So it turns out that I actually do enjoy reading books. Sometimes I forget that I enjoy this aspect of life - often it's forgotten during school. I know that every summer break in college I would just dig into the pleasure reading out there. You know what I'm talking about, the really crappy stuff out there.

Well, I don't get a break really ever. I mean, a week here and there gives me enough motivation to purchase books, but never to finish them. I have a compulsion to be with people, to a fault sometimes.

So in the past 18 hours, I've slept 12 of them (yay!) and read 3 of them. That's a beautiful thing.

Good books on the docket for now:
- I'm eating up Brennan Manning again. This time it's The Wisdom of Tenderness.
- Dorothy Sayer's Letters to a Diminished Church
- Merold Westphal's Overcoming Ontotheology: Toward a Postmodern Christian Faith

Ok, I'll admit it now. The third book is not a pleasure read, it's certainly a class read. The first two will be done before I tackle that one. But I have assigned chapters due in a month!

Off to beach and friends... I love "breaks."

Posted by Libby at 10:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

It would be a lie to claim I'm not tired, stressed, overwhelmed and burdened. It seems that many people at Fuller (well, in life) are dealing with a lot lately - an apparent season if you will. What's scarier? How many of us are hiding the stress by moving, participating in the daily grind ,solely because we think we're supposed to be okay at all times. I am simply overwhelmed in knowing just how much prayer, love, and support is needed at seminary, and yet how little we're all able to provide (or willing) toward one another.

Since when does seminary equate to the perfect person? The perfect image to be shared?

I've been questioning lately what the image of life as a disciple really looks like lived out. Is a Christian simply joyous at all times? That's the message I heard at my sister's graduation ceremony from a Christian college. I don't know how I feel theologically with that thought.

Some days aren't easy - this fact I am aware. And while I know that there's hope, I want to claim that hope at all times. But frankly, I'm not sure I'm there every single day. Some days, things just are not fair, fun or freeing. I want it, but I don't visibly see it.

I often forget that the daily grind helps us to walk past the actual things of our environment. I see it, feel it, and ache because of it. I want a change. I do.

I wish had some neat conclusion to fix this blog. I wish I had some simple ending.

But, alas, I don't. I'm lost, saddened, and hurt for my friends, colleagues, mentors, peers, and the Church. I wonder who else really feels the same way.

Posted by Libby at 4:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes in the grind of full-time classes, part-time work, bills, friendships, family (all far away), let alone all the loops life throws at you, I find myself stuck in the position of needing a pick-me-up and a reminder. Of? A reminder of why I'm here. Funny thing is, I had no idea that it was exactly what I needed. Praise God that I can claim him as Jehovah Jireh!

See, I miss my old 'new' home. At least I missed it. But I had the opportunity to head back this past weekend; it's been a long time.

And so I headed to the site of the lovely '07 blizzard in Indiana. Imagine this if you will. Friday, Feb. 16th, it's 87 degrees (F) in Pasadena, and I step onto a plane at LAX at 12:35 am on Sat with the temperatures hovering around 60 degrees. Totally delightful. So what happens, I land at 9:45 am in Indianapolis to 17 degrees (F - yes, not C). I mean, I grew up in the snow belt in PA, so this should NOT be shocking to my system. Well, it was. But 15 in of snow, and seeing no pavement or cement was a bit, ok, a LOT confusing.

I was quickly able to move past the weather, as I was blessed to surprise a large number of my 'former' students in Indianapolis at a retreat this weekend. The weekend was a blessing for a number of reasons:
- It was good to be 'home'
- I love bear hugs, and a lot of my boys gave great hugs when i saw them - i like surprises!
- I love bear hugs, and a lot of my girls gave amazing hugs when i saw them - yup, i still like surprises!
- people's facial expressions are amazing, especially when they don't expect to see your face!
- God poured out his love on me during this weekend
- I was reminded of my call in a profound way

I moved to Pasadena from Indianapolis to earn (as you can see) my Master of Divinity in Youth, Family and Culture. Two years of working in youth ministry in Indy (yay, Super Bowl Champs!) was amazing - in every sense of the word. It was amazing because God showed me my call, and at times with such specificity I could do nothing but stand in awe.

I spent the weekend laughing, smiling, giggling, grinning, and in awe of God's amazing gifts, power, and wonder. He reminded me so clearly that these people are those who sent me to Fuller, who sent me to be equipped, and why I am in this part of my journey.

My students opened up immediately with me, shared stories, cried with me, laughed (a LOT) with me, and communed in fellowship with me and their new sisters and brothers. I have arrived back in LA (4 hours ago, ha!) refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated. I went to the land of Hoosiers to surprise and serve; God amazingly did that and more right back to me. God's pretty cool, pretty stinking cool!

So the question now: What brought you here? What brings you here? How do you plan on keeping that fire alive? What do you need to keep that fire alive? God's subtle reminders are good, very good indeed.

