I'm either having a mid-life crisis of sorts, at the ripe quarter-century mark, or I'm over-stressed, over-burdened and needing a long break from life. Either way, I've been miserable lately to be around. I mean, I still am making people laugh, but my brain is not necessarily a place I want to be around, so I can only imagine how others may or may not feel.

The fact here is that nearly everything that I've held onto as comfortable or truth lately seems to be changing, growing, or molding itself. Jesus/God seem to be the only constantly, except well, even my freaking theology is molding.

Now I don't think that it's bad to have my theology molding. In fact, I think it's good to see things growing, or in the very least, to be exploring what I actually really and truly believe. Beyond this, it's been great to be really delving into why and how I believe my beliefs. But guess what?

I've got some major issues with my denomination, I'm realizing. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks around 10:15 am this morning in my American Church History class. I may not be what I always thought I was. Yeah... this is a problem.

So what does one do? What should I do? What can I do? Who do I talk to? Who feels the same way? How do I find people who feel the same way here? I'm sure they're all around me, in every corner that I may or may not turn, and yet I know nothing.

Literally, I feel lost and alone. I feel forgotten in ways, and ignored in others. I wonder if church leadership ever actually really teaches what it really and truly believes. I want to re-sit in on church membership classes. I don't remember learning ANY of this stuff in my confirmation classes, that's for sure.

I'm at a crossing point, and I'm not sure at all which way to go. North, South, East, or West - all of these directions seem hard, long and confusing. I trust in six months I'll be laughing, but momentarily, I'm not so much happy about it.

Posted by Libby at 6:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It would be a lie to claim I'm not tired, stressed, overwhelmed and burdened. It seems that many people at Fuller (well, in life) are dealing with a lot lately - an apparent season if you will. What's scarier? How many of us are hiding the stress by moving, participating in the daily grind ,solely because we think we're supposed to be okay at all times. I am simply overwhelmed in knowing just how much prayer, love, and support is needed at seminary, and yet how little we're all able to provide (or willing) toward one another.

Since when does seminary equate to the perfect person? The perfect image to be shared?

I've been questioning lately what the image of life as a disciple really looks like lived out. Is a Christian simply joyous at all times? That's the message I heard at my sister's graduation ceremony from a Christian college. I don't know how I feel theologically with that thought.

Some days aren't easy - this fact I am aware. And while I know that there's hope, I want to claim that hope at all times. But frankly, I'm not sure I'm there every single day. Some days, things just are not fair, fun or freeing. I want it, but I don't visibly see it.

I often forget that the daily grind helps us to walk past the actual things of our environment. I see it, feel it, and ache because of it. I want a change. I do.

I wish had some neat conclusion to fix this blog. I wish I had some simple ending.

But, alas, I don't. I'm lost, saddened, and hurt for my friends, colleagues, mentors, peers, and the Church. I wonder who else really feels the same way.

Posted by Libby at 4:42 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I have a friend at an undergraduate Christian university in the Midwest who writes for her school's admissions blog (I guess I befriend people just like me?). She was telling me the other day that her dad reads her blogs (she had no idea), and when she recently wrote about her staying up until the wee hours of the night doing homework for a class, and not really caring about the end result (ahh, senioritis), her dad read the note. Whoops! Don't worry, Dad, that's not me. I care about the work, I'm just really busy!

I hate falling asleep doing work. Clearly my body does too! Really, it's the notion that I need to reevaluate my priorities and my focus. But it's one thing to know this, and another thing to do it. I've just noticed how tired I've been lately on weekends, and how I really need rest.

Which has me thinking a lot - more than I'd like, actually. How am I am supposed to find rest and quiet time when I'm supposed to be in full-time classes, working part-time (25 hrs.), and maybe allowing for some fun in my life? I guess that's where I differ from others - I refuse to not have fun (lovely double negative there). I know I need fun to remain sane. Which is why I went on a retreat Thursday through Saturday, through the All Seminary Council (lovingly known as the ASC).

Now I knew this was going to be a bunch of sessions, talking about leadership, and there would be friends to hang out with, friends to me, etc. But it sounded restful enough. It was funny, our lunch table one day started discussing the ironic nature of the word retreat. How many times have you been on a retreat and actually rested? I always return from a retreat, no matter how amazing, exhausted and needing another retreat just to catch up from it. Which is unfortunate when you have 5 papers due the following week.

This will be a crazy week, but I hope to start to evaluate a bit more what rest looks like for me, for a student, a graduate student, a friend, a daughter, a child of God, and a sinner.

