I cannot begin to express how many times I've heard people say around campus in the last two weeks, "2008, it's gonna be great" or something along those lines. A) I hope so. B) Why are they saying that?

I think it somehow has has me contemplating the secretive brokenness of our culture, and specifically Fuller. The Christian subculture has this obsession with hiding our brokenness, with seeking to be accepted and loved for relevance, power, and spectacularity.

I must admit, it's a struggle I have. I like to be known. I like to be liked. I hunger to be liked. And I forget to seek the Cross as that only place; to say that I can do nothing but accept that I do nothing to define me, but to be aware that I am a beloved Child of the Almighty and Powerful God. In a market driven society, we find the need to be an object of love.

I'm listening to a professor lecture on this right now and I'm making the connection that even the desire for a year to "work out" better, to make us feel better, etc., is truthfully our desire to be in control of our lives. I wonder when we'll really get it; when we you get to the point that Jesus actually transforms the lives of the leaders. Ugh...

Posted by Libby at 4:19 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes in the grind of full-time classes, part-time work, bills, friendships, family (all far away), let alone all the loops life throws at you, I find myself stuck in the position of needing a pick-me-up and a reminder. Of? A reminder of why I'm here. Funny thing is, I had no idea that it was exactly what I needed. Praise God that I can claim him as Jehovah Jireh!

See, I miss my old 'new' home. At least I missed it. But I had the opportunity to head back this past weekend; it's been a long time.

And so I headed to the site of the lovely '07 blizzard in Indiana. Imagine this if you will. Friday, Feb. 16th, it's 87 degrees (F) in Pasadena, and I step onto a plane at LAX at 12:35 am on Sat with the temperatures hovering around 60 degrees. Totally delightful. So what happens, I land at 9:45 am in Indianapolis to 17 degrees (F - yes, not C). I mean, I grew up in the snow belt in PA, so this should NOT be shocking to my system. Well, it was. But 15 in of snow, and seeing no pavement or cement was a bit, ok, a LOT confusing.

I was quickly able to move past the weather, as I was blessed to surprise a large number of my 'former' students in Indianapolis at a retreat this weekend. The weekend was a blessing for a number of reasons:
- It was good to be 'home'
- I love bear hugs, and a lot of my boys gave great hugs when i saw them - i like surprises!
- I love bear hugs, and a lot of my girls gave amazing hugs when i saw them - yup, i still like surprises!
- people's facial expressions are amazing, especially when they don't expect to see your face!
- God poured out his love on me during this weekend
- I was reminded of my call in a profound way

I moved to Pasadena from Indianapolis to earn (as you can see) my Master of Divinity in Youth, Family and Culture. Two years of working in youth ministry in Indy (yay, Super Bowl Champs!) was amazing - in every sense of the word. It was amazing because God showed me my call, and at times with such specificity I could do nothing but stand in awe.

I spent the weekend laughing, smiling, giggling, grinning, and in awe of God's amazing gifts, power, and wonder. He reminded me so clearly that these people are those who sent me to Fuller, who sent me to be equipped, and why I am in this part of my journey.

My students opened up immediately with me, shared stories, cried with me, laughed (a LOT) with me, and communed in fellowship with me and their new sisters and brothers. I have arrived back in LA (4 hours ago, ha!) refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated. I went to the land of Hoosiers to surprise and serve; God amazingly did that and more right back to me. God's pretty cool, pretty stinking cool!

So the question now: What brought you here? What brings you here? How do you plan on keeping that fire alive? What do you need to keep that fire alive? God's subtle reminders are good, very good indeed.

Posted by Libby at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a friend at an undergraduate Christian university in the Midwest who writes for her school's admissions blog (I guess I befriend people just like me?). She was telling me the other day that her dad reads her blogs (she had no idea), and when she recently wrote about her staying up until the wee hours of the night doing homework for a class, and not really caring about the end result (ahh, senioritis), her dad read the note. Whoops! Don't worry, Dad, that's not me. I care about the work, I'm just really busy!

I hate falling asleep doing work. Clearly my body does too! Really, it's the notion that I need to reevaluate my priorities and my focus. But it's one thing to know this, and another thing to do it. I've just noticed how tired I've been lately on weekends, and how I really need rest.

