The Age of Reasonable Doubt

Okay. The holidays are over and some serious thinking is now called for. Let’s get down to the relationship business. For instance, there is an age-old question about male/female communication. Are the differences between the way men and women talk to each other biological or sociological or a combination of both? Despite all the literature, we still flounder in the dark for answers.

One of the big cries from women is that their mates just don’t listen to them. The results of females and males not connecting verbally may be portrayed as amusing in plays like Men Are from Mars and Women Are from Venus or in TV situation comedies like Everyone Loves Raymond and the classic, All in the Family.

Comedic presentations about the inability of men and women to communicate may underplay the seriousness of the situation. To my way of thinking, making too light of the dilemma perpetuates the problem. Why change something that provides amusement? It’s easier to laugh than deal with the underlying issues.

The not-so-funny statement that “men are just little boys,” is often met with a resigned shrug, indicating acceptance. But, if we don’t question the problem, it comes with disastrous consequences. If we are not hearing the words, let alone the nuances, in the speech of a mate, it quickly diminishes the relationship and is probably at the root of many breakups. This applies to both men and women.

It comes back to the question, are the differences biological or societal? Many think it is biological and therefore impossible to change. Perhaps it is a little of both. I’m convinced that we reinforce the biological in childrearing by role training that has a far greater influence in separating the sexes. As adults we become unable to hear each other.

I maintain that because society has told men from early on that it is too “feminine” to talk about feelings, it has followed men into adulthood. Men have difficulty listening to anyone talking about feelings. If they show that they buy into a conversation that has any sort of “female” taint, their egos are diminished. By and large, not taught to be nurturers. They are encouraged to problem solve.

In “Can’t We Talk?” (condensed from: You Just Don’t Understand) by Deborah Tannen, a specialist in linguistics, she says, “…I have studied how the conversational styles of men and women differ. We cannot lump all men or all women into fixed categories. But the seemingly senseless misunderstandings that haunt our relationships can in part be explained by the different conversational rules by which men and women play.”

I think socialization must be changed before both genders fully understand each other. As adults, change is possible with a good deal of listening and some hard work. The real key is training from infancy. After all, think about all the influences that abound in society that influence men and women.

Even today we set up role definitions, for the most part, with toys – dolls and doll houses for girls and building sets for boys despite what enlightened parents say to the contrary. Even on an unconscious level there is a fear that by encouraging male children to be more sensitive there will be repercussions, either taunting by other children or the fear of making their sons gay. And, visa versa.

In toy stores we still find items separated by gender. What about all the animated characters designed for child appeal? Many of the cartoons personalities that imitate positions of authority are generally male, and those in helping positions tend be female. There are numerous other examples, but two that need highlighting are the parents that encourage young boys to win at sports at all costs. The other is the image of the strong, tough football players (male), and the less important (female) cheerleaders who are generally gorgeous, body-beautiful and sexy. Stereotyping is perpetuated.

Deborah Tannen also says, “Men grow up in a world in which a conversation is often a contest, either to achieve the upper hand or to prevent other people from pushing them around. For women, however, talking is often a way to exchange confirmation and support.”

Ms. Tannen continues. “…Since women often think in terms of closeness and support, they struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation.”

Often, the end result with this kind of societal pressure is that a man feels he’s lost power and his "entitlement" to be in command when he listens to his wife or negotiates with her on an issue. He is sometimes unwilling to give up the smallest piece of his fierce need for independence and if he does he feels like a wimp. The woman often feel overpowered and dominated – a bad recipe for a relationship. So much of this is the result of early training.

These differences leak into every aspect of relationships. After years of conditioning, many women are often still timid when it comes to sex. Often they are afraid to verbalize what they would like for fear of hurting the man’s ego or of looking too eager – hence the faked orgasm. She might hope her man will ask or voluntarily touch her in places he knows will please her rather than make a point of it.

Well, here’s the rub (not intended as a pun). Often, a woman who asks a man to bring her to a climax and enjoys returning the favor is sometimes looked upon suspiciously by some men. It’s not uncommon for a man to ask, “Where did you learn to be so hot?” Well, do I ask where you learned those tricks, mister? There is a tendency to assume that the more experience a man has, the better. It doesn’t always work that way for women. Yes, friends, these learned attitudes still exists although, I admit, it is much more subtle today.

A man once told me he won’t date women who have been single for a long time – over five years. His reasoning was she had to have been with too many men.

The first time I was asked by a man, that I was really into, where I got my varied "...knowledge of sexual stuff," I was dumbfounded. I thought we were behaving like equals. When I didn’t answer he pressed me to respond. I said that my late husband was a good teacher in the bedroom. I realized later that, even though it was the truth, I answered in a way that made me look “virginal.” Lo and behold, he asked again a week later. I got ticked off and said, “I’m a nymphomaniac, and I go with any man I can for sex.” He got it and apologized. That was a big moment.

May big moments be fruitful and multiply.

The sexy G

Posted by Fran Metzman at 8:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Now that the holidays are coming up, being older and single might make us feel our aloneness more keenly. For the most part, few of us have learned how to be alone. Many people feel as though they are half a person if not in a relationship. That’s nonsense propagated by society and by couples in particular. If at least forty percent of the population is single, you are among a large crowd.

After I became widowed, there was lots of advice. Even unhappy couples advised me to get a partner or else I’d be looked upon as flawed or a loser. Some married friends dropped me when I became single. Those who did seemed to be only able to function as couples or else were very insecure about their husband’s faithfulness. It was as though they assumed that if a woman was single she had to be a desperate hussy out to steal her man. One woman actually warned me to stay away from her husband. What makes them think we want them?

Yes, there were major adjustments to be made, but I went on with my life and made new friends. I must say, I was surprised at which friends stepped away and who remained in my life. I can’t cry about it. It’s just wasted effort. There’s too much adventure waiting for me.It makes me wonder if there isn't some underlying resentment concerning single people having the ability to carve out a new life among those who can only socialize with couples

Some friends who are coupled, even those who have had multiple marriages, will all too frequently ask if I’m dating anyone. I have to believe they mean well, but it adds so much pressure. I have even asked friends not to inquirer about that topic, and I’d announce it the moment I became involved with anyone.

Honestly, I’d rather be alone than in a miserable relationship. We should never, ever, ever allow anyone to make us doubt our single status. Once you’ve become friendlier with yourself and found your own identity, whether attached or alone, we are ahead of the game. I’m convinced that if we don’t come to peaceful terms with our single status we won’t be capable of finding a good relationship. Only after we’ve examined our inner selves and created a fulfilling, pleasant life can we come to a relationship in a healthy way.

Those of us lucky enough to have reached an advanced age in relative good health should not allow loneliness to dominate despite not having an active social life or a nearby family. There are ways to combat loneliness. It’s a good idea to think about choices and then decide which way/s to go.

Let me make some suggestions for holidays and other times; giving back to the community or the world is a satisfying activity. So many places desperately need volunteers; children’s agencies, nursing homes, hospitals, challenged children, immigrant groups, hospital/charity gift shops, pediatric floors in hospitals, homeless shelters, shelters for abused women and children and soup kitchens. There are charities eager for help, especially at holiday time when so many employees are off.

Another approach would be to go away on a holiday, perhaps one that is already organized. Many people who are alone book tours with groups. In this way, you’ll have company to help ring in the New Year or some other holiday, and again, you’ll have the opportunity to meet new people.

There are groups that band together for celebrations at community rooms of apartment buildings, churches, synagogues, restaurants and private homes. You must seek them out. Check newspapers, supermarket bulletin boards, notes posted at your house of worship and online sites. The local Y might have organized get togethers. Ask friends if they’re having a party and if you can wangle an invitation. What about charity events or neighborhood parties? Don’t discard any invitation you might get because you’ll have to go alone. Go!

Some others attending these gatherings are in the same position as you and want to make the holidays more festive. Even if you don’t know a soul on the guest list, it’s an opportunity to meet new friends and, possibly, someone special.

If you want to stay home have a gathering yourself. Invite friends/acquaintances/relatives who might not have plans. What about neighbors who have trouble going very far? If you don’t like cooking, make it casual with sandwiches and salads. Or knock yourself out by cooking an elaborate sit-down meal.

Go into the city. Walk the streets to see the lights and window decorations. Stop in a lovely hotel and treat yourself to one of those expensive glasses of wine. And then people watch.

If you’re taking a trip, go to the airport a lot earlier. Because of numerous delays, people become bored or frustrated and are more likely to be friendly. Perhaps you’ll just want the diversion of chatting with new people from various backgrounds and places.

Of course, no matter how you plan to spend the holiday my advice is that you exercise caution about meeting strangers, especially if you’re meeting a potential date. Take their business card and, if your instinct leads you in that direction, call them yourself. You might want to establish if they’re married or not, try to check them out online, and ask others in a similar business or anyone who lives in a nearby neighborhood if they know the person. And, if, after checking them out thoroughly, you opt to meet, do it in a public place – not just for the first date. You’re all adults and I’m sure you all know how to handle a situation like that.

And if you opt to stay home and watch a DVD by yourself, don’t get one that is too sappy. A good drama, musical or comedy would be better. And just think how lucky you are that you are free and peaceful. Holiday time can be very stressful. Many families have unresolved issues and when gathered together have an opportunity to go at one another. When old grievances are revived, these confrontations have been known to erupt into fist fights on occasion.

Ideally, you can have both an active social life and, also, volunteer whether married or not. You answer only to yourself or, at least you should.

The sexy G

Posted by Fran Metzman at 4:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I often wonder what I would do if a mature guyfriend announced he wants to live with me or get married? This can be a dilemma for older people like myself -- a women coming from long-term marriages who has since tasted independence. You might think I'd jump at the prospect. Not necessarily.

I was married for many years, and, just like many others, gave up a large chunk of my persona – happily, I might add. Most decisions were reached on a compromise basis. We had to answer to each other. If I stayed out later than expected, I had to call in, and I’d expect the same. It was civil and considerate.

I remained in the home where I grew up until marriage, and then joyously set up housekeeping with my husband. We raised a family, lived in the suburbs and saw our children both complete graduate school and become professionals (a doctor and a lawyer).

After becoming widowed, I lived alone for the first time in my life, and had serious doubts that I could make it. Being on my own frightened the living daylights out of me. But once adapted to an entirely new life, I found enjoyment and fun once again, but in a newly minted sort of way. I regained that chunk of myself that had gotten lost in the shuffle over many years and discovered that I was more independent than I ever thought I could be. I became good friends with my newly reintegrated personality, and found inner strength I didn’t know existed.

When I think about the possibility of a live-in or marital relationship, it’s a bit scary. Marriage at this stage of life doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense to me. As a single, older woman, I rearranged my life to seek out fun and adventures. I know I said I’m looking for the love of my life, my soul mate, and I am. That is crucial to me.

But, I wonder now if it has to mean constant togetherness. Why can’t the arrangement be that we see each other on weekends and perhaps one night during the week? There are so many things I love to do that a partner might not enjoy. I don’t want to be burdened with trying to convince him to go out with me or when I leave him to go to an event myself, feel guilty he’s at home alone. He might genuinely want me to go and enjoy myself, but something niggles behind the pleasure.

Early on in my marriage, I was happy to give up a large part of my ego. The benefits in return were great. So much of that time revolved around children and our together activities. The catch was that whenever I wanted to do something for myself, my husband smiled but gave me a slight hang-dog expression. I left for the activity with a large sliver of guilt always hovering in the back of my head. There were many activities and events that I enjoyed and he did not and visa versa. And when I did my own thing I couldn’t help feeling I was deserting him. It might have been a combination of my early upbringing of a “woman’s place” and his underlying sense of abandonment that he conveyed to me.

A year or so after widowhood, something snapped in my head. For the first time in my life, a gauzy curtain lifted from my brain. I realized that I now only had to be true to myself and then all other relationships will click in place. I became a kid in a candy shop who hadn’t had a sugar fix for years.

Now I can read books whenever I want even if it’s the middle of the night, have meals out or eat cereal for dinner, get theatre tickets at the last minute, ride a bike on city streets, and buy new, more trendy clothing and dangly earrings without the look of disapproval. I, also, discovered the depths of my sexuality and, here’s a new one for me – even had phone sex. I’m learning so many things I never experienced before, and I want to leave this world having seen and done most what is cool and exciting.

So, back to the question – if the opportunity arose for marriage what would I do? My immediate response is a resounding – don’t do it! Although there have been many liberating changes about women in recent years, there still are attitudinal issues toward the institution of marriage that is off-putting to retaining romance. Many of these problems we are not even aware of.

It seems that expectations almost instantly change when signing on the dotted line. We give our pledge to honor and obey, etc. etc. But insidious emotions may enter into the equation that take us back to our childhood. An unhappy upbringing that never is examined to determine what formed our opinions and behaviors might doom a marriage. The wife, once a lover, may after marriage become the mother, the husband perhaps the father, and then add children or blended families to the mix and we have a giant psychological muddle. We will probably make the same mistakes that our parents made. So, why would older folks want to reenter that scary arena? All the same problems may appear with the added headache of blended adult families, inheritances and long imbedded habits.

The answer may be open marriage. I hear the gasps coming from younger adults. “Open,” you say, “at an advanced age? My Granny in an open marriage? Why? You oldsters sit around and have meals together, catch the early bird special for dinner, watch the eleven o’clock news and go to sleep.” Wrong.

Here’s my mythical, mature open marriage: We each have big blocks of weekday time to ourselves. He does his thing, and I do mine. Weekends can be the time to be together, where for a short period of time I am willing to compromise and refold a part of myself inward.

Firstly, I hope he likes the same literary and cultural events that I do. If not, then I go by myself or with a friend. There’s the ritual of going to happy hour with a girlfriend, and to attending writing workshops out of town that I wouldn’t want to give up. As for platonic male friends, I shouldn’t have to give them up, either.

Open marriage often implies having other sex partners. This is not my first choice, but if some other granny and her partner agree, then who can say it's wrong? Maybe one or the other is no longer sexual or interested in being more inventive in bed. Why shouldn’t they have the same experiences open to them as a younger person? As for myself, I’ve only recently begun to realize the depths of my sensuality, and would hope it would continue with a partner. What if it doesn’t?

The advice from the medical field is for older adults to do crossword puzzles and other mental gymnastics to ward off senility and keep the mind alert. But, if you have yourself a lover/s on the side, just remembering their name/s and hearing the whispered sensual words with a hearing aid is a challenge and will keep you on the ball (speaking figuratively). In other words, using sexual situations can be a substitute if you don’t like crossword puzzles. Wonder how the medical community would look at that?

Besides, regular orgasms are considered to be healthy. As Cory Silverberg, AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists), certified sex educator, author, media contributor and researcher said, “Orgasms don’t just feel great, there is preliminary research that suggests that frequent orgasms can come with all sorts of health benefits from reducing the risk of prostate cancer and heart disease to helping us deal with stress and sleeplessness.”

I do advise against one-night stands. It’s not only a health hazard, but we might not remember where it took place. Beware of forgetting which motel you might have left your hearing aid, cane, walker, teeth, leg or arm prosthesis or whatever other loose parts you may possess. Hey, just because a few parts are missing doesn’t mean you can’t have FUN!

From the sexy G

Posted by Fran Metzman at 8:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR GRANDKIDS?

I love my grandkids with all my heart. They are the center of my universe. My two boys are four and six. They are very smart, funny and engaging. Not only can they relate humorous stories about themselves, they listen carefully and ask me questions about myself. They are pure delight. I do sometimes tell stories about the outstanding things they say and do, but I try to keep it brief.

I like to hear interesting stories about the grandchildren of friends and acquaintances. I do draw the line at listening interminably to the retelling in agonizing detail of events, cute sayings, school grades, ballet recitals and little league games. Many times, the person who drones on and on about grandchildren will give you the financial statements and acquisitions accumulated by their adult children. When the subject of children and grandkids monopolizes the conversation, I mentally withdraw even though this might be considered fitting subject matter for the mature adult.

