I've re-written this blog about 4 times now. I keep walking away and the battery dies - hence, lost blog. Then of course there's the question of how am I going to write another years' worth of engaging blogs. Quite frankly, I'm not sure. I don't know if I even did that quite effectively last year. But another year, and another set of questions and ponderings that I'll leave the viewing audience. Hopefully it'll say "something." I think I'm starting to get a list of things generated to discuss. I hope it proves - interesting? engaging? readable? Anything, I hope!

This summer was certainly a bit different of an experience than I was expecting. I traveled across the U.S. more times than I imagined, danced the day away at one of my best friends' weddings, took classes at Fuller, deepened and developed new and lasting friendships, and dug myself into a whole in the IDL world. That, and lived in California during the summer, and moved twice during that time. It was fun. Sometimes.

Fuller is a funny place - it's a place I constantly find myself questioning, getting angered by and falling in love with on a weekly basis. At one point, I called this conundrum bi-polar. But now I think I've come to accept it as life. None of us are really ever that consistent with our emotions that we don't have love-hate relationships with either the world we live in or the people around us. Human depravity is our reality. Or in the very least, it's certainly mine.

I wonder though - are we, at Fuller, really ready and prepared to engage in that reality? Are we really okay with admitting that not everything here is the heaven-on-Earth motif we imagined? I'm a pessimist to the core at times (and frankly, an optimist at others). Let's be honest, I'm weird. But, even though I came to Fuller hoping that my expectations weren't all going to be crushed, I knew that it too wasn't going to be perfect. Then there were days when it met every expectation. Then there are the days when it certainly falls short.

My question for you is simple: Are you okay with that reality? Are you okay with going to a school that is just like the rest of this world? Are you ready for a challenge.

I hope you are. I hope that Fuller is ready for us, too.

Posted by Libby at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Sometimes in the grind of full-time classes, part-time work, bills, friendships, family (all far away), let alone all the loops life throws at you, I find myself stuck in the position of needing a pick-me-up and a reminder. Of? A reminder of why I'm here. Funny thing is, I had no idea that it was exactly what I needed. Praise God that I can claim him as Jehovah Jireh!

See, I miss my old 'new' home. At least I missed it. But I had the opportunity to head back this past weekend; it's been a long time.

And so I headed to the site of the lovely '07 blizzard in Indiana. Imagine this if you will. Friday, Feb. 16th, it's 87 degrees (F) in Pasadena, and I step onto a plane at LAX at 12:35 am on Sat with the temperatures hovering around 60 degrees. Totally delightful. So what happens, I land at 9:45 am in Indianapolis to 17 degrees (F - yes, not C). I mean, I grew up in the snow belt in PA, so this should NOT be shocking to my system. Well, it was. But 15 in of snow, and seeing no pavement or cement was a bit, ok, a LOT confusing.

I was quickly able to move past the weather, as I was blessed to surprise a large number of my 'former' students in Indianapolis at a retreat this weekend. The weekend was a blessing for a number of reasons:
- It was good to be 'home'
- I love bear hugs, and a lot of my boys gave great hugs when i saw them - i like surprises!
- I love bear hugs, and a lot of my girls gave amazing hugs when i saw them - yup, i still like surprises!
- people's facial expressions are amazing, especially when they don't expect to see your face!
- God poured out his love on me during this weekend
- I was reminded of my call in a profound way

I moved to Pasadena from Indianapolis to earn (as you can see) my Master of Divinity in Youth, Family and Culture. Two years of working in youth ministry in Indy (yay, Super Bowl Champs!) was amazing - in every sense of the word. It was amazing because God showed me my call, and at times with such specificity I could do nothing but stand in awe.

I spent the weekend laughing, smiling, giggling, grinning, and in awe of God's amazing gifts, power, and wonder. He reminded me so clearly that these people are those who sent me to Fuller, who sent me to be equipped, and why I am in this part of my journey.

My students opened up immediately with me, shared stories, cried with me, laughed (a LOT) with me, and communed in fellowship with me and their new sisters and brothers. I have arrived back in LA (4 hours ago, ha!) refreshed, renewed and reinvigorated. I went to the land of Hoosiers to surprise and serve; God amazingly did that and more right back to me. God's pretty cool, pretty stinking cool!

