agile as he once was. Slowly, he attempts to put the condom on. By the time he’s finished, he might have lost his erection. Now he needs to be aroused again. By that time his partner, who missed her afternoon nap, falls asleep.

Scenario 2: Another elder gentleman thinks it might be more exciting for his partner to put the condom on for him. That way, he will not need to be aroused a second time. They can get started as soon more quickly.

Never in the woman’s forty-five years of marriage did she use one. In earlier times, she used an IUD and then jumped to the pill (married women of her era usually took care of protection). Being a kind person, and curious she agrees. She is also interested in having good sex which he assures her is about to happen. But, she is deaf, and for this event she has taken out both hearing aids. He hands her the condom and waits with an eager smile on his lips.

"Okay, I’m ready for you,” he says. “Just unroll it as you go. Now put it on.”

“Put it where?” she asks.

“Can’t you hear?” he responds.

“In your ear?”

Scenario 3: A man has just entered a nursing home and he immediately falls in love with a lovely white-haired woman. She falls for him, too. He’s been a widower for a long time and was sexually active before he arrived. In this particular home there appears to be zero tolerance for romance. They both decide they want to make love. Neither one sees that well so they don't drive. It's now the middle of the night. They have decided to have safe sex. Obviously, there is no condom dispensing machine. What to do?

They steal into the kitchen and look for plastic wrap. Just as they’re pulling a length from the box, a nurse walks in.

“What are you two doing?”

“Um, uh, we have some birthday cake we want to wrap.”

“At this hour? Indeed. Get back to your rooms.”

Another night of fun shot to hell. Such are the travails of safe sex with very mature lovers.

In closing, I have a story related to me by a social worker – I assume it’s true. Even if it’s an urban legend there is every possibility it could be happening as we speak. I am going to recreate the story from what I was told.

A very, very elderly woman called a social worker and wanted a caretaker to come in for two hours every Thursday.

“How old are you?” the social worker asked.

“I’m 93.”

“May I ask what your disability is?” the social worker asked.

“Disability? I don’t have a one. I’m fine. I take care of myself.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t send someone if you don’t really need help with things like bathing, shopping and meals. You see what I mean?”

“But I do need someone strong to come to my boyfriend’s home.”

“Your boyfriend? How old is he?”

“Oh, he’s ninety-seven.”

“How nice for both of you. Then you’re saying he needs a caretaker? What is his disability?”

“No disability. What is wrong with you? Don’t you get it?” the old woman asks.

“Sorry, I don’t,” the frustrated social worker replies.

“Look, my boyfriend can’t lift me. We have sex every Thursday, but my arthritis is kicking in badly. I need someone to come out, pick me up and put me on top of him. Can’t we enjoy a little intimacy?”

For several moments there’s silence. “What time did you say on Thursday?”

As for condoms for this couple, well, we won’t go there. Don’t sell older folks short, even when they use walkers!

The sexy grandmom