Posted by Libby at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a friend at an undergraduate Christian university in the Midwest who writes for her school's admissions blog (I guess I befriend people just like me?). She was telling me the other day that her dad reads her blogs (she had no idea), and when she recently wrote about her staying up until the wee hours of the night doing homework for a class, and not really caring about the end result (ahh, senioritis), her dad read the note. Whoops! Don't worry, Dad, that's not me. I care about the work, I'm just really busy!

I hate falling asleep doing work. Clearly my body does too! Really, it's the notion that I need to reevaluate my priorities and my focus. But it's one thing to know this, and another thing to do it. I've just noticed how tired I've been lately on weekends, and how I really need rest.

Which has me thinking a lot - more than I'd like, actually. How am I am supposed to find rest and quiet time when I'm supposed to be in full-time classes, working part-time (25 hrs.), and maybe allowing for some fun in my life? I guess that's where I differ from others - I refuse to not have fun (lovely double negative there). I know I need fun to remain sane. Which is why I went on a retreat Thursday through Saturday, through the All Seminary Council (lovingly known as the ASC).

Now I knew this was going to be a bunch of sessions, talking about leadership, and there would be friends to hang out with, friends to me, etc. But it sounded restful enough. It was funny, our lunch table one day started discussing the ironic nature of the word retreat. How many times have you been on a retreat and actually rested? I always return from a retreat, no matter how amazing, exhausted and needing another retreat just to catch up from it. Which is unfortunate when you have 5 papers due the following week.

This will be a crazy week, but I hope to start to evaluate a bit more what rest looks like for me, for a student, a graduate student, a friend, a daughter, a child of God, and a sinner.

Posted by Libby at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've been wondering lately how it happens that you enter the world of graduate school (or even simply school), and suddenly everything exterior to that world is lost to you. I recall undergraduate work where I never watched TV (weird, I know) except for ER. I recall having to tell people I had a meeting every Thursday at 9:45 pm (I needed adequate time to return to my dorm room). I had a standing date (no, I didn't stand, but it was established) with one of my closest friends from college to watch ER. But other than sports, I think I was pretty unaware of the world surrounding me.

A few significant events hit our world and the US while I did my undergraduate work. We had no president for a few weeks (Pres. Bush vs. Pres. Gore), September 11th (as we studied the Tower of Babel in my Old Testament class that morning - I kid you not!), Operation Iraqi Freedom, bombing Afghanistan, and Saddam Hussein was captured. I'm sure there was more. When I moved to Indianapolis and became a "working" adult, I watched the news almost every night. I stayed updated through the liberal and conservative forms of media. I was knowledgeable about a wide variety of issues and topics in our culture. Then I moved to Los Angeles, California, which in my mind, is (or was) the mecca for current events.

Then suddenly, my awareness stopped. I think I've watched the news 10 times total since i moved, 4 times in my first week. Aside from the aforementioned tragic or life-altering events, I never knew what was going on in my community or my world while in college, and I am realizing the same could be true now that I'm in graduate school.

Is it realistic to assume that all students lack a wealth of information about the current events of our society? Or do we put so much pressure on the "perfect" grades and behaviors that we neglect to be aware of the surrounding climates? I'm all for learning - it is why I'm here. But I'm not all about forgetting the world.

Students here are involved in the world. Last week the School of Intercultural Studies' Graduate Union spent a week on a campaign the school has developed: The Needless Child Campaign It's just one example of people here rallying around a real current event (not that Britney broke up with Kevin - whoa, old news!)

But what makes this neglect of current events okay about the academician's life? What makes ignoring the world around us, even our own communities, for the sake of study wrong or right? Is it bad that I was unaware - or good?

So here I am saying that people are involved in the world events en masse, but I wonder how aware we all are of the day to day atrocities and occurrences. Is it bad or not? I'm not quite sure. But I do realize that I miss knowing what's going on - even though msn.com and I are best friends when i pull my the internet on my laptop, it doesn't mean that I'm really aware. And it doesn't mean that everyone is this way because I don't watch the news - but my impression thus far is that I'm in the norm.

So is it wrong or right? I'm not sure... I'd love some real debate on this. But I certainly am realizing that I am a bit uneasy about not knowing what the big issue in our country because I'm stuck in drama at Fuller. Maybe it's time to change... maybe.

Posted by Libby at 1:38 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I started off this year probably on two bad feet - the jet lag plus lack of sleep on a normal sleep schedule probably sent my immune system into overload, and then suddenly back into communal living and working, all while attempting to be in four classes has been to my detriment. Friends left and right were going down last week and the week prior - "I have a good immune system," I heartily retorted to my friends.