So the question now: What brought you here? What brings you here? How do you plan on keeping that fire alive? What do you need to keep that fire alive? God's subtle reminders are good, very good indeed.

Posted by Libby at 11:05 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The quarter system is probably going to confuse me for months still. I cannot believe it's already week 5 at Fuller. I'm halfway through a quarter and I can barely believe it, frankly. There's something quite bizarre in knowing that I have midterms this week, and a stack full of papers to be writing in the next 7 days.

In the midst of this quarter, I have seen so much change and my eyes seem to almost be playing games with me. It's hard to imagine that I'm in grad school, and it's hard to imagine that life is flying so rapidly.

I'm ready for some calm and, but the realization has hit me like a ton of bricks: the world isn't calm, it's my choice to make my life calm (or chaotic). I have no control over the calamities and chaos of the world surrounding me, but I do have a choice in how I react to it.

I wonder if that realization is a lesson that I need to take a chill pill in '07 - or if its God's subtle (or not so subtle) way of telling me that it's time to rest a bit more in His will and plans for my life. It certainly not easy, that's for sure. I hope I'm not the only person who feels this way.

Posted by Libby at 9:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

For some reason, people think that I might have something worthwhile to say to people? Funny, very funny. I'm not sure how "intellectual" these blogs are going to be, friends near and afar. More likely, I'll write much in a narrative form - I've been told by intellectuals and, well, non-intellectuals, that I'm a narrative writer (people have been saying this for years). Actually, my favorite comment ever was: "you write as though I'm sitting in front of you" - so imagine that scary face to the left talking to you - don't worry, the earrings are gone, and my hair is tamed - a little.

It's only quarter number two for me; barely 4 months have been lived in California. Growing up in Pennsylvania for 22 years, and living in Indianapolis for the last 2 years, it's been a bit of an adjustment. Don't tell a lot of people though: I like to play it off as a calm, cool and collected individual. (Yes, I realize this is posted on the WWW of my current institution, but what students visit their current school's admissions page? Exactly!) I could say the adjustment has just been to the weather (which is certainly the truth - what's up with 75 degrees in January!?), or even just the clothing change (um, i like winter jackets, I miss it! And scarves!)

But truth be told, the adjustment is two-fold. I've left a community I love, direly, twice now. First college, now the church in Indy. I miss the constant community, the friends, the laughter, and, frankly, everything. I don't miss the politics, but welcome to life - it's here too. The second adjustment isn't so much to something I miss, but something I wish just didn't exist that I'm being forced to accept: loneliness. See, I know and trust so dearly and truthfully that G-d is passionately working in me and grasping me so tightly when I cry or hurt. But sometimes, when you're around all these people, the truth comes out. I don't always turn back to G-d. He's sitting there waiting, probably checking the watch often.

See, I'm around people everywhere - loads of people know my name, know tiny snippets of who I am. But they don't know the deep parts of my soul - and I really had this dream-world in mind where I'd walk into seminary and everyone would want to really know everyone else. Really, I've come to reconcile lately that everyone's just like me, whether they're 60, 22 or 30 years old; whether they're married or single. We're all lonely, it just manifests itself differently. So we play games, and we hurt, but we don't often tell the community (whatever it may be) what's actually wrong: vulnerability is scary and difficult. Seminary is just like the church, really. And that, breaks my heart. It shouldn't, but it does - I guess utopia really is a dream world (how ironic).

So this adjustment, this challenge I'm currently facing, I refuse to hide. I refuse to hide from the world or from Fuller that I want to be real and I want others around me to be real. I do not want to be afraid to not be like, or to not be accepted by everyone. What I do want, however, it to start on a path of love and transparency with my community and my friends. I want to be real, I want to be a follower of a G-d who so eagerly pursues me that that pursuit is equal. I want to fall back in love with my Savior in a way that leaves me not hurting when I'm lonely, but trusting that that loneliness may just be another opportunity for transparency and trust with G-d and my friends. We're students planning of serving G-d and the body of Christ and this broken world, but it's time the church (and seminary) not be afraid to show our faces, and really, show ourselves to one another. Humility isn't so fun with only half the crowd.

I feel a little like Jerry Maguire right now - don't worry, I don't think I'll be heading to Kinkos any time soon. Welcome to my adjustment. And welcome to the transparent life.

Posted by Libby at 7:07 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)