Posted by Libby at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes it becomes rather easy to forget about the preciousness of life, or maybe better put, the true lack of control we all possess. As Christians, we often use this language of control in conversations about God's sovereignty, omniscience, and power, but I wonder how much of it we actually believe. Truth be told, even the best of us don't really give enough credence to the fact that we have no control over instances. Even in the free will that I possess, I don't necessarily have control over what illnesses I will have, how my friend will respond to a comment, how the person in the left lane will turn, etc.

I'm not preparing to get into a theological argument about predestination vs. free will - maybe another day, at another time (when I'm a bit more awake and cognitively prepared to argue). But I have been thinking a lot lately about circumstances surrounding me that I have the choice in what I'm doing versus those moments when I hear news that I have literally no say in outcome or effects.

A professor of mine this quarter has been surprised, shall I say, by the recent events of his health. Two surgeries in three weeks would be a nice little surprise to me too. Another professor around here is terminally ill with cancer. (I mean, I guess in a horrifically pessimistic view we're all terminally ill, but that's just a silly statement, really!) But I wonder how many of the students around here, or how many people in general, really think about this notion that things are happening to every one of us that we don't care, want or know how to share together. Or even that things happen daily that we wish we could relive.

I wish I had that mulligan button to hit occasionally in life, but I don't. So I am left to relive or live out the effects of some of my choices and the choices of others. I wonder if it ever will feel okay, though.

Posted by Libby at 4:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The quarter system is probably going to confuse me for months still. I cannot believe it's already week 5 at Fuller. I'm halfway through a quarter and I can barely believe it, frankly. There's something quite bizarre in knowing that I have midterms this week, and a stack full of papers to be writing in the next 7 days.

In the midst of this quarter, I have seen so much change and my eyes seem to almost be playing games with me. It's hard to imagine that I'm in grad school, and it's hard to imagine that life is flying so rapidly.

I'm ready for some calm and, but the realization has hit me like a ton of bricks: the world isn't calm, it's my choice to make my life calm (or chaotic). I have no control over the calamities and chaos of the world surrounding me, but I do have a choice in how I react to it.

I wonder if that realization is a lesson that I need to take a chill pill in '07 - or if its God's subtle (or not so subtle) way of telling me that it's time to rest a bit more in His will and plans for my life. It certainly not easy, that's for sure. I hope I'm not the only person who feels this way.

Posted by Libby at 9:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

So I started off this year probably on two bad feet - the jet lag plus lack of sleep on a normal sleep schedule probably sent my immune system into overload, and then suddenly back into communal living and working, all while attempting to be in four classes has been to my detriment. Friends left and right were going down last week and the week prior - "I have a good immune system," I heartily retorted to my friends.

Wrong. It started to hit Thursday - that feeling you know it's not going to be a fun week, yeah, it came and is officially here with a vengeance. I found myself today attempting to play doctor and self-diagnose myself. So far I've hit sinus infection, ear infection, influenza, or pneumonia. Campus has lovingly coined the phrase "the plague" - it may not be bubonic, but it sure isn't pretty. Though I'm starting to think maybe it's just allergies (ok, i wish!). I'm not quite sure what this little friend of mine is, but we're at war and currently it's winning - but I refuse to lose. As soon as we figure out what doctor in the area is covered by my insurance from the East Coast, it'll be time for all of us to tango. So note to all incoming students - while seemingly unimportant, if you're bringing your own insurance from somewhere else, find out who covers you locally before you get here and are in the position I'm stuck in.

Clearly my blog here is different from the gentlemen to my left. They all seem to have a penchant for intellectual conversation; I speak my mind and do so bluntly. Get used to it I guess? That or someone in admissions will tell me to change my writing style and topics. Blame them if that happens, k?

This new quarter has me excited friends (and stalkers). I think God is up to some utterly insane things on this campus and in the lives of a lot of my friends. My prayer right now is that we becoming willing and malleable vessels. I hate that language something, but it's so true (really, i hate cliches... but why? i mean, they serve a clear purpose and people can easily comprehend their meaning... hmm, interesting). I just don't really appreciate or value the christianese. I don't even fully know what's "up" with God around here, but maybe later this week I'll write more about that itself. All-Seminary Chapel on Wednesday rocked, the Semi (school's newspaper) has been throwing some sweet challenges our way from student writers. Now I'm only curious if we're all going to be willing to be "real," as I mentioned earlier, and actually talk about these things.

I hope that forum is around soon... or I hope to hear about those conversations of depth occurring sooner rather than later, 'cause I'm sure that it's part of our call, or at least, my call at Fuller. We've gotta dig, and we've gotta be listening to one another (and unfortunately, our bubonic coughs!)

Posted by Libby at 2:14 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)