If someone chooses to devote their lives to their children and grandchildren, that’s fine. It’s a good choice and one I’d never criticize. But when they inflict long monologues on
me, such as a blow by blow description of how a little league baseball game was won by an eight year old, or a drawn-out description of acting/musical/mathematic/scientific ability, my patience wears thin.

At times, during a grandchild treatise, I have the urge to interrupt and ask, “When was the last time you indulged in oral sex or how do you think mature sex differs from what we experienced at an earlier age?” That is kind of smart-assed, but I would just as happy to discuss novels, history, work, movies, hobbies, the war – anything other than grandkids.

I gravitate to people who have a wider range of topics – especially if they’re willing to tackle conversations not considered suitable for older folks. Not only is there a standard in our society for age appropriate dress, there is one for age appropriate subjects. This is disheartening. I resent anyone telling me what I can or can’t talk about. And, yes, I know, I know. Some subjects out of the mouths or older people, especially women, is taboo – or gag material. Get over it. We might have lost brain cells over the years, but those who survived into the later years with a new-found sense of adventure and exploration come into their mature years as ageless.

Putting the more serious discussions aside, there are many older women who speak frankly about relationships and sex in a way that I don’t recall happening very often at a younger age. I grew up in Philadelphia and at age nineteen, took a trip to Los Angeles. I met up with several young women my age and younger who talked about oral sex with boys. I nearly fell off my chair, but put a knowing smirk on my face to show I was very cool with the discussion. Truth was, it was out of the realm of my experience and I was shocked that some young women talked about it.

Now at my advanced age, rather than joining a kitting circle, I sit around with a bunch of women, talking about men who “go down” and those that don’t, and other "important" issues. For example, men with smaller penises are in greater demand. Women tend to get tighter over time and we seem to agree that a man of less girth is more welcome. So, to you men out there who have been upset about the insidious standard in our society concerning penis size, you’ll have your chance to be the preferred sexual partner – if you live long enough.

There are other changes. I’m flirtier now, wear more dramatic, revealing clothing than ever. I find more male responses to that than I did in the past when I was Ms. Earth tones. This is new for me, but I don’t think it’s looks as much as the vibrations I’m sending out. I’m more confident than I was at a younger age. Some people might call my attitude unseemly – not an uncomplimentary accusation now. My philosophy is that this is the time of life to break out – smash the conventions that kept us trapped and have a blast. I feel I have a small window of time to enjoy these wonderful new sensations, and then, if organized religions are on the right track, I’m going straight to hell without passing go.

The truth is, my sexual experiences are not numerous since widowhood, but they have greater meaning when they occur. And I find myself more passionate now when I date a man I am very attracted to. One such gentleman asked me to meet him at the door wearing a negligee. What a kick!

Sometimes these relationships haven’t worked out for me. But when the sex was good, I walked away with having learned something. For most of my life, I always lumped love/sex in the same category. They were mutually dependent. Now, I find, I have the freedom to differentiate if I choose. Good sex does not necessarily have to come with undying love. Of course, I have to like the person a lot, and there’s always the hope that the sex will be the conduit to developing that sizzling, fulfilling relationship, but if not, so be it.

From: The University of Chicago News Office --
First comprehensive national survey charts sexual behavior among older adults survey defines "typical" for those 57 to 85 August 22, 2007

“The first comprehensive national survey of sexual attitudes, behaviors and problems among older adults in the United States has found that most people ages 57 to 85 think of sexuality as an important part of life and that the frequency of sexual activity, for those who are active, declines only slightly from the 50s to the early 70s. Data from the University of Chicago’s National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the August 23, 2007, issue of the New England journal of Medicine, showed that many men and women remain sexually active – participating in vaginal intercourse, oral sex and masturbation – well into their 70s and 80s.”

And if you’re a naysayer to the older person leading an exciting, satisfying life, contact me. We need to talk.

The sexy G

Posted by Fran Metzman at 3:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Some of my friends have lost husbands through various means – divorce, natural death (with a small handful of divorced women holding life insurance policies on the ex and waiting anxiously -- just joking), separation, illness and disappearing acts. In this emotional state, women tend to turn to experts. My warning is beware of the experts male or female although there is a tendency in our society to believe males have more expertise and power than women.

My husband was a good guy but a poor negotiator. Whenever we moved he left the management of the project to me. A number of years ago, we built a house and I worked with the foreman. There were many instances where the man answered my questions by inferring I was just a woman and didn’t understand the complex mechanics of house building. Well, that may be true, but I wasn’t asking about how to wire a house. My questions were a bit more practical like I won’t be able to open the dishwasher because the cabinet is in the way, and how can that be rectified?

When I asked the reason why my outside air-conditioning condenser was smaller than those hooked up to houses with the same square footage as mine, the foreman laughed and told me it was an engineering problem and that size was irrelevant. All units carried the same voltage/horse power and that was what counted. What would a lowly women know about that sort of thing? I slinked away, my tail between my legs, totally embarrassed.

The next day, on a whim, I went outside and checked those statistics written right on the units. Lo and behold, mine were less. Of course, I got him to make the change. He was not pleased, to say the least.

After four months of going back and forth on many issues, I told him I had to run something by my husband. The man looked at me like I’d gone berserk.

“I didn’t know you were married,” he said.

Would he have acted differently had my husband been working with him? I think so. Now, in my new place whenever I ask the contractor to come in to finish a certain job he smiles, nods and doesn’t show up or gives me an hour or two here and there. I became so discouraged that my son came in and built a closet for me. He told the contractor to come in the next day to finish some parts of it. The contractor not only showed up, he but stayed four hours – a miracle. Why couldn't I have as much influence?

Over the years, I sometimes resented having the full responsibility of dealing with people who provided services. But, it did put me at an advantage when my husband passed away. I wasn’t exactly naïve even though I did make mistakes. Overall, my semi-awareness worked well. But, as a woman, I had to soft peddle any confrontations. Speaking loudly or demanding that mistakes be fixed, inevitably brought that certain look from men. Sometimes, I’d even hear the under-breath mumblings, accusing me of breaking balls. Deep down, it touched a nerve – pushy women were unattractive. It made me feel very uncomfortable, despite my independence.

When I had to fire anyone taking advantage of me, I’d gently say we had a personality differences instead of telling them outright they were incompetent or criminally trying to rip me off.

Once I was widowed, experts appeared from under rocks, tryng to take advantage of me -- a WOMAN ALONE.

For instance, my husband’s friend, whom he hired to help with finances and business matters had never charged him for phone calls nor billed hourly. That changed when my husband got sick. When I took over the finances, our costs for the friend's services more than doubled. If I knew he’d charge me for phone calls, I’d have never spent the time asking about his wife and kids – something that took up half the conversation.

I went along with the new unspoken rules. But the shenanigans continued. He insisted on reviewing my entire estate that had just been updated by an estate attorney. After the review, he said it was vital I see another attorney of his choosing who could put my financial house in order much better than it was. I still, foolishly, trusted him.

A meeting was arranged with the new attorney, and I was told my will needed several important elements that were missing. It would cost me $5000.00. I was floored by this amount since I’d just paid dearly for the will to be redone.

I went home and read the will myself, something, I’m ashamed to say, I hadn’t done before. Buried under the legal language I found that the elements the lawyer told me I needed had already been included. I complained to my friend, the one who had brought me to this lawyer. He had the nerve to tell me I misheard the whole thing.

“Women don’t understand complex financing,” he had said.

That might be so, but when I hear a dollar amount, I understand that quite clearly. He then told me it would only cost $1800 for another missing piece. But that, too, was contained in my will. I very nicely told him to kiss his ass goodbye. He then delivered a walloping bill to me for his time. I, not so nicely, sent him half the amount. I’ve never seen him since.

Would he have tried this with my husband? Maybe. But I think he believed I was an easier target. The upbeat note in all this was another advisor my husband occasionally used came through for me. He helped me through the maze – and the business of dying. And, it is a business. In the midst of grieving, you’re asked to know and follow all the government rules, regulations and red tape associated with death, or pay an expensive lawyer to do it for you.

We have this ever growing population of WOMEN ALONE. Women still live longer than men. Some of these women have never lived by themselves. When we are thrust into having to deal with experts who can make or break you, it’s easy to feel thrown to the wolves. And, many times, that is the case.

I urge women (and men whose wives take care of the finances) to participate. I still don’t fully understand all the ins and outs of what is required in these instances, but I hope I've learned enough to let the advisors know I am watching them with enough knowledge to be half a step behind them.

From the sexy G -- even though this piece is not so sexy. Hey, who knows? Maybe the experts will think it’s sexy when you come prepared.

Posted by Fran Metzman at 7:24 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Sorry for the long interruption to my blogging. I moved recently. Not only did I move, I crossed state lines from New Jersey to Pennsylvania, and WOW. I could have climbed Mt. Everest with the energy I’ve already expended – maybe climbed twice. And I’m not through. I’ve decided to ventilate to you, dear readers, instead of sitting down and bawling.

Crossing state lines is a bureaucratic nightmare. There is a driver’s license to change which is nearly an all-day affair. If you find yourself in a similar situation, bring your lunch, snack, liquids and book of jokes so you don’t cry. I have yet to approach changing my license plates because I needed my new driver’s license first. Shockingly, to transfer my car plates, I have to find a notary. Why the license plate change can’t be done as a part of the division of motor vehicles is something I can’t understand. After I do that, I have to take the old New Jersey plates back to the DMV in person.

As for the move itself, it went something like a nightmare. Besides the onslaught of months of packing and unpacking, I was plagued by mechanical issues in the place. I can’t help thinking that some of the interminable slowness all around me was sometimes a function of being a woman alone. The apartment I bought in Center City needed lots of work. My dear contractor, who is very nice, informative and quite good at his craft, just didn’t get it done on time. I think he didn’t take me seriously or other people bugged him more so that got their work done before me. And now that I’ve moved, all the work is being done around me.

The story in short is that I didn’t want to get on my contractor’s back during the process although I saw an empty shell for a long time with little to no progress. He told me (implied that women especially don’t understand these things), he was very busy doing wiring and “stuff” in that long fallow period. Well, I didn’t exactly camp out at the apartment, but I spent days on end in that empty void, measuring and sketching layouts for furniture days and no workmen appeared.

Being a woman who didn’t understand had nothing to do with the fact he didn’t need four months for simple wiring adjustments in a moderate sized apartment that had been in usable condition by other owners for at least 40 years. But I reigned my thoughts in because I didn’t want to act too tough, didn’t want to be called a ball-breaker as has happened in the past when I disagreed with men and opened my mouth about it.

I admit I made a giant mistake by my “feminine” performance. I should have broken some balls instead of being the passive woman of the house. I finally did start to press the workmen and got some action! But I waited too long to get into the act.

When the day of reckoning arrived, I moved a month after the promised day of completion, and still, the place was no where near finished. I moved in without a working toilet and shower not to mention a non-usable kitchen. Bless my friends who offered their homes to me.My fortitude was tested, and I found myself not nearly as resilient as I thought I was. I imploded, but I got attention. I, as they say, grew a pair of brass ones and started making demands.

I found out that the most frequently used word is, “later” which translates into weeks or months. When the handymen laughed at my requests for items that needed fixing and told me things would be done later, I freaked. It worked. They returned in minutes with the proper tools. I hate myself when I do that, but I must admit it often works. Deep inside, being aggressive seems to be against my nature. It probably dates back to a time when I needed everyone to like me and women just didn’t want to appear bitchy for fear of losing their femininity. But, I have found, it’s really assertiveness that needs to be called upon in situations like this or you’re at the bottom of the pack.

“And what is your name?” “Who is the supervisor, manager, president of your company?” Those are phrases that don’t always work, but when I’m told that what I’m reporting as a problem never happened to anyone else and nothing can be done about it, those questions are my only weapons. Once in a while it gets someone’s attention.

I have a confession to make. In truly desperate times I have used, not often, drastic measures. For example, one time the state of New Jersey refused to renew my car registration because my car was reported stolen. I was driving it every day. How could it have been stolen? My township had no theft report and no one in motor vehicles would or could help me. I did something that, at one time, I would have called a despicable. I used the widow card.

It goes something like this, “Help, me. I’m a widow and all alone.” Even though it's true, and I'm at the end of my rope, I’m very reluctant to ever say this and have to be in a near life or death situation. It reminds me of the ad when the woman falls down and cries for help. I was once amused by that ad. Not anymore. Well, after stating my circumstances, someone in middle management actually took the time to check for a theft report and got back to me saying it was all a mistake. I was then, and only then, able to renew my car registration.

The time the widow card didn’t work was after my husband had a stroke and we willingly told the state he should no longer drive. They notified us of his loss of a driver’s license, and then I found out I could not get insurance. The reason was, we never turned in the actual card. In the aftermath of his serious illness, his license got lost. Not one soul at every state or department level could help me. I spent days on the phone and ran to the main Motor Vehicles Division, crying and begging for an answer. I even called politicians.

As long as I didn’t produce the actual card, I could not get insurance. I lived in the suburbs with a sick husband. How could I not drive? What about the multiple doctor appointments each week, not to mention that I needed a car to buy even a quart of milk.

Just as I was about to run out into the streets screaming, I found it. What would have happened had I not come upon the license, accidentally, underneath a dresser? I can’t tell you how that tale would have ended.

Now that I’m on a roll, in my next blog I’d like to relay some of the experiences I’ve had once I took over our finances that my husband always handled. It might help women who suddenly find themselves alone with the responsibility of running everything by themselves.

From the sexy G. (Honestly, I’m not feeling like the sexy G at the moment. We all have our moments, don’t we? Maybe next time). I think I soon need to get back to thoughts about fun things.

Posted by Fran Metzman at 7:21 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

While my other blogs are fictionalized, this is completely in the realm of over-the-top make-believe. It’s my idealized date with John Wayne whom I’m pretending is alive, single and available. I chose him because he’s the symbol of THE American male hero. Here’s how I imagine it would turn out.

I’ve just completed and submitted a profile for an online dating service. I want it known that I am a woman who wants a man who is not afraid to be vulnerable, who will put his emotions out there and take a risk. It’s clear in the ad I don’t want a macho man, but rather a sensitive soul in touch with his feminine side.

“Woman seeking a man who can relate to a female in an emotionally in-depth way, not afraid to show his fears, needs, insecurities, hopes and goals – or anything he may choose to tell me. He must be capable of listening. I don’t want anyone who hides his emotions behind a façade of a tough male, workaholism, intellectualism, alcohol/drugs, sacrificial victim, fame, wealth or any one of dozens of artificial barriers to a soul-searing relationship. He must want to dig into the bed rock of our inner lives. As for myself, I love walking, biking, hiking, reading novels, local and world news, picnics, candlelight dining, and cultural events (don’t forget the proverbial walks on the beach). In the area of music my tastes are varied. I appreciate jazz, classical, blues, gospel and even country western. Sensuality (after establishing a friendship) and bathing together occasionally is required. In the realm of physical appearances, I’m flexible up to a point. But he must not have dandruff all over a dark blazer. I never need to know if you use a stool softener.”

The first caller is a big surprise. It’s John Wayne, the symbol of machismo.

I know the persona this man projects is cowboy macho, along with the vague impression that women are an accessory in a man’s world. But there is something electric about his voice, and the way it gently abrades my skin and curls around me – not at all like the tough talking dude in the movies. His voice puts me in mind of a man with large, calloused hands who is asked to thread a needle. John is very polite and tells me he’s looking for a special woman, and I ask him why a man in his position finds it necessary to look for a woman on the internet.

"Glad you asked that question, ma’am. To be frank, I’m tired of the Hollywood types. They’re too high-pressured for me. I’m not the kind of guy you see on the screen. The hype of the super masculine man has dogged me all my working life. Besides, I was happy to see you like country western music. Why don’t you give me a chance?”

Did he say give him a chance? Wow. What a humble guy.

“You see,” he said, a slight drawl to his speech, “I’m kind of a sensitive guy, a one-woman man who has become famous on a misconception about who I am. I’ve had to live this life even outside of the studio. My reputation would be down the tubes if I acted like a man who expressed his feelings, fears and discussed relationships. Some women are attracted to bad-boys and lots of men need to relate to that made-up version of myself. That’s why I got excited when I read your ad. It called to me. So, how about we get together?”