Wrong. It started to hit Thursday - that feeling you know it's not going to be a fun week, yeah, it came and is officially here with a vengeance. I found myself today attempting to play doctor and self-diagnose myself. So far I've hit sinus infection, ear infection, influenza, or pneumonia. Campus has lovingly coined the phrase "the plague" - it may not be bubonic, but it sure isn't pretty. Though I'm starting to think maybe it's just allergies (ok, i wish!). I'm not quite sure what this little friend of mine is, but we're at war and currently it's winning - but I refuse to lose. As soon as we figure out what doctor in the area is covered by my insurance from the East Coast, it'll be time for all of us to tango. So note to all incoming students - while seemingly unimportant, if you're bringing your own insurance from somewhere else, find out who covers you locally before you get here and are in the position I'm stuck in.

Clearly my blog here is different from the gentlemen to my left. They all seem to have a penchant for intellectual conversation; I speak my mind and do so bluntly. Get used to it I guess? That or someone in admissions will tell me to change my writing style and topics. Blame them if that happens, k?

This new quarter has me excited friends (and stalkers). I think God is up to some utterly insane things on this campus and in the lives of a lot of my friends. My prayer right now is that we becoming willing and malleable vessels. I hate that language something, but it's so true (really, i hate cliches... but why? i mean, they serve a clear purpose and people can easily comprehend their meaning... hmm, interesting). I just don't really appreciate or value the christianese. I don't even fully know what's "up" with God around here, but maybe later this week I'll write more about that itself. All-Seminary Chapel on Wednesday rocked, the Semi (school's newspaper) has been throwing some sweet challenges our way from student writers. Now I'm only curious if we're all going to be willing to be "real," as I mentioned earlier, and actually talk about these things.

I hope that forum is around soon... or I hope to hear about those conversations of depth occurring sooner rather than later, 'cause I'm sure that it's part of our call, or at least, my call at Fuller. We've gotta dig, and we've gotta be listening to one another (and unfortunately, our bubonic coughs!)

Posted by Libby at 2:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

For some reason, people think that I might have something worthwhile to say to people? Funny, very funny. I'm not sure how "intellectual" these blogs are going to be, friends near and afar. More likely, I'll write much in a narrative form - I've been told by intellectuals and, well, non-intellectuals, that I'm a narrative writer (people have been saying this for years). Actually, my favorite comment ever was: "you write as though I'm sitting in front of you" - so imagine that scary face to the left talking to you - don't worry, the earrings are gone, and my hair is tamed - a little.

It's only quarter number two for me; barely 4 months have been lived in California. Growing up in Pennsylvania for 22 years, and living in Indianapolis for the last 2 years, it's been a bit of an adjustment. Don't tell a lot of people though: I like to play it off as a calm, cool and collected individual. (Yes, I realize this is posted on the WWW of my current institution, but what students visit their current school's admissions page? Exactly!) I could say the adjustment has just been to the weather (which is certainly the truth - what's up with 75 degrees in January!?), or even just the clothing change (um, i like winter jackets, I miss it! And scarves!)

But truth be told, the adjustment is two-fold. I've left a community I love, direly, twice now. First college, now the church in Indy. I miss the constant community, the friends, the laughter, and, frankly, everything. I don't miss the politics, but welcome to life - it's here too. The second adjustment isn't so much to something I miss, but something I wish just didn't exist that I'm being forced to accept: loneliness. See, I know and trust so dearly and truthfully that G-d is passionately working in me and grasping me so tightly when I cry or hurt. But sometimes, when you're around all these people, the truth comes out. I don't always turn back to G-d. He's sitting there waiting, probably checking the watch often.

See, I'm around people everywhere - loads of people know my name, know tiny snippets of who I am. But they don't know the deep parts of my soul - and I really had this dream-world in mind where I'd walk into seminary and everyone would want to really know everyone else. Really, I've come to reconcile lately that everyone's just like me, whether they're 60, 22 or 30 years old; whether they're married or single. We're all lonely, it just manifests itself differently. So we play games, and we hurt, but we don't often tell the community (whatever it may be) what's actually wrong: vulnerability is scary and difficult. Seminary is just like the church, really. And that, breaks my heart. It shouldn't, but it does - I guess utopia really is a dream world (how ironic).

So this adjustment, this challenge I'm currently facing, I refuse to hide. I refuse to hide from the world or from Fuller that I want to be real and I want others around me to be real. I do not want to be afraid to not be like, or to not be accepted by everyone. What I do want, however, it to start on a path of love and transparency with my community and my friends. I want to be real, I want to be a follower of a G-d who so eagerly pursues me that that pursuit is equal. I want to fall back in love with my Savior in a way that leaves me not hurting when I'm lonely, but trusting that that loneliness may just be another opportunity for transparency and trust with G-d and my friends. We're students planning of serving G-d and the body of Christ and this broken world, but it's time the church (and seminary) not be afraid to show our faces, and really, show ourselves to one another. Humility isn't so fun with only half the crowd.

I feel a little like Jerry Maguire right now - don't worry, I don't think I'll be heading to Kinkos any time soon. Welcome to my adjustment. And welcome to the transparent life.

Posted by Libby at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)