I've re-written this blog about 4 times now. I keep walking away and the battery dies - hence, lost blog. Then of course there's the question of how am I going to write another years' worth of engaging blogs. Quite frankly, I'm not sure. I don't know if I even did that quite effectively last year. But another year, and another set of questions and ponderings that I'll leave the viewing audience. Hopefully it'll say "something." I think I'm starting to get a list of things generated to discuss. I hope it proves - interesting? engaging? readable? Anything, I hope!

This summer was certainly a bit different of an experience than I was expecting. I traveled across the U.S. more times than I imagined, danced the day away at one of my best friends' weddings, took classes at Fuller, deepened and developed new and lasting friendships, and dug myself into a whole in the IDL world. That, and lived in California during the summer, and moved twice during that time. It was fun. Sometimes.

Fuller is a funny place - it's a place I constantly find myself questioning, getting angered by and falling in love with on a weekly basis. At one point, I called this conundrum bi-polar. But now I think I've come to accept it as life. None of us are really ever that consistent with our emotions that we don't have love-hate relationships with either the world we live in or the people around us. Human depravity is our reality. Or in the very least, it's certainly mine.

I wonder though - are we, at Fuller, really ready and prepared to engage in that reality? Are we really okay with admitting that not everything here is the heaven-on-Earth motif we imagined? I'm a pessimist to the core at times (and frankly, an optimist at others). Let's be honest, I'm weird. But, even though I came to Fuller hoping that my expectations weren't all going to be crushed, I knew that it too wasn't going to be perfect. Then there were days when it met every expectation. Then there are the days when it certainly falls short.

My question for you is simple: Are you okay with that reality? Are you okay with going to a school that is just like the rest of this world? Are you ready for a challenge.

I hope you are. I hope that Fuller is ready for us, too.

Posted by Libby at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I'm either having a mid-life crisis of sorts, at the ripe quarter-century mark, or I'm over-stressed, over-burdened and needing a long break from life. Either way, I've been miserable lately to be around. I mean, I still am making people laugh, but my brain is not necessarily a place I want to be around, so I can only imagine how others may or may not feel.

The fact here is that nearly everything that I've held onto as comfortable or truth lately seems to be changing, growing, or molding itself. Jesus/God seem to be the only constantly, except well, even my freaking theology is molding.

Now I don't think that it's bad to have my theology molding. In fact, I think it's good to see things growing, or in the very least, to be exploring what I actually really and truly believe. Beyond this, it's been great to be really delving into why and how I believe my beliefs. But guess what?

I've got some major issues with my denomination, I'm realizing. It kind of hit me like a ton of bricks around 10:15 am this morning in my American Church History class. I may not be what I always thought I was. Yeah... this is a problem.

So what does one do? What should I do? What can I do? Who do I talk to? Who feels the same way? How do I find people who feel the same way here? I'm sure they're all around me, in every corner that I may or may not turn, and yet I know nothing.

Literally, I feel lost and alone. I feel forgotten in ways, and ignored in others. I wonder if church leadership ever actually really teaches what it really and truly believes. I want to re-sit in on church membership classes. I don't remember learning ANY of this stuff in my confirmation classes, that's for sure.

I'm at a crossing point, and I'm not sure at all which way to go. North, South, East, or West - all of these directions seem hard, long and confusing. I trust in six months I'll be laughing, but momentarily, I'm not so much happy about it.

Posted by Libby at 6:58 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's been a while. Let's put it this way - I'm really tired, really busy, and really kind of stressed lately. I feel like I'm either moving at 100 mph or I'm about to fall asleep. Such is the life of a grad student who gets involved in people, school and work. I had started another blog a few weeks ago. I had no idea it was two weeks ago, however. Yikes!

That blog began with more reflections on Virginia Tech. I've continued to process, think and pray about the events that occurred since then. I find it so funny (in a completely non-humorous sort of a way) how the media can become so obsessed one minute, and move completely beyond the next. I wonder how we are supposed to be living in a world where things are constantly changing, to embrace that change, and yet remain focused upon the fact that life does not always move on for others.

It seems that the process of grief for our culture is often stymied because of our constant need to "move on" with life. Anyone who chooses to dwell in the moment is immediately chastised as being overly dramatic or unrealistic about the way our world works. I wonder how I'm supposed to be ok with the world working that way, when I know the gospel message is also telling me that I'm not supposed to be living just like the rest of the world.

The culture war has been really on my heart lately. Am I supposed to just forget about VT? Am I supposed to dwell instead? What is the right response? As a Christian, am I supposed to be outraged about the media's compulsion to focus so much attention upon ethnicity, and almost ignoring psychological implications of a young man? Should my heart be broken, instead, that the media completely ignored the thousands of deaths that occur daily in places like Darfur and Iraq?

I truly believe that God places hurt and compassion on the hearts of his children (different ways and types), but some days it seems like there's too much hurt and not enough focus and direction. Maybe it is my momentary cynicism, but momentarily, I feel heartache and wonder at how I'm supposed to laugh when I see all this hurt everywhere.

God's grace abounds - I see it in my home, my friends, my family. I experience the fruits of it when I know I am the least deserving. But some days, I wish that empathy would wash over me more frequently, that I would be more burdened to think before I speak, to speak out when I should, and to love the best I can. It's like the movie Pay It Forward, maybe?

I don't know. What I do is there's not easy way to end this except to say that I cannot imagine living in this world not knowing and trusting in the hope of a omniscient creator who is much smarter than I. I'm glad there are answers. I just wish I knew how to tap into it more effectively.

Posted by Libby at 5:49 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

i wrote something yesterday that's currently piqued my mind - so I figured I'd share here. I said I don't like cliches and Christianese. There's this language in the Christian subculture (leave a comment if you're already confused) that helps Christians all figure out who we all are. You know what I'm referring to; the born again, repentance, washed in the blood, forgiveness, saved language that we all flippantly throw around as we learn the lingo of the church. I don't see God only speaking English, or speaking Christianese. I see her/him speaking the language of the lost.

Did I say God swears?

No, not necessarily.

But I do think he's in a gay bar, at a sports event, in the classroom, on the field, at the hospital, in a restaurant, etc. And in all of these places, God hurts, cries, aches, and speaks to the people, the hurt the lost, and the broken. Do Christians do this all the time? How are we known? How am I known as a Christian? For pete's sake, am I known as a Christian?

How do I want to be known as a Christian? By the perfect language that hints at my overzealous perfectionism? By my Icthus adorned Honda Civic, that as I drive past someone, I still can flip them off b/c they cut me off? By the t-shirt i wear with the language that only Christians are going to get, and could be frankly rude or offensive inadvertently by mocking the secular society?

My favorite Christian artists (and I don't have many, frankly), Justin McRoberts, has a whole album on this issue... really, its part of his ministry to Christians - to slap them upside the head. He has this shirt that I utterly love; the shirt says this:

they will know we are Christians by our t-shirts

preach it, Justin... preach it...

thoughts?

Posted by Libby at 9:22 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)