Could I say no? I had to take this to the limit. He said he’d fly to Philadelphia for the weekend, and we could meet in the lobby of his hotel for a drink and dinner. He really wanted to get to know me, and he liked my picture because I looked down-home, and he swore that he’s through with female Hollywood types. He said he loved to walk on the beach with a fun-loving intelligent lady. WOW!!

I worry about dressing because he’s looking to meet someone down-to-earth and the sexy, low-cut, black frock I had in mind might be too provocative. I agonize about whether he likes that curious mixture of simple but sensuous or a dowdier earth tone look.

Finally, I settle on a red, cotton, high waist and high neck dress. The outfit is a bit frumpy, but overall, it makes a nice showing. Maybe frumpy is good – after all there was no time for glamour on the prairie. I buy a cute silver bracelet with ten, tiny, hanging horses.

The big day arrives. I am so excited. At the bar of The Four Seasons Hotel, I order a dirty vodka martini straight up and then worry about the wisdom of possibly slurring when the man walks in. I change the order to a glass of wine. John calls on his cell to let me know he is outside the hotel.

A tall, handsome, rugged man strides across the room. He doesn’t look right or left, but instead, right at me. Can he possible recognize me from my picture? As he gets closer, my heart races. What a gorgeous hunk!

“Fran,” he calls out, approaching me. “Say, gal. You sure look dandy in red. Seeing you makes the flight worthwhile. After all, gas is pretty darn expensive for those private planes.” He was immaculate in neatly pressed jeans, a blue oxford shirt and a navy blazer.

“Mr. Wayne. It’s a pleasure.”

“Please call me John.”

He orders a glass of milk and downs it in one gulp. He looks at me tenderly, a white moustache on his upper lip. I want to hug him.

“Well, Fran. What do you want to do? Want to grab a bite?”

“That would be fine.”

“I’ve got a surprise for you, Franny, girl.”

That sweet man grabs me by the hand and leads me out the door? A black limousine sits at the curb. Soon, we’re on our way to the shore. When we arrive, we trudge down to the beach. Pulling off our shoes, we walk, hand in hand, along the shoreline, tiny waves lapping at our feet. He's asking me questions about myself when I look back over my shoulder and see that the chauffeur has spread a blanket on the sand and is putting out plates, casseroles dishes and a champagne bucket. What bliss.

The moral of the story? Don’t judge a horse by the rider.

Posted by Fran Metzman at 7:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

“You don’t dress conservatively,” a man recently told me.

He’s right, but he might have been implying, you don’t dress appropriately for your age. I once was an earth-tone person with high necks collars because I wanted to be liked for my brain. Now, I say, screw the brain. Smarts don’t elicit the least bit of attention unless I’m helping someone with writing.

I hope, dear readers, you won’t accuse me of backtracking on one of my most ardent topics – equality among the sexes. All I can tell you is that what started as an experiment in my new dress code has become an addiction.

Now I dress in brighter colors, lots of skirts and wear lower necklines. At first I wanted to see how much attention it would elicit from the male population. It worked. Now I’ve become the female version of a peacock. This is the question; is it really possible that if one is ripe for a great romantic love, signals are sent out? Is it body language, a scent or simply shorter skirts and deeper necklines? Is it the sweeping view of the rounded tops of breasts (thanks to Victoria’s Secret push-me up bras) that a man sees from a higher vantage point? Unlike many species of the animal kingdom, with humans it is generally up to the woman to strut her stuff to attract the opposite sex.

I actually got to like looking “feminine” but never resorted to coy game-playing, something repellent to me. When I think about it, I realize I’m not looking to capture a man as much as I might enjoy the occasional stare or surreptitious glances.

What makes this ironic is that even though women may fuss to look glamorous, single, mature men often are potbellied, uncoordinated in dress, use colors that blind, cut their hair with a weed whacker and sometimes smell stale from not washing clothing frequently enough or properly. They may even be rude, cheap, or say inappropriate things, but they’ll always find women willing to go out with them because there are many more women than men.

Besides my more flamboyant dress, I think writing this blog has greatly unleashed a part of me that I didn’t know existed. Somehow, putting myself out there with the written word freed me up from the earth tone prison. Those colors tend to be inhibiting when worn to excess and may fade the wearer into the background.

So, what’s the moral lesson here? It’s never too late to be sexy? Is it that men think you’re easy when you dress more dramatically? Perhaps it’s more that men are suckers for a little cleavage – they’ll follow those melons like a starving man following the scent of food. It is possible to be sexy in the upper reaches of age.

My conversations in mixed company are now laced with the kind of humor and personal observations on romance I sometimes spew in my writing. This could be alluring to some men or a turn off for others. Perhaps this is what they mean by a sexual scent or does it come down to plain old tits and ass.

Some months back, my squeeze at the time was man we’ll call Jackson. We’d been going out for four months. He was smooth, urbane and, on the surface, pleasant, but not forthcoming emotionally. He had erected a barrier around his emotions and he ran on one low-key emotional gear. Everything in his world was perfect. No need to ever have an in-depth conversation.

He was an intelligent man, and I expected that he’d ultimately come through, reveal the inner person, (fears, hopes, goals, what made him happy/sad – you know the drill) and declare he was dying to know more about the inner me. I’d suggested enough times that this is what helps make a relationship go from blah to dynamic. When he laughed at the silly notion of getting into the deepest recesses of our hidden selves, I decided to give him a little more time. He was smart, he’d come around.

One day he called. “Hi,” Jackson said. “Happy almost birthday. It’s next Saturday, huh?”

I was delighted he remembered. “Right, and it feels as though I had one three months ago.”

Jackson laughed. “Hey, I can’t see you that night.”

My stomach crunched. “Why not?”

“Well, I have a brunch with relatives the morning of your birthday.”

Silence. So what about later in the day? “I don’t mind going out later.”

“My relatives are funny. Got to stay loose. They might want me to stay through the evening. How could I tell them I can’t stay?”

Read my lips. “Say, it’s my girlfriend’s birthday, and I’m taking her out tonight.” I would think that’s appropriate in view of the fact he was going to be with them from eleven AM until five or six PM? “Eight would be fine. They didn’t make a definite plan with you for later in the day.”

“No, but you never know if they’ll ask. Sorry, that’s how I like to do it.”
Bang. I hung up. Is it about control, that he’s telling me he sets the rules or is it just plain rudeness? It could even be the need to keep intimacy at arm’s length or all of the above. In my head I heard him say, “That bitch will never dictate how I spend my time.” I gathered myself together and moved on.

I admit there is a comedic aspect to it all, and the fun of strutting cleavage and bright colors are not enough to carry a relationship through. In the end, it all comes down to a person’s inner attractiveness, self-awareness and the ability to reveal themselves and not be terrified of being vulnerable.

Paige Parker, author of an e-book called, Dating Without Drama, said this: “The key to a successful love life isn’t being lucky enough to find the ‘perfect’ man. The answer to having the fulfilling relationship you’ve always wanted is actually within you. Trust me…this is good news! It means you actually have a lot more control over the outcome of your dating life than you may have realized. Instead of trusting your fate to your love horoscope or wishing on a star, you can harness your own intelligence, strength and confidence and utilize those attributes to get the love you deserve.”

I need to go inward as far as possible to learn more about myself. Given that, maybe I’ll have a better shot at identifying the elusive, soulful, caring, nurturing male I would like. No one outside of myself can make me happy. Only I can do that for myself. If I allow others to bring me down, shame on me.

Sexy G

Posted by Fran Metzman at 6:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Recently, I went on an online mature dating service. After a barrage of e-mails from younger men, some in their thirties looking for women sixty plus (that’s another story), I came across other interesting profiles. Several men stated they were looking for a woman who was a “lady” and others who were looking for a woman who wasn’t too “aggressive.”

I e-mailed each of them back and asked for a definition of those terms. I was curious because it has to have different meanings to each person. I never got a response from any of my requests. Maybe they assumed that if I didn’t know what they meant, I must be one of those aggressive ball-busters.

The following quote comes from an essay by Maureen Dowd, columnist for The New York Times, adapted from her book published in 2005, “Are Men Necessary: When Sexes Collide.” She had this to say; “Decades after the feminist movement promised equality with men, it was becoming increasingly apparent that many women would have to brush up on the venerable tricks of the trade: an absurdly charming little laugh, a pert toss of the head, an air of saucy triumph, dewy eyes and a full knowledge of music, drawing, elegant note writing and geography. It would once more be considered captivating to lie on a chaise lounge, pass a lacy handkerchief across the eyelids and complain of a case of springtime giddiness.

“Today, women have gone back to hunting their quarry – in person and in cyberspace – with elaborate schemes designed to allow the deluded creatures to think they are the hunters.”

These issues raise many conflicting approaches leave single people in an utter state of exhaustion. Read the personal ads and you’ll frequently see the request for no game-playing. Yet, here we are in an era where there’s so much advice for women in how to plan and hatch plots to catch a man

So, it seems we have made a complete circle. Just when we thought women had gained their dignity and didn’t have to pursue men by manipulation and feminine wiles, we are brought up short and told that doesn’t cut it. Is it true that, by and large, men just don’t care about falling for a woman on a level playing field?

Maureen Dowd continued, “…The Way to approach men, we reasoned, was forthrightly and without games, artifice or frills. Unfortunately, history has shown this to be a misguided notion.”

I recently read a sales pitch for a book where the premise encourages women to give men what the author thinks they want. He suggested men want to be adored by a woman, hypnotized and bedazzled by her charm. Men will be under her control by her manipulations and powerless to resist. A woman’s responsibility is to make her man happy. Sadly, there are many books that have surfaced in recent years with the same message.

I ask you, how does a woman make a man happy? It seems that real happiness can only come from within an individual. Many times over the years, I’ve heard men complain that their mates don’t make them happy. Some even walked out of their marriage for that reason.

In many instances, I realized several of those men were not happy people to begin with. It’s not possible for anyone to serve up joy to a mate who is essentially joyless. It is necessary to examine ourselves and come to terms with our past before we can find happiness. Each person must do that before judging their mate’s value. They might have a different perspective if hey do. Sometimes it requires the help of a counselor.

On a deeper level, those complaining may be even be depressed. To blame your partner is taking the easy way out because it doesn’t require introspection. Pointing the finger takes the heat off of themselves. It is not unusual for man or woman to go into a relationship expecting a partner to solve all of their personal problems for them rather than doing the hard work of discovering insights about themselves and coming to terms with the root causes.

The initial burst of dazzle in the early stages of a romance helps mask the symptoms of depression. But when the relationship mellows and the sizzle reduces to a slow simmer, the sadness that went on hold before reappears. Rather than rising to another level, many choose to ignore the underlying problems that need to be faced and look for external causes.

In recent years, numerous books and web sites have popped up suggesting ways for woman to approach and handle dating situations. Why do women need to be guided? It seems being yourself, expressing who you are and being honest are the approaches women should pursue. These new publications have resurected a language from the past.

Elaine Sihera, a Personal Empowerment Relationship Consultant has this to say, “…Gradually women have been gaining parity with men over the last 30 years and have taken charge of their own lives. They no longer depend on men to dictate the direction of their lives and are enjoying the new freedoms such parity brings. In the process, men have begun to feel very insecure and wary of women. With their own jobs, their own
money, their own house and the desire to remain single until they choose, or forever women have moved the goal posts, changed the relationship culture and relegated men to a different level of uncertainty.”

What does this mean in the scheme of present-day dating and relationships? It has to have serious impact. From my own observations, of all ages but especially with older men, these insecurities create destructive fissures in relationships. Sadly, it seems the dating scene has regressed and returned to a pre-feminist mind set. We are losing ground to the movement toward equality between men and women.

Sihera continues, “…finally, lots of men would like someone intelligent but many also add that they should not be too intellectual! They feel inadequate squaring up to an intellectual female because women used to be seen and not heard. They really can’t handle the woman who thinks too much. Yet, tons of women are moving into higher education and getting professional qualifications in order to choose their own career direction so they would want to use the intellectual clout this would give them. Women have been accused of playing men at their own game with one night stands, so even sex is being controlled to a great extent by women.

“Older men, in particular those over 50, are finding this new world very difficult to deal with. Having been brought up to be ‘gentlemen’ in a world which is gradually rejecting such gentlemen they feel useless and undervalued. The definition of a ‘lady’ shares very little with that of current ladies and many men find themselves at sea without a paddle when looking for a new mate. In fact, many of them complain about the ‘brashness’ of modern ladies who are not afraid to ask for what they want and don’t wait to be given it. Many of these men cannot deal with the women’s approach to sex, especially when as the dominant gender, men used to lead on things sexual.”

Where exactly does this regressive trend leave us? It doesn’t look good. Schisms, lack of communication, fear, resistance to change all contribute to leaving men and women in different spheres unnecessarily. We MUST break down the barriers that prevent understanding the changes that have taken place and, hopefully, will continue. There must be equality and acceptance of the new roles of men and women, despite an outdated, dishonest trend that is creeping back into our lives.

Sexy G

Posted by Fran Metzman at 3:33 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

We all have a perception of who we think we are. Most times, that outer person is hugely different from the the one living within. Is that okay? In many instances we need privacy and then it works. It's not necessary for people to spill their inner self all the time. Also, there are times we need to act differently with various people. For example, it's rude to make a show of wealth when with people of lesser means.

If role playing occurs in a healthy manner, and we are aware of the different personalities contained within ourselves, then we can deal well with the different personalities. We struggle with who we really are vs. the mask we put on for the public. When unaware of these issues, the results can be devastating. We enter a life-long fight to maintain the facade of the person who we think we are, the one who wants to impress the world.

It is an everyday struggle that might barely be in our perceptions, but is capable of draining spontaneity, humor and warmth. This kind of effort can desensitive a human to the point where they are so emotionally cutoff they become robotic. It can take a superhuman effort to maintain an public image that has been designed by society.

When is this outside persona dangerous? If we don't question the prescribed modes of behavior that society imposes on us, we can be in serious trouble. The images begin the wiring process from a very early age. Our parents, teachers, religious leaders, employers and just about every institutions have input into our lives.

Not all prescribed behaviors are bad. We learn manners, tact, civility and superficial ways of connecting socially. It gets us through many situatons.

Little boys are especially prey to these forced roles. Society prohibits boys from showing emotion or they will be called wimps. Because there is a deep-rooted fear that boys who identify with their mothers in any way shape or form will become gay, they are pressured to be "tough" and never cry. How ludicrous.

There are many aspects of females, that when adopted by men, make them more secure and free, much more able to make friends with women and themselves. Without that sensitization, relationships with men of that ilk are probably doomed to fail or likely to produce unhappy relationships.

Men will never understand women if they are not allowed to take a fearless look at female behavior and duplicate some of what they see. Maintaining a force-fed persona creates adult men who are totally cut off from feelings and ultimately the human race. They have no ability to display feelings, reveal themselves, laugh at their own foibles and they live in fear they will appear wimpy.

Of course, little girls are encouraged to nurture and play with dolls, despite parents swearing they present all sides of the picture. Thank goodness this is changing because of the real world. Women finally realize they need careers even if they make less than a man for the same work.

Because women are in the workforce in droves, they can identify with masculine characteristics without fear, but if they are too aggressive, they will be accused of needing to get laid or of being Lesbians. But when they, too, absorb society's created roles without question, they suffer, as well. Often they pray to meet a sensitive man who displays a femine side, but run the other way when face to face with one as a potential mate. They might never realize they are slaves to images imposed from childhood. That honest male who is in touch with his femine side faces ridcule and social ostracism.

So, these facades stay with us until way into adulthood. Even men who are truly sensitive underneath, when they gather in groups, feel they must act like macho dunces.

Aside from gender roles, society imposes rigid rules for behavior on all levels; wealth, religion, social status, economic status, educational status and many others. To be successful is the dominant theme and men who don't reach the levels dictated by society are made to feel emasculated which can lead to depression, acting out, and even physical illness.

