I sat in an interview on Wednesday. I was interviewing at a relatively large suburban church in the LA area for my internship, and I was again reminded of the major frustration and concern I have faced while contemplating a "call to ministry." I've written about this before, but I think God is calling me to really start some intentional processing about where I stand in all of this blurred confusion.

I have a class this quarter on ecclesiology and eschatology, where I will be a part of a presentation on women's ecclesiology. My family ministry course has already left me questioning numerous times about the role of women in youth ministry. I always find myself feeling second rate when I contemplate ministry. It's not just because I am a woman, but because I sense a deep and specific call to youth ministry. Somehow being both a woman and one who believes she'll be doing youth ministry the rest of her life as equating to be a second-rate pastor and leader.

I don't know if I ever fully understood how I felt as having a lower-class standing in the church, or even in seminary, until I was being interviewed last week. The woman who interviewed me did not directly make me feel as if I were a second-rate citizen, but somehow I drove away feeling down and depressed about my role in the church. I found myself thinking that I don't want to be stuck in this system. I wonder if it's a title issue that I need to reconcile. She used the phrase "associate pastor" and for the first time in my life, I thought, "wait a second, I could be a senior pastor!" I don't know if it was just to again fight against the norm, or if it was because I do not want to be limited because of someone else's definition of women's ecclesiology. I always felt like I didn't know if I could really trust a woman in the pulpit this whole time that I've wanted someone else to respect me.

I had a boss who once told me that he did not think he could honestly ever feel comfortable working at a church under a woman. I remember feeling a mixed bag of emotions. First, I wanted to lurch across the room and strangle him, to be perfectly honest. Did he not realize he was speaking to the same person who 5 minutes earlier he had told had a strong gift of leadership and administration? Did he not tell me that I am going to be powerful and gifted member of the leadership of the little "c" church? But you know, you can't work under someone who has two x-chromosomal genes? Awesome. Totally awesome.

And so somehow Wednesday I found myself thinking, you can't stop me from being the woman God has called me to. That's when it hit me. Have I been boxing in my own call in some deep dark dungeon simply because I felt the need to live under the auspices of appropriate or acceptable church hierarchy? I certainly hope not. I have hope for the church - it's found only in the redemption of Christ. I just hope we're willing to let that hope play out. I hope so. I really do.