Which has me thinking a lot - more than I'd like, actually. How am I am supposed to find rest and quiet time when I'm supposed to be in full-time classes, working part-time (25 hrs.), and maybe allowing for some fun in my life? I guess that's where I differ from others - I refuse to not have fun (lovely double negative there). I know I need fun to remain sane. Which is why I went on a retreat Thursday through Saturday, through the All Seminary Council (lovingly known as the ASC).

Now I knew this was going to be a bunch of sessions, talking about leadership, and there would be friends to hang out with, friends to me, etc. But it sounded restful enough. It was funny, our lunch table one day started discussing the ironic nature of the word retreat. How many times have you been on a retreat and actually rested? I always return from a retreat, no matter how amazing, exhausted and needing another retreat just to catch up from it. Which is unfortunate when you have 5 papers due the following week.

This will be a crazy week, but I hope to start to evaluate a bit more what rest looks like for me, for a student, a graduate student, a friend, a daughter, a child of God, and a sinner.

Posted by Libby at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

For some reason, people think that I might have something worthwhile to say to people? Funny, very funny. I'm not sure how "intellectual" these blogs are going to be, friends near and afar. More likely, I'll write much in a narrative form - I've been told by intellectuals and, well, non-intellectuals, that I'm a narrative writer (people have been saying this for years). Actually, my favorite comment ever was: "you write as though I'm sitting in front of you" - so imagine that scary face to the left talking to you - don't worry, the earrings are gone, and my hair is tamed - a little.

It's only quarter number two for me; barely 4 months have been lived in California. Growing up in Pennsylvania for 22 years, and living in Indianapolis for the last 2 years, it's been a bit of an adjustment. Don't tell a lot of people though: I like to play it off as a calm, cool and collected individual. (Yes, I realize this is posted on the WWW of my current institution, but what students visit their current school's admissions page? Exactly!) I could say the adjustment has just been to the weather (which is certainly the truth - what's up with 75 degrees in January!?), or even just the clothing change (um, i like winter jackets, I miss it! And scarves!)

But truth be told, the adjustment is two-fold. I've left a community I love, direly, twice now. First college, now the church in Indy. I miss the constant community, the friends, the laughter, and, frankly, everything. I don't miss the politics, but welcome to life - it's here too. The second adjustment isn't so much to something I miss, but something I wish just didn't exist that I'm being forced to accept: loneliness. See, I know and trust so dearly and truthfully that G-d is passionately working in me and grasping me so tightly when I cry or hurt. But sometimes, when you're around all these people, the truth comes out. I don't always turn back to G-d. He's sitting there waiting, probably checking the watch often.

See, I'm around people everywhere - loads of people know my name, know tiny snippets of who I am. But they don't know the deep parts of my soul - and I really had this dream-world in mind where I'd walk into seminary and everyone would want to really know everyone else. Really, I've come to reconcile lately that everyone's just like me, whether they're 60, 22 or 30 years old; whether they're married or single. We're all lonely, it just manifests itself differently. So we play games, and we hurt, but we don't often tell the community (whatever it may be) what's actually wrong: vulnerability is scary and difficult. Seminary is just like the church, really. And that, breaks my heart. It shouldn't, but it does - I guess utopia really is a dream world (how ironic).

So this adjustment, this challenge I'm currently facing, I refuse to hide. I refuse to hide from the world or from Fuller that I want to be real and I want others around me to be real. I do not want to be afraid to not be like, or to not be accepted by everyone. What I do want, however, it to start on a path of love and transparency with my community and my friends. I want to be real, I want to be a follower of a G-d who so eagerly pursues me that that pursuit is equal. I want to fall back in love with my Savior in a way that leaves me not hurting when I'm lonely, but trusting that that loneliness may just be another opportunity for transparency and trust with G-d and my friends. We're students planning of serving G-d and the body of Christ and this broken world, but it's time the church (and seminary) not be afraid to show our faces, and really, show ourselves to one another. Humility isn't so fun with only half the crowd.

I feel a little like Jerry Maguire right now - don't worry, I don't think I'll be heading to Kinkos any time soon. Welcome to my adjustment. And welcome to the transparent life.

Posted by Libby at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)