We fear losing control because we might reveal who we really are. We hide beneath masks plastered to our faces. Fear prevents internal exploration so we never discover the real reasons we are unhappy, and we walk around repressed, angry and unsure of the next step.

As adults, we should question images not of our making, those that have been grooved into our brains from infancy. We need to pick and choose the ones that make a good fit and discard those that leave us lifeless. It may make us happy and might help in getting to like ourselves.

Release the buried emotions. If you are honest and straight about who you are, you might be pleasantly surprised and gratified. The real you can command respect and you might regain lost precious emotions that are healing to the psyche. It might come as a big relief when you shed heavy layers of skin and uncover the buried treasure of the real you!

Sexy G (as fellow blogger Jill calls me)

Posted by Fran Metzman at 1:34 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Hey, you're dating seriously. How do you handle money? One way is for each to kick in half and cut everything down the line to the penny. I've had men tell me upfront they expect to go Dutch on every date. "Any questions or problems with that, just move on, lady. There's someone waiting to fill your place.

This every penny down the line concept can produce another set of problems. Once when I was out with a couple the man picked up my bill. When I thanked him, his partner nastily said I should thank her. Although it was his decision, she paid for half, and obviously didn't want to pay for me. He made the decision unilaterally although he wasn't free to do that.

In another situation, the man made far more than the woman and she resented paying half when she was struggling economically. But he insisted on each kicking in. Sometimes she paid more than half. When you factor in that women make less than a man for a comparable job, you might want to change the rules a bit. If you don't, it will inevitably have an impact on every aspect of a relationship, including the bedroom.

How about the man who borrows money from a woman and doesn't pay it back because he feels he's paying for her dinners so he deserves it. All of these occurances dredge up unpleasant feelings. When friends of the same sex go out, usually no one pays attention to who ordered a more expensive dish or who had an extra drink. The bill is equally divided. Why is there such a big fuss with couples worrying about who paid more?

There was a man I dated who lived in another nearby city. He wanted to become more intimate and I liked him. He asked if I could come visit and stay at a hotel. For various complicated reasons, I could not stay with him at his home. He did not offer to pay the hotel bill. At the time, I didn't think that was unfair so I arranged to attend a conference. It was quite expensive, but I thought the effort worthwhile. We had a lovely time, and he wanted to see me again.

I agreed and we continued our conversations via telephone and e-mailing. I enjoyed his intelligence. We began to include some phone sex. This was a first for me and, I have to say, it's was quite a lot of fun to do it wiht someone you like.

Things were heating up between us. Time passed and he made no offer to arrange for my hotel, but he continued to press me for a date to visit. Finally, I said it was his turn to pay for the hotel. There was a long silence and nothing said. We hung up and, naturally, I began to see a cheap side. It bothered me that I had to even ask.

I said nothing about coming in after that and he finally asked me to split the cost. When I balked because I'd paid the entire bill myself the last time, he said, "Oh, well. You attended a conference. You got more out of it." He also wanted me to telephone him from that point on so he could save his minutes. That makes me wonder about why he needs to save his minutes and for whom? You have to understand that this man was wealthy with a fabulous job.

Yikes!! After a few more conversations, I saw that chintzy people have chintzy emotions. I no longer wanted to see him. One must try to project what kind of effect that behavior has on the other person. The anger will come out sooner or later and sometimes for the wrong reasons.

Here's my idea. Let the man pay for all or most of the dinners out along with the cost of entertainment. It's so much more romantic with a lot less resentment and causes for stress. This can be evened out by a woman cooking dinners. One night eat out and the next two or three nights, eat in -- prepared and paid for by the woman. And/or she may occassionally pick up the check in a restaurant, buy an occasional ticket to whatever he enjoys, be it a sporting event or the orchestra. There is always a lovely little present she can buy to say thank you.

Will it come out even? Perhaps not. But ir you get all uptight about it the romance will go out the window? At the end of a year, maybe the man paid a couple of hundred more. Is it worth fussing about it? Remember, cheap men will get cheap sex. It's a cheap price to pay of adoration, love, caring and loyalty.

I invite your opinions on this ticklish problem. Look for the comment button below each blog on the right hand side and give me your take.

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 8:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I am a huge fan of yours. Who doesn’t love all of your books and screenplays? When Harry Met Sally and Heartburn are especially poignant for me. With your wit and intelligence you have hung your life out for all to see, and you do it with incredible humor and grace. I find your insights on the mark. You should get a purple heart for some of the bumps in the road that you have endured and for your amazing candor in talking about it. I Feel Bad About My Neck And Other Thoughts on Being a Woman intrigued me and had me laughing out loud and misting up at the tender moments. For instance, you gloss over your divorces lightly in the book, but I believe I felt your pain – a tribute to your writing. It is this book I am responding to. For those who don’t know, Nora Ephron’s book deals mainly with the trials and tribulations of aging.

Let me introduce myself to you, Nora. I am one of those idiots who extol some of the joys of getting older. I’m a couple of years older than you and widowed. I found the mature dating scene rather bleak and it became an impetus to writing about it. My opinions are spelled out seriously/humorously/fictionally on the blog I write for Wild River Review. I write about the problems between men and women and how they can be improved. Much of it applies to all ages.

I admit there are many down sides to getting older, and many unpleasant aspects in the process., but, in my delirium, I find much that’s advantageous. As for mature sex, I have difficulty finding a considerate lover, but the occasional good one is so much fun. I am far more uninhibited now. Today, I can indulge in sex openly without the taboos of yesteryear where women developed “bad reputations.” That label was like wearing a scarlet letter. I was told from an early age on that that the only way to snag a good husband was to remain a virgin until marriage. That caused a lot of sexual repression and fear in me. I had to work hard at exorcising that kind of built-in neurosis over they years.

Now, having become a woman of a certain age, I don’t give a damn what they call me. They can say I’m a slut. At this stage, that’s a compliment. Sadly, I haven’t had as many sexual encounters as I’d have liked because there is a dearth of men who have emotional appeal. I do need that before jumping into bed. The truth is, I’m still waiting for a true soulmate lover. That desire has not diminished with age. I heartily believe in romance and, hopefully, one day it will happen.

Should I be careful about what I wish for? Perhaps, but I don’t worry about bad decisions either. Making a mistake in choosing a romantic interest is no longer of much consequence. I’m not concerned about a future with marriage and a picket fence. I’m into the now, this minute. If it’s not right, then I extricate myself and am free to move on.

For me, getting older has allowed me to find my stride. As a child and through my adult life, I kept reinventing myself to please whomever I admired or those who had some measure of control over my future. Whether I became friendly with the parents of the children my kids played with or entertained associates and the powers connected with my husband’s career, I spent a lot of years being someone else. Now, I answer only to myself (kids and grandkids excluded). I am fucking free!!

Over the years, I have divested myself of people I thought to be bleeding me emotionally. By making these changes, my head and time are cleared to do the things I love; visiting grandkids, reading, seeing friends, going to the theater, entertaining myself, traveling, playing tennis, writing and more writing. Constant complainers, narcissists and mean gossips stay away from my door.

I now feel empowered to be myself and to confront problematic issues instead of internalizing them which I did for many years for fear of making people angry at me. At this juncture in my life, I don’t care who likes me or not. My friends will remain my friends and the others are meant to go by the wayside.

I’m much more cognizant of how precious time is and try hard to utilize it better then I did at a younger age. I pissed away a lot of time over they years, time that I wish I could have back. So, now each minute of work/play is harvested with greater care, like full-bodied grapes that have the potential to make excellent wine.

Nora, I think you are glamorous and beautiful (No, I’m not going to ask you out on a date). As for myself, I now take much better care, apply more cosmetics, and I think I look better than I once did. Back then I ran around raising children, went back to school, was in charge of the household, helped my husband’s career on a grand scale and dealt with people, some of whom drained me. I think I was more haggard and had less time to pamper myself.

I go to the beauty parlor more often, but don’t spend a lot of money on face creams and such. For years, I’ve used mineral oil on my face. It costs around a couple of bucks a bottle and lasts forever because you can’t slather it on. I horrify the woman who occasionally gives me a facial. She thinks it will clog my pores. I’ve been using it for twenty years and no zits. My big extravagance is Retin-A which costs more but is still relatively inexpensive – well under a hundred bucks a tube.

Also, we can whiten our coffee-stained teeth easily. My mother at forty looked more matronly and older than I do at sixty plus. And our generation lives longer with more quality of life than our parents. I walk two to three miles a day, can trek a couple of miles of the San Francisco hills, play vigorous tennis, ride a bike and work out (sometimes). It’s more than I did at an earlier age. Maybe I’ll drop dead in my sleep, but right now, I’m having a blast.

I used to think clothing unimportant, so sure people would like me for my mind. HA! What a crock. Today, I wear shorter dresses, skirts more often, lower necklines and more trendy clothing. I actually get more looks from men now then I did before (never realized how far cleavage can go). So what if it’s all a façade. Feeling good is my goal in life or else I don't do it unless absolutely necessary. I have choices that I now make for myself.

I grew up very poor and money was always an issue. I used to worry a lot about what might happen to me in the future. Will I be comfortable financially (yes), how will my kids turn out (fabulous – daughter a lawyer and son a doctor) and will I have adorable, wonderful, smart grandkids (yes!).

That gives me a big sense of relief, and I pray hard that it will continue. In essence, the future has happened. I could commit suicide about that concept, but I’m too curious to see how the rest plays out.

As for a bikini – never wore one before and don’t worry about it now. The younger people I hang out with, mostly in the arts, don’t give a rat’s ass about age. They are mentally stimulating and invigorating. They give off a vibrating energy that I absorb and apply to my own life, and I try to do the same in return. I’m not referring to the wisdom gained by the time mature years are reached, but rather an exchange of information, humor, wit and fun (and wine, too). Screw wisdom.

We look at younger women who are in their prime and, believe it or not, they might be envying us – not that they want to be older, but rather they envy that we’re basically finished with the nightmares they’re encountering. Younger people are still struggling with relationships, bad marriages, the devastation of divorce, single parenthood, children with problems, aging parents and all kinds of dating issues. Sometimes, they wish for the time to pass more quickly to get over the humps. For younger people, being coupled is more important. They have many struggles to contend with and having a partner sometimes eases stress. My life is fulfilled. Being with a terrific man would be wonderful, but I can live quite pleasantly without the pleasure of a partner. There are other enjoyable activities that single people can reach for.

Granted, we do have a limited window of time on this earth. But, I breathe a sigh of relief every time I leave a funeral – it’s not me this time. And, yes, friends around us are getting ill and dealing with physical problems. But as long as this body and mind work, I’m going to drain the life out of what is out there just for the picking.

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 4:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

In the last blog, I addressed the issue of sexually transmitted diseases (especially HIV/AIDS) among mature daters. In addition, Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health recently announced that oral sex may have a connection to throat cancer. That’s something we all have to look into, and perhaps will be dealt with in another blog. I mention this new finding because I would guess that oral sex is more prevalent among mature people given the greater frequency of erectile problems among older men as opposed to younger men. Given all that, it does add some special perplexing problems for the mature set.
So, here are some of my imaginings, tongue in cheek, because if we don’t laugh we’ll bawl our heads off. The following musings might better apply to the elderly elderly rather than the young elderly (Yes, folks, there is a young elderly population).

Scenario 1: Some older man might experience some difficulty in getting an erection. So, let’s assume that task is accomplished. Now, in view of the news about increasing rates of HIV/AIDS among the eldery, his partner asks him to use a condom. It might be something he hasn’t done for a very long time, or he might have hand tremors. Certainly, he isn’t as agile as he once was. Slowly, he attempts to put the condom on. By the time he’s finished, he might have lost his erection. Now he needs to be aroused again. By that time his partner, who missed her afternoon nap, falls asleep.

Scenario 2: Another elder gentleman thinks it might be more exciting for his partner to put the condom on for him. That way, he will not need to be aroused a second time. They can get started as soon more quickly.

Never in the woman’s forty-five years of marriage did she use one. In earlier times, she used an IUD and then jumped to the pill (married women of her era usually took care of protection). Being a kind person, and curious she agrees. She is also interested in having good sex which he assures her is about to happen. But, she is deaf, and for this event she has taken out both hearing aids. He hands her the condom and waits with an eager smile on his lips.

"Okay, I’m ready for you,” he says. “Just unroll it as you go. Now put it on.”

“Put it where?” she asks.

“Can’t you hear?” he responds.

“In your ear?”

Scenario 3: A man has just entered a nursing home and he immediately falls in love with a lovely white-haired woman. She falls for him, too. He’s been a widower for a long time and was sexually active before he arrived. In this particular home there appears to be zero tolerance for romance. They both decide they want to make love. Neither one sees that well so they don't drive. It's now the middle of the night. They have decided to have safe sex. Obviously, there is no condom dispensing machine. What to do?

They steal into the kitchen and look for plastic wrap. Just as they’re pulling a length from the box, a nurse walks in.

“What are you two doing?”

“Um, uh, we have some birthday cake we want to wrap.”

“At this hour? Indeed. Get back to your rooms.”

Another night of fun shot to hell. Such are the travails of safe sex with very mature lovers.

In closing, I have a story related to me by a social worker – I assume it’s true. Even if it’s an urban legend there is every possibility it could be happening as we speak. I am going to recreate the story from what I was told.

A very, very elderly woman called a social worker and wanted a caretaker to come in for two hours every Thursday.

“How old are you?” the social worker asked.

“I’m 93.”

“May I ask what your disability is?” the social worker asked.

“Disability? I don’t have a one. I’m fine. I take care of myself.”

“Well, I’m sorry, but I can’t send someone if you don’t really need help with things like bathing, shopping and meals. You see what I mean?”

“But I do need someone strong to come to my boyfriend’s home.”

“Your boyfriend? How old is he?”

“Oh, he’s ninety-seven.”

“How nice for both of you. Then you’re saying he needs a caretaker? What is his disability?”

“No disability. What is wrong with you? Don’t you get it?” the old woman asks.

“Sorry, I don’t,” the frustrated social worker replies.

“Look, my boyfriend can’t lift me. We have sex every Thursday, but my arthritis is kicking in badly. I need someone to come out, pick me up and put me on top of him. Can’t we enjoy a little intimacy?”

For several moments there’s silence. “What time did you say on Thursday?”

As for condoms for this couple, well, we won’t go there. Don’t sell older folks short, even when they use walkers!

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 4:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In all of my opinion pieces I am a champion of older adults enjoying sexual bliss. Keep in mind, all of my comments and observations are meant to relay how I personally view life and relationships. My aim is to ask people of all ages to look at multiple aspects of a situation rather than carry pre-conceived notions. So, here’s another segment to being a sexually active mature adult that is not generally thought to be a problem.

Women, after menopause, are no longer concerned with pregnancy. That is certainly an upside in the arena of sexual enjoyment at advanced ages. It opens us up for new experiences. Some older women are just beginning to find their sexual stride at the same time they receive senior discounts (what a dynamic pairing).

But, the downside is that sexually active, mature adults might not pay much attention to the use of condoms. They, also, for the most part, believe they are a low-risk population for HIV. It is a myth.

With new information coming out, the statistics are showing otherwise. People are living longer. AIDS cases in the over-fifty population rose more than twice as fast between 1991 and 1996 as it did among younger adults. It is clear now that older adults have to be as cautious as their younger counterparts.

In the USA, between 10 to 15 % of cases of acquired immunodeficiency syndrome has occurred in people 50 years old and older. In addition, diagnoses among the elderly can be delayed since many don’t investigate, believing it doesn’t happen to older adults or physicians don’t suspect the disease for the same reason. To complicate the problem, mature adults often have other ailments and a variety of medications that might interact poorly with the disease. Even remembering to take medication adds a new dimension of difficulties.

As stated in the February, 2001 issue of Health Resources and Services Administration, HIV/AIDS Bureau, “The population is becoming older with the maturing of the baby-boomer generation. Social norms about divorce, sex and dating in America are changing, and drugs like Viagra are facilitating a more active sex life. Consequently, the risk of exposure to HIV for older Americans is increasing.”

We now know, many seniors are sexually active, and, some are drug users. Their behavior can put them a risk for HIV infection. Because seniors are not routinely tested, many seniors who are HIV infected go undetected.

So, now seniors are faced with ageism and infection from a sexually-or-IV-drug transmitted disease. Even though men who have sex with men are the largest group of AIDS cases in the over-fifty group, heterosexual women have been infected at a higher rate and, as they age into their 60’s and beyond, comprise a greater percentage.

Again, as reported in Health Resources and Services Administration, “With HIV-positive individuals living longer, a growing proportion of deaths from AIDS is occurring among older individuals. In 1994, one in four deaths from AIDS occurred among people ages 45 years and older. In 1998, 2 years after the wide-scale introduction of HAART, the proportion had risen to one in three, underscoring the need for systems of care and support that respond to the needs of an aging HIV-positive population.”

There is the distinct danger of misdiagnosis. Many HIV symptoms (such as: weight loss, shortness of breath, skin eruptions and fatigue) mimic symptoms of diseases associated with aging. It’s not uncommon for health care providers to be unaware that mature adults are an at-risk population. Younger doctors/psychologist/social workers may hesitate about discussing sexuality with older patients.

How many people ask their Grandparents or even a parent if they are having safe sex? So, it’s great to enjoy quality sex, but make it safe -- and that's the best.

From the sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

In our society men tend to be the receivers while women are expected to be the senders. Women have been wired by society to be caretakers and nurturers, thus senders, often receiving little emotional gratification in return. Women who don’t play that role are considered to be too masculine, pushy and aggressive. Of course, this concept is prevalent among older generations, BUT, seems to be true, in varying degrees, for all ages.

As receivers, men are socialized to avoid emotional issues. It’s sissy and emasculating. The message that males seem to be receiving from an early age on is that once they are on an equal footing with women as to feelings and opinions, they will be rendered powerless. If they admit to having deep sensitivities, that somehow takes them down a few notches. The underlying feeling is that if men communicate and give quality listening to a female, they then enter a level playing field. It becomes a healthy give and take. Some men have told me that when they attempt to have a dialogue with a woman and it becomes too intimate, they can’t breathe. YIKES! That’s scary.

I’m going to give you my perspective on the damage that kind of wiring extracts. Men can be reluctant to dig for reasons as to why they behave in certain ways even when their relationship is beginning to fall apart? They feel they don’t need to. One reason is that when men are emotionally unavailable, the women in their lives think they will be the one to change him and are willing to set their own needs aside. In this respect, they become the enableres. Sometimes I think they fear they won't be loved or at worst, will be abondoned.

“Somehow these women always have an excuse for the guy’s shortcomings.” That quote is from Dating Advice Newsletter put out by Christian Carter. Also, from the same newsletter, “Women (and men) don’t base their choices of men on how nice or good someone is to them day-to-day. Women choose the men they do because they feel a powerful GUT LEVEL ATTRACTION for them. And guess what? Some women will continue to put up with a guy that doesn’t treat them very well. Sometimes for months or years…”

Men generally seem unwilling to work very hard to find out why a relationship, they might care deeply about, is disintegrating or has died. As one highly educated man I know stated when I described a play that went into the psyches of the characters, “That’s crap. It’s chick stuff.”
Yet, there are so many male writers of sad, yearning love songs, and male poets writing about lost loves, new love and hoping for love to materialize. Male writers sometimes dig deep into what makes a relationship tick. This demonstrates male awareness of the need for introspection. I believe men yearn for a great, nourishing relationship as much as any woman does. But from the time they were little boys until adulthood, they are told to repress tears, run away when there is an emotional crisis rather than face the multitude of feelings. The subliminal messages tell them that women are supposed to manage the emotional aspects of life while a man turns to work, ballgames or golf to escape.

I believe women outlive men because females tend to express their emotions—for the most part. Repressing feelings can manifest in the form of physical ailments. It is recognized that different chemicals are released in the body by anxiety and negativity as opposed to contentment. Not facing your emotions and dealing with them can produce a poor quality of life or possibly an early death. It wears down the body parts more quickly, and makes us more prone to illness.

Kristi Williams, assistant professor of sociology at Ohio State University co-authored a study that was published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior. “The findings indicate that abusive men don’t show signs of depression or other reactions to the stress they’re under. Instead, the feelings of stress build up and are released in bursts of violence.”

In my opinion it is the secure man who is far more masculine and developed emotionally if he shows his feelings and reveals his inner self. Only the most stable men with the strongest sense of self-esteem can buck the tradition and open themselves up.

So, it seems, we’re training our men to die before women by having them crush feelings. Of course, my mother always told me the reason women outlive men by seven or eight years is that God wanted to give them a rest.

MEN! OPEN UP YOUR HEARTS AND SOULS AND INCREASE YOUR LIFE SPAN! You don’t have to do it just to have a better relationship (God forbid). Do it for health reasons. I assure you that if women get a small overflow of the emotions you pour out, we’ll take it. Don’t die before your time.

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 8:58 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here’s what I’m looking for in a potential mate:

A man who says he wants to be friends first. He should be interested in the insights I have about myself and won’t respond with a judgmental lecture. And he’d never throw up to me what I told him in confidence the next time we disagree about some issue.
An introspective guy who understands his own behavior (both the good and bad), and will discuss his revelations. He will allow himself to be vulnerable. It won’t bother him to talk about his emotions. He’ll comb the depths of his past to discover how it impacts on his behavior – perhaps inserting an edge of humor. Discussing stresses in his life and his deepest fears will come naturally. He might have concerns about ailments we mature folk are subject to and feels free to voice them. I once asked a man in a wheelchair to dance, and he sat me on his lap and wheeled me around. Too bad he was married.

How about someone who likes to read (hopefully, some fiction mixed with history and biographies that men like so much) and has an enlightened sensitivity to the world around him. Foreign films won’t scare him and he’ll be amenable to serious dramatic movies and theatre. I won’t ever hear the refrain, “That’s chick stuff.” Music choices may be eclectic. Anything goes.
Together we’ll find the dark side of humor and laugh at all the rigid boundaries imposed on us by social institutions, some good and others harmful, especially those that stunt creativity.
This mythical man will laugh at his own foibles and will run straight into the eye of laughter. He’ll love picnics, outdoor concerts and jazz festivals. Museums and galleries will be on his list. Then there are city and country walks, hiking, driving escapades to nowhere and trekking the beaches.

He’ll want to head for the hills to a charming bed and breakfast and not care that it’s football season. Too often men and some women retreat from painful internal conflicts by obsessively watching sports, not unlike other socially unacceptable addictions like drugs and alcohol.
Now, this would be spectacular – a man who cleans up automatically after I’ve cooked dinner. When he clears the table, stacks the dishes in the dishwasher and washes a pot or two without being asked, it makes me so hot. I put this spontaneous behavior on the list of top ten ways to indulge in foreplay.

We'll watch the sunset and sunrise with me nestled in his arms. Occasionally, he’ll clip articles from newspapers and journals of interest to me. Once in a while he’ll suggest we go to a dive bar, the zoo or even the library. He’ll hold my hand and kiss in public. He must know what the Madonna Syndrome is and not ask if I meant the present-day singer, Madonna.

I'd like a man who listens to some of my observations and remembers half of what I say. He won’t judge or lecture, but, instead, will open up about his own insights and thoughts.
We’ll talk and listen to each other as we reveal who we are, down to the deepest recesses of our loneliest inner core. And he’ll know there’s a real human sitting next to him, not a recording device.

When there’s a long silence between us, he’ll gently touch my shoulder as a way to say he’s aware of my presence. If, after all this buildup we find that we care about each other, we can move to the next step – intimacy. We’ll have reached the point where sensuality begins to surpass chitchat

If I’m flirty he won’t necessarily react by immediately jumping on my bones. The trip from living room to bedroom is nicer when it’s sensual and slow.
When engaged in light conversation, he might touch my cheek, skate my arm or neck with his fingers. With his fingers he’ll gently outline the tops of my breasts, my cleavage. This kind of foreplay makes the anticipation of lovemaking much more exciting.
And when we make love, we’ll undress each other slowly, take turns rubbing our bodies with oil, and give each other mini-massages. He might even remember to bring the Astro Glide (glory be). His touch will be tender at first and then when we are both fully aroused, we will kiss hard, and communicate our feelings with our tongues. If he’s daring, he’ll kiss the back of my knees, and take my fingers into his mouth one at a time. Do I dare mention licking toes (washed, of course)?

He’ll participate in the play arena of sex, and even find some aspects hilarious, like sexual gymnastic positions (a little harder to achieve when older, but doable). My ideal man will be a gentle lover who is concerned about my needs as well as expressing his own desires. He’s truly adventurous.

This man will light candles, take a bath with me and chill champagne. He’ll make sure I’ve had an orgasm even if he had one first.
Finally, I’d love a man who makes me his number one priority!
Now ask me what I’d do if I’d meet this dream man. How about, everything that is within my power. I’d give in return everything I’ve asked for. I will love, adore, praise, listen to, touch, kiss, deep kiss, French kiss and make love to this man with open abandon. There’s no time to waste in repressing and suppressing emotions. If that’s not enough, I’d do more.

In a book called, good husband, great marriage, by Robert Mark Alter, therapist and marriage counselor, said, “A lot of what I say in this book about us men admitting our deficiencies as partners to you women and becoming good husbands to you will come as a totally new way of thinking for your husband – a whole new way of understanding husbanding and marriage.” I think this relates to all relationships, not just the married folks.

I find that I’m standing on a desolate mountain yelling, “WHERE ARE YOU?”

The sexy Grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 9:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Don’t suggest she’s an alcoholic if she has a second glass of wine, especially as you are in the process of downing a double martini.

Don’t tell her how upright and kind you are then lie, snip sarcastically at people and put them down for no apparent reason except to build up your own ego.

Don’t eat just before going out to dinner so that you’ll order less food, particularly if money is not a problem for you.

Don’t look over into her empty plate after finishing dinner and exclaim excitedly about her healthy appetite.

Don't stare at your plate the entire time you are eating dinner. Try to look her in the eye and converse. It is part of the romantic experience.

Don’t tell her your ex-wife cheated on you and that you were loyal and devoted throughout your thirty-year marriage. This story is a cliche but, if in the off-chance it happens to be true, wait a while before you spring it on your new love. She has to trust you before she’ll believe it.

Don’t tell her you were a good husband and father and yet, have no idea why your wife walked out on you. Think about your participation, and be honest.

Don’t pretend emotions are only for women. Everyone has them. If you’ve managed to suppress yours, you will find your relationship stuck in a boring groove.

Don’t demean the women’s movement because it makes you feel manly. All it does is show your insecurities.

Don’t put down good dramas that develop characters and evolving relationships. It is an area where we all can learn. If you deny the seriousness of it because you consider it "girl" stuff and refuse to listen, you will be on the wrong side of enlightenment.

Don’t give your ex-wife names or addresses of the women you’re dating (or even a hint) if you owe the ex money.

Don’t invite a woman for a romantic liaison and then ask her to pay the hotel bill – especially if you’re married. And remember to say you’re married upfront!

Don’t ask her what size dress she wears and then tell her your ex-wife wore a size four. She is, after all, your ex-wife.

Don’t talk about yourself for three hours and then encourage the woman you’re with to speak about herself if you are in the habit of interrupting after the second sentence.

Don’t tell me you divorced your wife because she strove desperately to be as smart as you (and, of course, didn’t succeed).

Don’t try to convert me if I say I’m not the least bit religious or belong to any organized religion. And especially don’t lecture me about the subject.

Don’t answer my questions with a long-winded lecture, especially if it is totally unrelated to the subject.

Don’t give a rundown of all your activities for the week and then pencil a woman in on the most undesirable day and time, especially after dating for several months. It’s obvious you want to keep the woman in her place, keep her guessing. It’s just another bad example of game-playing.

Don’t be afraid to be the real you, warts and all. It’s a turn on to many women.

Don’t call and say, “What night this week do we have a date? I forgot.”

Don’t say you can’t get involved in a relationship until your old mother dies (she might live to 110).

Don’t look away when a woman speaks to you.

Don’t play loud music or turn on the TV when she says we have to talk.

The next blog will detail the positives, the actions that make for great, fun relationships.

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 7:04 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Don’t break wind repeatedly during sex. Have the smarts to take Beano.

Don’t ejaculate in a woman’s mouth without asking permission.

Don’t jump all over a woman on a first date, and then insist that it’s your enthusiastic personality rather than annoyingly, overly aggressive advances.

Don’t kiss with a drippy nose.

Don’t have the TV on during sex. (Honestly!)

Don’t say in the middle of making love that you only take out women who are wild in bed. Why would anyone want to know that at a time like that?

Don’t talk about other women you have loved in your life immediately before or after making love.

Don’t talk about other women you are presently taking out immediately before or after making love. That’s enough to watch the door hit you on the ass on the way out.

Don’t idealize your dead wife or past loves, especially during foreplay.

Don’t feel free to open envelopes in your date’s home and read the contents without permission.

Don’t lie — especially about your children. No doubt, they are good kids without, ahem, embellishing. Once caught in any type of lie it's hard to earn back trust.

Don’t be emotionally unavailable. That means you attempt to talk about what’s inside your head and heart instead of insisting you’re a terrific guy with no problems, no issues and no self-exploration.

Don’t kiss a woman’s hand and then wipe your nose on her fingers as a joke. That wasn’t funny in elementary school and is not funny now.

Don’t belittle.

Don’t say the opposite just to be arbitrary. Contradict, disagree, even yell, but don’t be oppositional as a matter of habit.

Don’t announce that you left your stool softener at home when in the middle of a lovely dinner.

Don’t come an hour late without calling, especially when your date has cooked you dinner.

Don’t whine about everything -- such as minor physical ailments, your ex-wife and never about your mother.

Don’t tell a woman you’re dating that she ought to be grateful to you because you always take out much younger women.

Don’t be blind to life around you. Observe, participate and share.

Don’t lack a sense of humor. Dark humor is great – let yourself go.

Don’t give sarcastic jabs with a soft voice and say you didn’t mean anything hurtful because you didn’t yell.

Don’t say mean things or criticize and then say you were just being funny. When you’re funny at someone else’s expense, it’s nasty.

Don’t take a date to a casino for dinner, rush through dinner and drop her for two hours or more at the bar while you gamble. And don’t tell her she was or wasn’t your good luck charm.

Don’t drive away before she’s entered her apartment building, especially late at night.

Don’t suggest going out to eat when she’s in the middle of cooking dinner. You already know the answer. Why not just pitch in and enjoy yourself.

This is a partial list. In the next blog I’ll finish these negative suggestions, and then go through the positive behaviors that turn a woman on. Writing about the upbeat is more fun, anyway.

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 5:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I’d like to continue exploring what goes wrong in a marriage, but a bit more in-depth. We all know that the divorce rate is enormous. So, is it true that marriage ruins a good friendship? It’s not uncommon for couples to date or live together for a very long time, and then divorce shortly after getting married. What happens to expectations and romance when we put our signatures on that little piece of paper? We’ve all heard it said that getting married should be made extremely difficult while divorce should be easy.

I’ve quoted Harville Hendrix, Ph.D. before who wrote, Getting The Love You Want. I think much of what he says makes good sense. For starters he says, “It appears that each one of us is compulsively searching for a mate with a very particular set of positive and negative personality traits.”

Hendrix likes to refer to “new brain” and “old brain.” “Your new brain is the part of you that is conscious, alert, and in contact with your daily surroundings.” My own oversimplification of this theory is – the new brain is absorbing information, abstracting it and making logical conclusions.

And here’s something I quoted in the last blog that Hendrix said, “In sharp contrast to the new brain, you are unaware of most of the functions of your old brain. Trying to comprehend this part of your being is a maddening task, because you have to turn your conscious mind around to examine its own underbelly.”

I take this to mean that your “old brain” is your unconscious mind, a place few of us dare to enter. BUT, it is a necessary territory to explore if we want to have a good relationship.

Not many people can explain what comprises this mysterious thing called romantic chemistry. We do know that it overwhelmingly influences our choices in selecting mates, and determines the direction of our future. We go with it willingly because it pumps us up, makes us feel good. Is it to be trusted without question?

Helen Fisher, Ph.D., anthropologist and author of a notable book, Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love, has conducted a study to find out the chemistry of romantic love. She said in an interview dated February 4, 2004, “I wanted to put people who were madly in love into a brain scanner to see if I could find out which parts of the brain become active when someone feels romantic passion.”

This is one of the conclusions from the study: “We found activity in two very primitive brain regions, the ventral tegmental area and the caudate nucleus. Both are part of the brain’s “reward system” and are associated with focused attention and the motivation to win a reward. In fact, we discovered that dopamine, a powerful stimulant in the brain, is most likely central to the feeling of romantic love. And I suspect that we will some day discover that high levels of norepinephrine and low levels of serotonin are also involved.”

My basic interpretation is that an internal neon sign lights up, pointing to the person who has aroused our romantic chemistry. We are excited, stimulated and intensely aware of this person. Our senses are heightened. What more can you ask for? When this initial rush diminishes, as it inevitably does, you should be asking for a lot more.

So many times I’ve heard people say that their husband/wife reminds them of one or both of parents or guardians. If you had difficulty with your parents, you might be dragging all the old baggage into the present – and into the bedroom as well.

Hendrix address this issue like this: “Many people have a hard time accepting the idea that they have searched for partners who resembled their caretakers, positive traits – people who were, among other things, kind, loving, good-looking, intelligent and creative. In fact, if they had an unhappy childhood, they may have deliberately searched for people who were radically different from their caretakers.”

The unexamined unconscious may well play tricks on us. What seems to happen is that we can be attracted to people are not radically different from our caretakers. As Hendrix continues, “The part of your brain that directed your search for a mate, however, was not your logical, orderly new brain; it was your time-locked, myopic old brain. And what your old brain was trying to do was re-create the conditions of your upbringing, in order to correct them.” WOW!!

So, if we have not self-examined the past and how it affected our present-day behavior, we might be attracted to a mate with the worst negative traits that your caretaker had. You may well have duplicated your early childhood to get, in the present, what you missed getting as a child. Most times, your mate is unaware that he/she is being looked to as the rescuer. And, more than likely, your mate is doing the same thing to you. IT IS A RECIPE FOR DISASTER!

When this happens, very soon, two people are banging head. Neither is able to achieve the emotional fulfillment that they crave. Should we refuse to get married? I don’t think that’s necessarily the answer, but if two people decide marriage is not for them, that's perfectly fine. Tthey have made a conscious decision to work it out without the traditional trappings.

What we need to do is question and examine why we’re getting married and to whom? Why is this man/woman compelling. This person and your romantic chemistry must be examined with a fine tooth comb. After that, the two should discuss the conclusions each has come to. Since romantic chemistry can lead you astray and is very complex, you might choose to do this with a qualified therapist.

Partners must be honest about family backgrounds. I’m not saying reject someone if they’ve had an unhappy childhood. But you have to discover what those early traumas were in order to free yourself from trying to recreate and change them with a mate.

If we don’t approach marriage with good insight, the results may well be divorce or misery in a contentious relationship. The word divorce rolls out of our mouths easily, but is associated with enormous pain. It’s up there on the list as one of the most stressful life events – as painful as losing a loved one.

When considering a potential mate, we should ask a simple question. Why this one? Why is the attraction so strong for me? Selections have to be made with both the heart and the brain. After all, who wants to go to bed with someone who unconsciously reminds you of your parent/caretaker? That has to be the biggest turn-off, bigger than even, shall we say, older folks having sex. An explored inner life leads to the kind of maturity that gives a relationship a much better chance for happiness and great sex.

From the sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 10:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I knew this couple who had this long term sizzling affair going on although both were married to other people. Their so-called clandestine romance (most of their friends and acquaintances knew about it), had all the makings of a soap opera. They had decided not to leave their marriages for the sake of their children. Through the many years of their affair, they made it clear they longed for each other. The day finally arrived when the children grew up, and then both left their respective spouses shortly after that. Whenever I ran into the scorned wife, her eyes immediately filled with tears. I’m not sure she ever got over their breakup, but, in a way, she had her revenge.

Six months into the new marriage, I bumped into the lovers at a cocktail party. We chatted, and when the bride turned her attention elsewhere, the man leaned over and whispered, “I’d rate my second marriage a C minus.”

Well, you could have sponged me off the floor. I thought about that one for a long time, that is, until I happened on another restyled couple that I knew well. Unsolicited, the man leaned over and whispered something quite similar – “…first wife, second wife, hardly any difference.”

Now, I ask, “Is there something intrinsic in marriage that sets it up to fail over and over?” For instance, does the leap from lovers to married couple kill romance? How about those with a string of failed marriages? Are they choosing the same mate in a different disguise (usually younger for the men) over and over? We all know that marriages are failing at an alarming rate. It’s close to epidemic propotions. To add to the misery, many of the marriages that remain intact are unhappy.

I could go on with speculation (and you know I will), but at the end of the day, we all have to search for answers within ourselves. I strongly believe, it is the unexamined life that contributes most to destroying relationships. When intellect and emotions bump heads, emotions usually prevail.

The emotional component within ourselves is derived from early childhood – impressions of parents or guardians, outside mentors, movies, books, advertising – the list is unlimited. Everything we see or hear sends indelible messages to the brain. We come to adulthood with all this baggage that has been hard-wired into our brains.

For the most part, we are unaware of the impact of this vast array of input into our memory banks. It takes place in our unconscious or even semi-conscious minds. I liken it to the computer that even when you lose a document it is imprinted somewhere in the mysterious caverns of hard drives. It never goes away. We might recall flickers of information, we might not. All of this helps to form what we call “romantic chemistry.”

The unconscious can be a formidable foe in your personal life or even in your career. If we are very lucky and had a terrific childhood, our romantic chemistry can lead us up a wonderful path. If our upbringing was not so perfect (like the vast majority of us), then our romantic chemistry can lead us astray. Even with a happy childhood, there are a myriad of messages we’ve integrated into our unconscious that can be detrimental. Influences, such as society mores, peer pressure and advertising. Then there are the violent video games and dolls for little girls with unattainable physical proportions and exaggerated lifestyles.

Harville Hendrix, Ph.D, a pastoral counselor with more than thirty years’ experience as and educator and therapist, wrote, Getting The Love You Want. In his book, he refers to the old brain and the new brain. “In sharp contrast to the new brain, you are unaware of most of the functions of your old brain. Trying to comprehend this part of your being is a maddening task, because you have to turn your conscious mind around to examine its own underbelly.”

I believe we must make the effort to know ourselves, to examine our own behavior and attitudes. We must explore this mass of communications that has formed us. Would you give your money to a stranger who claimed to be a top notch investment advisor? Before you’d do that, you would investigate, question their track record and ask people who have used the service whether they’ve been successful. Allowing your unconscious, technically a stranger to you, to rule how you behave is irresponsible.

You have to investigate your own romantic track record – has it been successful? If you are involved with someone, have you ever asked them what is their opinion of your capacity to love? Ask yourself if you’ve ever found happiness in relationships. If you have been in multiple marriages/relationships, why are they failing? Are you choosing the same person in different disguises? Perhaps it’s because you’re living an emotionally unexamined life.

Why would you allow your unconscious to rule you? It’s an unknown commodity until you thoroughly explore it – both pros and cons. If you find you are stuck in a destructive groove, you can change it, but not until you discover the why!

I refuse to believe that familiarity, necessarily, breeds contempt. Familiarity is fertile ground to know your lover/mate/partner/spouse deeply, exposing one layer at a time until reaching the last and loneliest place within each and every one of us. Then, familiarity breeds adoration and love. When a soul mate touches that hidden place within us, it is a liberating and exhilarating experience. But, I strongly feel that it can only come by digging into the bedrock of our psyches, by understanding first, who we are. No one can make you happy. It has to come from within yourself!

Let me quote Hendrix again. “When you accept the limited nature of your perceptions and become more receptive to the truth of your partner’s perceptions, a whole world opens up to you.”

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 9:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Since each individual blog cannot fully deal with every aspect of a topic, I want to continue in the same vein as my last blog on sexuality. My underlying intent was to jump-start the physical, emotional and intellectual sensibilities using sexuality as springboard. This is important for all ages and especially mature folks. I think we all agree that what goes on in the bedroom often reflects what goes on in the relationship as a whole. When a couple discovers adventure, openness, concern and communication in lovemaking, it has a wonderful way of blending into all other interactions. A new awareness takes hold. There is a tendency to see each other more lovingly and with a playfulness that is free of tension.

If you leave the bedroom angry and/or frustrated, repressing your grievances, it bleeds into everything you do and say. Dissatisfaction renders each partner powerless in a way that translates into every action, word or activity. Both may feel a need to regain control and begin to measure every word, every gesture for hidden intent.

It’s not just about orgasms. Sharing the exploration of our psyches brings an understanding that touches the inner self that few of us ever reveal. It alleviates the emotional isolation deep inside we are all subject to.

One would think there would be little need to discuss how to have better sex in this world of extreme media hype and exposure to sexuality from every angle. Alas, for some reason there continues to be fear and denial of what constitutes a good sex life. Some people feel they have a perfectly good relationship and don’t need that kind of input. That may be true, but the flip side is they may never have asked their partners if they agree. It is easier to slip into a routine, thinking there is no need for communication. And what a loss it is to never really know the hidden person residing within our partner. Significant connections are lost. That is when we feel distanced and adrift from each other.

From the input I receive from people of all ages, my experiences and the frequent complaints therapists and marriage counselors receive, it strongly suggests that there is still much fear, distrust and dysfunction in the bedroom. Have you asked your partner lately, “Are you satisfied with our lovemaking and if not, tell me what you think is going wrong?” Do you dare?

About eight months after becoming widowed, I started the dating game. I must say, I was naïve in that I expected to soon find a loving, tender, insightful man. I was in for a rude awakening. This problem might be more prevalent with my generation. The socialization process we’ve gone through at an early age demands stereotypical roles for men and women. This mentality is a breeding ground for poor relationships and is manifested in the bedroom.

I’ve met a man or two attentive to my having an orgasm, but in a robotic way. A lot of the fun of sensuality is lost. The fear of being vulnerable – the capacity of both people to expose their fears, dreams, hopes and needs – leaves a hollow. Plumbing the depths of your partner’s emotional and inner world and exposing your own, will produce huge psychological rewards.

I have experienced relationships where a person is emotionally distanced. It leaves me feeling empty. For instance, I met a man who captured my interest and after two months of dating, we started a physical relationship. I assumed that lovemaking became the interlocking force in our relationship. We would be going steady and be loyal to each other. He quickly let me know that going to bed didn’t take our relationship up a notch, and he laughed at the outdated concept of limits on dating outside of our relationship.

I thought long and hard about it and decided to try to change my old-fashioned ways. Sex didn’t have to mean undying fealty, did it? I’m not seeking marriage at this later stage of life, and I didn’t want to have his baby!!! Why not have fun with this relationship, I told myself. The man had a certain charm and the evenings spent together were pleasant despite the edge of tension.

He was pleasant in bed and went through the right motions, but I found him to be emotionally disconnected. After another three months I realized that the emotional disengagement contributed to his commitment phobia. It became unbearable. So, there it was – we had okay times without much depth – decent sex but not connected or enchanting. The physical act itself produced a superficial relationship fraught with distrust. The mechanical performance in the bedroom could not produce real intimacy.

As I got my footing in the single world, I did learn to avoid the disconnected ones that I ran into more times than not. The scenario goes something like this:

He’ll talk for two to three hours about himself, and, truthfully, I am interested in what people have to say about their own lives, particularly about why they’re divorced or never married or other personal tidbits. Finally, he’ll look up at me and say, “Man, I’ve been talking about myself so long. Tell me about yourself. What do you do?”

“I’m a writer and…”

“Hey, my cousin, Jake, is a writer. He’s written as script for a Hollywood movie.
He says I ought to write Hollywood scripts. I’ve really had an interesting life. You can edit my script. You’d be amazed at my experiences. And they really happened to me. Want to read some of the pages I’ve written?”

“Well…sure.”

“What kind of writing do you do?” he’ll ask.

“I’m a fiction writer, and...”

“I never read fiction.” At this point, he’ll glance around the restaurant. “Do you write anything else?”

“Well…”

“Say, I think I know that woman sitting in the corner. Used to go out with her.”

And so the evening goes until I can find a good time to exit. That’s when I’m grateful I drove myself.

I only wish I had the ability to plug everyone into an outlet that charged us ALL with sensitivity, compassion, nurturing. And maybe there might be another outlet that gave us a willingness to explore our own behavior and unconscious world. I think then we’d be on our way to many, many more great relationships.

The sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 5:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I was recently asked to do a workshop on erotica. At first, I thought, a piece of cake. All I needed to do is tell the participants – touch me there and how about there. Oh, yes, baby! Let's get it on. Then I backed up and gave the challenge a more in-depth exploration. There are so many nuances wrapped up in sexual experiences that can make it stunning or spell disaster to a relationship. It's very tempting to concentrate on the physical when doing a workshop on erotica. But if a couple comes to the act with hidden agendas that are not verbalized (and most times they do), the stage is set for contention. How people make love tells reams about how they function in everyday living. I felt it necessary to deal with all issues.

When I mentioned the complications of doing a workshop on erotica to a much younger, male friend he reminded me that “…men are more into the physical and women into the build-up.” That took me back for a minute. I had begun to believe that today, with all the in-your-face hype about sex, there would be no secret as to glories of delectable, sensual foreplay. I would have sworn that wham-bam sex was definitely on the way out even though some recent experiences spoke to the contrary.

I think of sex as more of a learning experience. Spontaneity is fine, but many times it's not dependable. With some forethought, men and women benefit by experimentation and making new discoveries. Go to your local bookstore and the shelves are filled with how-to-do-it-better books. Movies are replete with tender, exciting love scenes where couples virtually kiss every part of their oiled bodies before passionately devouring each other (I watch with my tongue hanging out).

Cleavage is everywhere. Tight skimpy clothing on men and women exudes sensuality. We see lots of skin, underwear and butt cracks. We are bombarded by sexuality at every turn. So why is there so much dissatisfaction inside the boudoir? And what is the distinction between the sexual needs of men and women? It is inconceivable to me that both genders are not on the same track beneath the early wiring of poor socialization.

In the book, The New Male Sexuality by the psychologist, Bernie Zilbergeld, PhD, (revised trade paperback edition, 1999), he said, “Nonetheless, we men have a lot to gain from taking greater control over our lives. We don't have to be at the mercy of our genitals or hormones or traditional sex roles we were brought up on. We don't have to forgo the incredible benefits of truly loving relationships. We don't have to put up with boring, joyless, or dysfunctional sex.” In the 1970's, Dr. Zilbergeld was one of the original directors of clinical training in the innovative Human Sexuality Program of the University of California at San Francisco Medical School.

Sometimes when I feel like a wisecracking jerk I'll say, “There are no frigid women, only bad lovers.” Can this be true? Are we back to the men are from Mars and women from Venus bugaboo? Many men are still alarmed by sexually aggressive women. Some surveys suggest that, overall, men prefer a partner that is sexually lukewarm (although he might fantasize about someone ravishing him). Many women complain that men are unwilling to participate in foreplay, and if they do, it is done robotically.

On the other hand, women are sometimes confounded by men who demonstrate a sensitivity normally reserved for females. Yet, without this sensitivity men are clueless and distanced, unable to understand what a women needs.

I believe that the lack emotionality is at the center of difficulties between men and women, whether sexual or in other areas. If you don't deal on a psychological level, you are left with only the physical act that usually produces an orgasm for the male and, more frequently, not for the female. This invites women to fake an orgasm rather than deal with the issues, and dissatisfaction is in motion.

Anne Hooper's book, Ultimate Sex (new edition, 2001), contains photographs and ideas that have been derived from the author's experience as a sexual and marital therapist. In the book she said, “In an ideal world, men would recognize and be sensitive to the sexual needs of their partners and would do their best to ensure that these needs were met. But men are often unaware that their partners are not getting true sexual fulfillment. They don't notice it, and their partners are too shy, or for some reason reluctant to raise the subject.”

In my investigation on the subject, I went to the section on erotica and sexuality in a local bookstore. The illustrations, photographs and descriptions couldn't be more graphic or explicit – and, to tell the truth, I found them quite exciting. There is stroking, touching, massaging, mutual masturbation, kissing areas of high arousal, G spots, erogenous zones, oral sex, various positions and interesting points of penetration. When contemplating making love, the mood may be set with candles, incense, bubble baths, champagne and, taking it one step further, lathering in chocolate sauce (or whatever you prefer). It's important to involve all the senses.

A common theme runs through many of the books on eroticism – releasing inhibitions and developing creativity in the bedroom. This happens more easily when you understand the basics, are willing to dig into the bedrock of your psyche and be concerned about your partner. Then, the possibilities for pleasure are unlimited.

Therapists tell me that men frequently complain they don't get enough sex. They become angry with their partners when their demands are not met. The word frigid comes up. Women complain that men just want to get into the act immediately. I wonder if men aren't unconsciously defeating themselves by this attitude and don't want sex as much as they claim they do. Lack of foreplay is a setup for rejection or indifference during the act. If women give into this lackluster kind of sex to prevent confrontations, they become enablers. Both men and women need to earn precious moments of sizzling intimacy. How is this accomplished?

Communication! For starters, read books on sex together just for the hell of it. The voluptuous illustrations and photography affords a pretty damn good beginning. Fucking with your mind first leads to the kind of excitement and ultimate climax that is far more satisfying then a perfunctory sexual encounter. Sex is one of the most significant ways for adults to play. Make sex play dates with your mate. It's perfectly fine to plan these sessions rather than depend on impulse. Discuss what you like and don't like and do it. Make it fun!

Anne Hooper in Ultimate Sex goes on to say, “Intimacy is a quality that grows through a sharing of feelings; it heightens all aspects of the relationship and is the main ingredient responsible for turning sex into an ecstatic experience as opposed to a pleasurable but uninspiring one.”

Women, tell your partners what you like. Men, accommodate these needs and do it with feeling and sincerity! Of course, men should expect the same. With some effort, you will be rewarded with the luscious sensuality of naked skin to naked skin.

From the sexy Grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

A mature VAMP is a VOLUPTUOUS, ATTRACTIVE, MATURE POWERHOUSE!

If you don't imagine yourself that way, start computing those thoughts into your brain, and you'll be shocked at how you can make it come true. Stop dragging the past with you and put yourself smack into the present. Live the moment. As I got older I noticed I was dragging a ragged bundle from the past behind me – kind of like a pacifier. Change seemed too scary. Somewhere along the line, I did a metamorphosis. I got more daring in my travel, making new friendships, and visiting grittier places than I ordinarily might have. I got a bit trendier in my dress, wore more skirts, showed some leg and whatever little cleavage I had. A bit of exotic perfume, a touch of makeup, and I was off and running. I know this helped to change my inner self into thinking more like a VAMP. It garnered some attention, but more importantly, I liked my new image. Miracles are possible.

Mature VAMPS, the time has come to take control of your life. Stop bemoaning what people say about you and trying to mold yourself to what's proper. Flaunt what you've got and imagine you have what you don't. It will come through to others that you believe in yourself. People will respond to this new, free spirit.

I don't care what age you are. If you think strictly within traditional confines of behavior, you will stay that way and not become a VAMP. VAMPing can manifest in many different areas such as expressing your hidden, inner self, laughing at yourself, seeking new adventures and discovering insights and behaviors that defy traditions. Express yourself in new ways without fearing what people will say. Will your tombstone say you followed every rule, whether sensible or applicable to you, and you were applauded for that? How boring to go to your grave without having experienced meeting new and different people or seeing first hand a sub-culture you have only read about. Taste the forbidden.

At any age, and especially at an advanced age, we have to make every moment count. You go to the gym and workout unmercifully? Well, here too, you have to discipline yourself to stop thinking within narrow parameters and break out. We have been molded as women to think of ourselves within defined behavioral patterns – demure, lady-like nurturers, slinking in the shadows of men. Many people criticize anything that deviates from what they determine is acceptable. By confining our thoughts and actions in order to be accepted, we become stilted, humorless and predictable and often tend to define ourselves by what men want. Our sense of adventure, of exploring new vistas dies. I now refuse to listen to those edicts demanded by society. I try to make my own rules as I go along within reason. This is after all, The Age of Reasonable Doubt.

Mature single women might be more vulnerable than men to not making waves. They are looked at askance for living alone. Take heart. Things are changing for singles. According to the US Census Bureau in the 1950's married couples were 80 percent of all households. Today, married couples comprise 50.7 percent of households. Forty-two percent of unmarried Americans make up the workforce, forty percent of home buyers, and thirty-five percent of voters. And, it appears that there is much more personal satisfaction in the lives of singles than ever before – especially for women.

Women are now more financially independent, frequently own their homes and may opt to be single parents. Although more men seem to prefer to be married, women are more hesitant. Too often they encounter the bachelor who took care of himself for many years and suddenly loses all of those skills when he signs the marriage certificate. Women are more likely to refuse to take on most of the domestic responsibility just because they married or are living with a man. They are aware that, many times, emotional changes take place and different expectations occur in a marriage (Those underlying reasons are grist for another blog). We need only to look at our alarming divorce rate!

Society still sends signals that a woman is only half a person if she is single. Despite that, many women have filled their lives with meaningful careers and activities that they truly enjoy. They seek and find new and important friendships. Desperation to be coupled is not driving women as it once did. Pairing is welcomed only when it promises to be a good and will add something worthwhile to a woman's life. She has too much to lose.

An article in Psychology Today May/June 2006 dealt with many of these issues. The article culled various authorities for their take on the new singledom, Stephanie Coontz, social historian and Bella DePaulo a professor at University of Virginia, and sociologist, E. Kay Trimberger, to name a few, added their insights. My overall impression of the article is that singles are not, by and large, dissatisfied but that they still had a hard time fighting the myths that plague them – being single equates to unhappiness. And they stress that people must fight against the stereotyped single image that dogs us from another era. Being single can offer the same satisfaction as being coupled but with the added feature of being free and unencumbered.

So, if you're not coupled and you have a fulfilled life what about sex? If you're reluctant to have casual sex with someone you don't know very well, think about this. The young have a saying – friends with benefits. I interpret that to mean, you develop a sexual relationship with a good friend whom you aren't madly in love with but like a lot. I personally have always felt the need for the passionate, searing one-on-one relationship. In my generation, this might be totally unrealistic (although I hope not). Perhaps we can take a lesson from a younger generation and stop yearning for that special lover to sweep into our lives. Why not be satisfied to have sex with a friend – not scorching sizzle but comfortable? Maybe even sex with several friends, if you can handle it.

Men seem to have multiple sex partners without the slightest bit of guilt. After becoming a widow I started dating four years ago, I saw a man for about three months before we became intimate. Once we did, I thought, aha! In my mind, we'd moved to a new plateau. I assumed sex became the interlocking force in our relationship. Naturally, we'd be an item and loyal to each other. And then I woke up. He quickly let me know that going to bed did not move our relationship up a notch, and he thought we should date others. I admit to being naïve. I even continued seeing him and gave it a shot – the new, modern woman. But after a while, I felt too much tension between us. I soon discovered he wasn't the good a friend I thought him to be. I got out. What I realized is that men of my generation have difficulty being good friends with women because, in their minds, it diminishes their masculinity.

Harriet Nelson, MSW, LCSW, a psychotherapist in Cherry Hill, NJ, took another point of view – friends without benefits. She referred to a growing trend of male/female roommates without sex. Good emotional ties can develop and friendships deepen in these situations. Although the physical aspects are not there, many other needs are satisfied.

Now I want to rethink this – friends with benefits concept. It's not for everyone, but the idea has merit. All I have to do is find that good friend!

From the sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 11:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

What has the women's liberation movement of the sixties got to do with mature relationships? In my opinion, everything. Lately, I've been wondering about what happened to the march toward equality between the sexes. For some time now, the momentum of that movement has been slowed drastically.

There was an article in The New York Times, December 24, 2006, entitled, Gender Pay Gap, Once Narrowing, Is Stuck in Place. “Women in the ‘90's earned more than 75 cents for every dollar in hourly pay than men did, up from 65 cents just 15 years earlier.”

The article went on to say that for college educated women, a slightly widening chasm has developed between their incomes and those of men with comparable educational status. “Last year, college-educated women between the ages of 36 and 45 years old earned 74.7 cents in hourly pay for every dollar that men in the same group did, according to Labor Department data analyzed by the Economic Policy Institute. A decade earlier, the women earned 75.7 cents.”

The University of Maryland also has an article relating to the same issues (last updated on October 10, 2006) entitled, End of the Gender Revolution? They address concerns that gender egalitarian trends has become stymied, cutting across class, race, geographic, political lines. It has impacted on all women in this country. Women gained in the last quarter of the twentieth century – in areas of pay, greater equalizing of gender roles, in the political arena and in positions previously dominated by males, etc. However, there was a slowdown or even backpedaling that occurred somewhere in the mid-1990's to the present.

Yes, more women are choosing to stay home to raise children because the burden of being major caretakers of the family is overwhelming. That becomes a huge handicap to reentering the workforce when children are more self-sufficient. Employers are reluctant to hire those with big gaps in their work history. No credit is given to the enormous task of raising children. Men with families climb the ladder of success with greater ease than women because women are taking on the main thrust of domestic responsibility

So many times I've heard a man say that his wife just has to remind him to do his part of household duties. And if he has to be told several times, so what? The problem is she becomes a nag, maybe even like his mother, and how can romance coexist with a nagging mother? This becomes a setup for disaster.

Although much has changed, men, overall, still do not share equally in domestic tasks. Take for instance the man who complained to his hard-working wife when she returned home from work at 9PM that he had to wear swim trunks for underwear because she didn't do the wash. He had been home for hours.

It wasn't only the outcry from men about women's liberations that helped create the stagnation. I believe women became frightened at the chorus of disapproval against the push for equality. Images of the vocal women's libber described her as too masculine and overbearing. Being stripped of their femininity clashed with how women were wired -- to be submissive and demure, especially in my generation. With public sentiment running against the movement, women backed away from demanding full rights. Our society validates the tenacity of men fighting for a cause, even makes them heroes, but labels women who do the same as ball-breaking bitches.

The glass ceiling is firmly in place. Take medicine for instance. Approximately 40% of medical students are women. But when it comes to the highest paid specialists or top departmental positions, men are well in the majority. This disparity is especially prevalent in top positions in the investment world, corporate heads, mutual funds and high technology. In law, although approximately 50% of the students are women, only 16% are partners in firms.

This is what I'm suggesting to get the ball rolling again. We now have an older segment of society with drive, energy, time and better health than ever before. Younger women, struggling with family issues and full-time careers have little energy left to fight for causes. We oldies should make the effort to tear down rigid roles for men and women.

I call for a new organization, called MEOW – Mature Empowering of Women! Much of the old perceived militancy is gone from the new name, MEOW, but none of the objectives. What man can resist a women purring in his ear, MEOW? Men crumble at anything hinting of sex. So, we'll pander to fragile egos. The goal will be to achieve equality. That's what's important. But, we have to leave out bra burning this time around. Not recommended for older women.

This is what older women should push for (and I invite men to join if we can dislodge them from under their rocks):

1. Government day-care programs throughout the country.
2. Legal firms and hospitals offering child care on the premises so that female medical residents can specialize in areas that require more time and study and female lawyers can get on the partnership track. The same applies to big corporations.
3. Equal participation between men and women in domestic responsibilities.
4. Allowing more women to enter jobs and territories usually reserved for males.
5. Programs put in place that aid women in retraining in order to bring them up-to-date when reentering the job market after a long absence.
6. Programs for young children aimed at eradicating the artificial barriers between the sexes.
7. Programs for leaders in industry, medicine, law, teaching etc., demonstrating how they subtly discriminate against women, often unconsciously, and how to eliminate it.

Equality extends into the realm of personal relationships for couples of all ages. Once the element of male entitlement is removed, a more honest exchange of ideas can flourish. A greater openness between the sexes may be one of the greatest benefits to reviving the women's movement. Women feel put upon when stuck with two careers – working full-time and in charge of the family, the domestic goddess, if you will. This is not a good atmosphere for romance. One study showed that those men who participate fully with their partners have better and more frequent sex and less tension between them. Sadly, men don't realize (or they do but refuse to process), that if a woman is emotionally and physically supported, an atmosphere of sensuality is created. Warmth bubbles over.

Taking this one step further, don't forget, mature women have the right to ask a partner to please them sexually. No more faked orgasms or fear of making demands. In return, you'll be more than willing to please your man beyond his wildest dreams. Total equality means women are entitled to erotic pleasures, too. We older women have to raise our voices – oops. I mean purr in protest without worrying about censure. To hell with the restrictions imposed by society. Let your fantasies rip away and share them with him.

Instead of living our lives around men, break out of that orbit and find your own niche. Center around your own wants and needs and take the little guy along if he really wants to go. If he goes along for the ride, he'll be adored and respected.

If we all contribute our energies to empowering women of all ages, think about the great lives awaiting your daughters, granddaughters and great-granddaughters. On the other side of it, sensitizing sons, grandsons and great-grandsons, will allow boys to grow into men that will have better relationships and understanding as adults. Males will be brain-wired from an early age so that it will be easy to participate emotionally with a woman. Once this occurs, the need for MEOW's will be eliminated. As a matter of fact, men will be so much happier they will be the ones insisting that women be treated no differently from themselves. No, I'm not on LSD!

From the sexy grandmom

Posted by Fran Metzman at 6:39 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

The post-holiday season got me into a contemplative mood. After the rush and noise of Christmas shopping, a hush descended on me as I drove through virtually deserted streets on December 25. The quiet and lack of immediate demands gave me a few moments to let my imagination run wild.

I began to think about the concept of my last Blog – do women really want sensitive men, those special men who are in touch with their feminine side? Or, are women unconsciously repelled by the very same qualities they say they need? Then I thought, Santa Claus appears to be a sensitive man. He's a philanthropist of the highest order. He is applauded around the world and never even took an income tax break for charity.

So, I thought, what if Santa came into a bar where the older set hangs out and sat next to me? How would I react? Here's the picture:

I'm sitting in an upscale bar in Center City Philadelphia. The bar is made of carved oak with a black marble counter top. I'm looking at brightly lit glass shelving holding top-drawer bottles of liquor. It's the day after Christmas so it's quiet. I'm drinking an icy vodka martini and chilling out. A man, two seats down, is staring at me. I give him a small smile. He moves over and sits next to me.

“Want to buy me a drink, sweetheart?” he asks.

“Not really.” I say.

“Just kidding.” He looks up. “Hey, barkeep, give this nice lady another, whatever she's drinking.”

I look over at this brash man who didn't even ask me if I wanted another drink and find his appearance pleasing. He's wearing a navy, cable knit sweater and tan slacks. His salt and pepper hair is cut short, but several strands sweep over a high forehead. His nose is large but quite appropriate for his tall, thick size. He's solidly built and in his early sixties.

“I'm Jimmy.”

He extends his hand, and I shake it. It is cool and smooth to the touch, not a hand that belongs to a manual worker. It's how I picture Jimmy to be – plastic. “Okay. Are you married or otherwise engaged?” I ask

“Nope. Been there, done that and have given it up for Lent. Just want to have fun now.”

At least he's honest. Do I dare sound corny and tell him that I've been there, too, but want to have a committed relationship? I decide to keep quiet.

“You're a pleasant looking lass, he says peering down my v-neckline at my cleavage. Well, can't say I didn't wear this outfit deliberately. We're smack in the era of cleavage and skin showing. I am much too old to do the hip-skin thing, but a little cleavage works wonders. Oh, why are men so simplistic?

“Do you know why your marriage or marriages didn't last?” I ask.

“If you want to count that I wasn't home much because I'm a workaholic and when I was around I watched sports on TV, you might count that against me. What man doesn't do that? I just didn't get the woman who would tolerate that? But I'm not changing.”

“Did you enjoy intimacy? Were you a good listener and give your wife quality time when you were together?”

“Hey, that's chick stuff. I'm sure I was a good husband. I'm not good with domestic stuff. As I provider, I did the best and loved my kids. Isn't that enough?” He shook his head. “Look, if you want to have fun, I'm your guy. I'm good in the sack.”

So, I'm face to face with a man who has the bad boy syndrome, and, I must say, it has some appeal. Why not be carefree and enjoy every second? No strings attached. Hey, next year arthritis might get me or some other damned illness.

Thudding footsteps sound behind me. I turn. Santa Claus is standing in the middle of the marble floor, removing his big, white mittens. He walks over and sits next to me.

“Can I buy you a drink?” He asks. His beard had several tiny icicles hanging from it.

“Sure, Santa. What are you doing here?”

“No one is home. I haven't publicized it because it will upset millions of children, but Mrs. Claus passed away last year. The elves have gone to visit with their own families. I'm lonely.”

“Santa, you're a super star. Thousands of people would invite you to dinner.” Jimmy, seemingly not surprised by Santa's presence, moves away and sits next to an attractive woman.

“It's one of those oddities. You see, because I was busy pleasing everyone, I never developed close relationships. Children love me, parents love me, but with limits. It's sweet and pleasant, but I'm not really an integral part of their lives.”

The bartender delivers the drinks. Santa had ordered a mint martini. We click glasses.

“I realize since my wife died I was remiss in our relationship. I used my enormous fame and generosity as a ploy to keep from getting close to her emotionally. We only talked about my work and the stresses that go with it. My wife complained that I didn't listen to her, but that used to make me angry. I insisted that making toys for children superseded her demands for attention. So many people depend on me.” His expression turns weary. “It's only since she's gone that I see how I feared love because it would make me vulnerable. The woman of my life meant so much to me, gave me everything within her capacity. I cut her off so that I might devote myself to the world. Giving my all to others was easier than working on my marriage with the one person who mattered most in my life.”

I finish my drink, grab his unfinished cocktail and down that quickly. Was this real? Or was I having a psychotic episode? I admit to being a bit strung out from guzzling bourbon eggnogs yesterday, but this was beyond hallucinating.

“I opened up to one woman since my dear wife's passing,” Santa continues. “She had champagne waiting for me when I came down her chimney. She'd heard about Mrs. Claus' demise and thought we'd get along. I poured my heart out, telling her that I'd reevaluated my life and knew I'd missed so much in the pursuit of success. I wanted to change now, discover who I really was under this hand-tailored, red suit. I wanted to discover poetry and learn to cook. I let myself cry in front of her, told her how upsetting it was to always act strong even when I don't feel it. I lived in constant fear someone might not like me and became the epitome of a crowd pleaser. I want to be off of all those greeting cards. I would willingly trade my celebrity for obscurity if I could fine a passionate love interest.

“Suddenly, this woman got a look of horror and said she had always suspected my relationship with the elves and was I having an affair with one of them? That did it. With a clatter, I zipped back up the chimney. As I sailed through the air in my sleigh, I decided that I wouldn't let her attitude stop me from seeking answers within myself. Somewhere, a woman exists who truly wants a sensitive man. I'll search even if I have to miss next Christmas.” He sighs and his blue eyes get a mischievous twinkle. “When I first saw you, I thought you might be that kind of woman.”

I look over at Jimmy. He sits alone now, gives me a big smile and a small wave.

I stare at Santa, little beads of water from melted icicles cling to his brilliantly, white beard.

“I'd love for you to dance through life with me until the music stops,” he says

Or my tits fall off – whichever comes first. I say a little prayer in hopes that Santa is a vegetarian. Then I remember his fondness for his pet reindeers. “Santa, do you want to come back to my place?”

Posted by Fran Metzman at 3:26 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Men have roles thrust upon them by society. Call it the John Wayne syndrome; avoidance of chick flicks, disdain of inner reflection, keeping emotions in check, using sexual conquests as power, exhibiting fearlessness and obsessing over sports. A man who displays too much emotion is called a wimp. Yet, the manliest men I know are capable of being vulnerable in their relationships and break the role taboos imposed upon them. Agreed, that type of male is certainly not in the majority, but they are out there.

I dare say, the men who step out of the prescribed tough-guy image are braver and, generally have better relationships – and better sex lives, to boot. Women who truly relish that type of male respond in kind. Then there is the woman who says she wants this open, honest man who exposes his innermost feelings, but in reality she can't handle it. Although she, too, is a victim of brainwashing of stereotypocal roles, she sends the man signals that she cannot tolerate his sissy behavior. In response, some men emotionally distance themselves. These issues go to the heart of difficulties within relationships.

The image of the beer guzzling, couch potato, swaggering, sports addicted, non-responsive mate has been fodder for comedians and humor writers. It is not funny! Married men brag about their extra-marital affairs, even if they don't have one going on. Conversations about sexual prowess are a badge of honor in the locker room. Women, on the other hand, say they want emotional support, quality listening, and a connection with their mate yet, can be repelled by the really nice, sensitive male.

Women who tend to be needy are even more demanding of their men. They want them strong, decisive and unflinching – never making a wrong move. It chills them to hear the man reveal his deepest fears and insecurities.

The most frequent lament from women is the difficulty in finding a responsive, caring, loving man. A man who can cry, read poetry, send flowers, react when a story is sad and even kiss their hand in public is their fervent wish.

I have to wonder if, deep down, this is really what they really want? Some sincerely do, while many others have the macho man image wired into their brains and, as a result, give off mixed signals to men. Women have to take some responsibility for perpetuating these male images that destroy relationships. An evolved man said to me recently, “Women want a sensitive man up to a point.” I think, for the most part, he's on target.

I have heard women of all ages question the sexual preferences of men who are too sensitive, even women who are highly intelligent and non-traditional. How many sweet, attentive guys are heroes in books and movies? Would Hollywood ever select a Mr. Rogers type to play the action/tough-talking roles that Bruce Willis or Sylvester Stallone portray? What's wrong with showing male heroes as a heterosexuals who expose their feminine side and can also do a car chase?

This divide between men and women drives them apart or makes for an uneasy alliance. It is easier for men to watch umpteen hours of escapist football, and to be disengaged rather than deal with confounding issues. Men and women must thoroughly self-examine themselves to know exactly what they want from the other and then set out to achieve it.

I think we need a new way of thinking, and it has to start in early childhood. The best time for molding minds into becoming creative, intelligent adults is in the pre-school through third grades. If they are infused with the three R's, books, language skills, story telling, uninhibited art skills and a myriad of other activities, they have an excellent chance of continuing growth and mind expansion throughout life. So, too, this is the best time to introduce the acceptance of intermixing roles for both sexes. Children can learn to breakdown the barriers of predetermined conduct.

Men and women are raised from birth to behave and react differently. We tend to be tougher on boys that cry than girls. We're terrified when little boys play with dolls. Boys are given a sense of entitlement and women are told to be nurturers. I speak not just about an older era, but to the continuing blind spot in child rearing. It is somewhat better than it once was, but it still exits in a more subtle form these days. Parents swear they make the effort to avoid gender differentiation. I believe them. But this attitude is institutionalized and insidious. Teachers, even avowed feminists, will let little boys misbehave or tolerate rudeness more than they will with girls without realizing it.

As I said many times before, I don't believe men are from Mars and women from Venus. If we accept this, we are doomed to continue the high volume of divorces. Partners must dare to step into each others worlds. And you guys who are always complaining about your wives getting headaches, I know this change will improve your sex life. Minds in synch make great foreplay.

From the sexy grandmother

Posted by Fran Metzman at 12:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

BLOW JOBS! So there I've said it aloud. One night I might indulge in wild, intoxicating, sultry romance and the next day visit the grandchildren. These diverse events, don't stop me from from bringing children's books, DVD's and having sweet, delicious conversations with the little tykes. Like younger generations, I, as an older woman, can compartmentalize my activities, and sex has its own enticing section in my life.

The prejudice directed against the elderly who indulge in sexuality is especially pronounced when it comes to single grandmothers. The fact that she can have another life that might take her into darkened bedrooms, sensual touches in forbibben places, incense, candles and oiled bodies is fairly abhorrent among younger people -- even among some of my contemporaries. Sometimes when I talk about about eroticism, I'm labeled as a horny, frustrated woman who needs a good lay. Well, who wouldn't like a good lay with the emphasis on the word good?

If you want me to act age appropriate, I can't because I don't know what that means. A big culprit to older people acting "groovy" is society's demand for designated behaviors. A friend of mine who teaches at a prominent local university had an interesting reaction from his freshman students to older people having sex. My friend is forty-four and just about the age of the parents of the students. For the most part, the students didn't believe their parents indulged in sex (forget about oral sex). It blew him away.

What are the reasons for this? For a long time, older people didn't talk about sexual issues even if they indulged. It wasn't considered polite, to say the least. And so, as people aged, they aided in creating an image of a sexless existence.

In my view a big contributor to this incorrect myth of the sexless older person is "tradition." It acts as a narrow interpretation of how to behave. There is always this fear of "stepping-out-of-line." People tend to congregate and set-up what's appropriate and what is not and then spoon feed this to like-minded others.

For our basic mode of behavior, the Ten Commandments say it all. But the parts of tradition that hinder mind-growth are those that dictate; what is an acceptable career, modes of dress, body types, prescribed gender roles, gender choices, age appropriateness, religious beliefs and general comportment, and the list goes on. To follow these dictates takes a lot of energy. To assure we do not stray from those prescribed boundaries absorbs much of our attention. In other words, we are so busy presenting an acceptable image to the world, we neglect to develop our creativity and sense of adventure. We rubberstamp each other to the point of being terrified of self-examination which leads to brain death and a lack of a sense of humor.

Why not seek a lifestyle that feels right to you and is open to new ideas? In truth, a free-wheeling approach may make the individual vulnerable when they have exposed who they really are inside. You become the same person behind closed doors or in front of people. Few are willing to take this risk because it opens them up to criticism from the followers of a defined set of behavior. Those people can be awfully judgmental. It takes courage to go against the tide of opinion because the punishment can be ostracism.

Why not be tolerant or amused by an older person using colorful language, dressing and acting out of character. I've reached a point in life where it's time to dislodge my repression. I've held my emotions in check, my desires buried too long. Why is it inappropriate for a mature person to say blow job, going down or fuck me? It doesn't mean I've gone senile. It means I'm a robust, lusty creature -- just like you younger folk.

I advise you all to get out there, no matter what age and not give a damn about the notoriety sure to follow by simply opening your mind, your heart and your intellect about any topic that pleases you. Go to the edge and talk about subjects that make you uncomfortable. Think outside the prescribed box. Show no fear or shame. Kick ass!!

By the way, I welcome responses, questions, disagreement or curse directed to my blog address.

So long from the sexy grandmom.

Posted by Fran Metzman at 8:31 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

First let me introduce myself. I'm well into the menopausal arena. As a woman in excellent health (knock wood), widowed and into my sixties I've had the luxury of being an observer and participant of the dating scene. With the lessening of responsibilities (unattached and have grown, independent children), new vistas have opened up and I find myself with an enormous burst of energy despite the fact I am a full-time writer and still play aggressive tennis. In some odd way, I think I even look better. I have the time to tend to my appearance or maybe it's the confidence that develops with having experienced and gotten past many ups and downs. I can be myself without worrying about who will like me. Good friends will appreciate me and those who don't, well, so be it.

Back in the late sixties and seventies I lived a typical suburban lifestyle with a traditional husband and young children. Along came Woodstock and hippies that contrasted sharply with conventional marriage. Betty Friedan and Gloria Steinham hit the ground running, sweeping aside customs once taken for granted. Women either ducked or sat up and listened. Men either laughed (most) or paid lip service.

I took the dawning of women's lib seriously, straddling two diverse worlds -- suburbia USA versus worldwide unfair treatment of women. Back then, women's liberation went head to head with magazines of that era — values of never beating your man at tennis or outshining him in math. Even with all that hype, no one seemed to address the needs and desires of mature women. That seemed shoved to the background. Today there is much more attention paid to older generations of women in literature, scientific research, cosmetics and media. The woman of sixty today is compared to the yesteryear woman of forty. I recently saw a wonderful cartoon in the New Yorker and I'll paraphrase it. Two beautiful, long-haired extremely well-built women were frolicking in the surf. One turned to the other and said something like ... did you ever think eighty would be so much fun?

Women of all ages desire romance. I believe half of books sold are romance. Older women might even have a leg up in pursuing romance because they're free of so much domestic responsibity. So, with this insight, I set out to search for the "holy male." I've learned a lot in the last couple of years -- some good some bad.

I've come face-to-face with the myth that, considering my age, I should put my sexuality to rest and act age appropriate. Instead, I have found a hot mama lurking within, a woman ripe for sensualtiy. But with few gathering bars for older women, older men on the internet looking for thirty year-olds, men seeking the best homemaker, and those who remained in a narrow groove of tradition, the choices for meeting up with a compatible partner are difficult. Choices? I could become a hooker, plying the dangerous streets of 55 plus-gated communities. The danger of that is, having to listen to conversations about cholesterol, blood pressure and cataracts. So, I still search for a sexy, intelligent, sensitive soulmate. It is as difficult as going on an archeological dig in remote hinterlands.

In my experience and interviewing, I have found the same problems exist with a younger population of women -- especially those in the thirties to late forties plus category. What is it that prevents great relationships, by and large? I don't buy the bull about men are from Mars and women from Venus. We're simply socialized differently. Men are generally expected to get careers and it's implied if not told directly that sensitivity is sissy stuff. (Hence, the fascination with the violence of football). But society expects women to be the nuturers. Although, with many women in careers now, there is some shifting of responsibities, but, in my overall experiences, the changes are not great. What could be more of a libido killer than a woman who works as hard as her mate, but feels put upon for most of the domestic responsibilities and child care?

Now, with a big population of mature women beyond these issues, we are hot and ready. But older men tend to be less considerate lovers due past expectations. But when they're good, they're very good. Using sex toys is fun at any age, especially if there's sexual dysfunction. Older women can still lubricate and, if not, there's help. The beauty of sex for the mature woman is having choices. Do I want sex frequently, discreetly, infrequently, go round heeled with multiple sex partners or abstain. IThere are few reprecussions for us -- we're not cheating on a mate nor are there are societal recriminations because what older people do sexually hardly causes a ripple.

Although, picturing your mother or the grandmother of your children having sex, especially oral sex, might sound disgusting to many people but get over it. It's a fact of life. There don't seem to be a limited number of orgasms in a lifetime that get used up by the time we're fifty. It seems to be an ongoing physical quality -- thank goodness.

So, sex for the mature women is a given. But I find it a struggle to make an emotional connection with a guy. Many men of my generation seem emotionally disengaged. Exposing the deep folds within ourselves that hide our fears, desires and who we really are seem too difficult a task for some men. Despite being professionals or successful business people, they seem to have lost their humor and sense of adventure. I have never given up on the romantic notion of a wonderful, involved, caring lover sweeping into my life and wanting just me. It's a very seductive notion.

Hey, you older (and younger) men out there. Let that special women through your emotional roadblocks -- stop trying to live within the confines of a narrow, rigid life. Open a vein to self-discovery. Know that everything you do, like touching, a sweet kiss, listening, attentiveness, participating in responsibilities, sharing, being vulnerable -- is all a prelude to hot sex. It's the best foreplay I can think of.

Posted by Fran Metzman at 5:25 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)