Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the idea of sharing wisdom or insights into my seminary experience with a bunch of people I don't know at all. (Please note that I typed 'college' instead of seminary the first time through - irony? Maybe.) I guess the reality that I am shaping the image of Fuller in someone's mind is kind of freaky - I mean, it is my experience, my ideas, my struggles, my dilemmas.

I do not at all do things "right" all the time. I mess up. I am at fault. It's funny how knowing that others could guess that from reading between the lines is somewhat humbling. But at the same exact time, its actually rather invigorating. I have these moments when I really wonder what I am doing, what God wants my heart to be following. Am I supposed to do X, Y or Z. In our college ministry leadership team, I remember my mentor asking us to visually describe what we want from God. I said a lightning storm. Everyone thought I meant one lightning bolt saying "do this Libby."

Nope. I wanted a million of those. But lately I've been reevaluating that very desire. Do I really want to know every little detail about my life. Do I believe my path in life is so specifically mapped out that I am just a mere puppet under God's control?

We seem to live in that world in a large percentage of Christianity. We must know really know God's will if something goes terribly wrong. Or we did something bad, and we're paying the price. God is condemning the church.

I don't know, I think the God I believe in, more and more, has been revealed to me to be a God of utter mystery. I like that mystery. I like not quite knowing what is in store. All the time - NOT. But when I look back on the last 5 years of my life, did I want God to tell me every lightning bolt that did happen in my life, if they were in fact all supposed to have happened? Heck no. What story is that really?

I used to always read the last few pages of a book before I started it. I always seemed to forget the ending anyway. While it certainly seemed to calm me to know how it ended, it never meant nearly as much as when I took the journey with the writer, and let the writer create and change the path as I was willing to ride along.

I guess that's what I hope is really the call of Christianity - or the call of Christians. To let God write a path, but certainly not jump ahead in the story. I can read into things as much as I want, but that's not always the point, is it? You all are on a journey with me - for the good, the bad and the ugly moments.

Posted by Libby at 8:00 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In college, my Public Relations Media professor forced us to write a daily journal about something in the news. Her recommendation was that as public relations professionals we needed to know more about the world than the bubbles we would and do live in. It helps keep us connected and marketable in conversation; that we knew what we were talking about and how to reach those in that audience. Hmm, bubbles.

It has me thinking more about this world - Fuller. Is it a bubble? Tonight I sat on one of our couches with 9 friends watching The Office which is certainly my favorite show. Thanks to TIVO, Thursday nights is my roommate's and my time to gather friends from different pockets of our world to laugh, talk and de-bubblize.

Tonight on our three couches I had roommates, friends from old housing complexes, a friend I met 5 weeks ago in my apartment for Lost viewing party (also on a Thursday!), a new friend who has been sleeping on our couch since Monday night, and friends I've known since day 1 at Fuller. There's this unique story I share with each of them, and it's certainly entertaining to see it all come together.

It's funny how that works. All of those stories are unique and funny. It's funny how I got to watch a 5-minute video a group of friends have produced. It's called The Sold Project and it's devoted to raising awareness of and fighting human trafficking in America and abroad. It's an amazing project that has brought together amazing people from different parts of the US. One of those new friends' just moved to Pasadena 6 weeks ago to join their team and do their marketing. He lives with Fuller students, is not one, yet he's in my world and the Fuller circle. His heart and passion for the gospel bleeds through his work - incredible!

Another friend - sleeping on the couch momentarily - is connected to a friend from Fuller. He called my roommate last week and asked if his friend could crash a few nights while she's checking out the School of Intercultural Studies at Fuller and the LA area. In her stay, she's connected with The Dream Center and made connections for her own job in Michigan, which happens to deal with - yup, human trafficking. Crazy. She met my friend from here, not in college, but in Europe while he's backpacking. When her world starts sending her towards LA and Fuller, again their worlds can connect. Yet her connections don't stop - she's connected to a friend who is living with the people who started The Sold Project - they were college acquaintances. She's got this amazing intuitive and caring heart - seeking justice and really seeking God's path. Amazing.

Is it just that world is so small? Or is it that God is so big? Do these connections in my world happen just on a fluke? I certainly can't say a definitive "yes" or "no" to either question. But God has this incredible way of humbly reminding me that Fuller isn't just Fuller. It's about making connections, networking, and realizing that this world isn't meant to be lonely. Graduate school isn't meant to be without people or without community. I laughed hysterically tonight watching Jim's fake proposal. But I beamed deeply inside at the little version of community I sensed for an hour in apartment #5.

Posted by Libby at 12:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I sat in an interview on Wednesday. I was interviewing at a relatively large suburban church in the LA area for my internship, and I was again reminded of the major frustration and concern I have faced while contemplating a "call to ministry." I've written about this before, but I think God is calling me to really start some intentional processing about where I stand in all of this blurred confusion.

I have a class this quarter on ecclesiology and eschatology, where I will be a part of a presentation on women's ecclesiology. My family ministry course has already left me questioning numerous times about the role of women in youth ministry. I always find myself feeling second rate when I contemplate ministry. It's not just because I am a woman, but because I sense a deep and specific call to youth ministry. Somehow being both a woman and one who believes she'll be doing youth ministry the rest of her life as equating to be a second-rate pastor and leader.

I don't know if I ever fully understood how I felt as having a lower-class standing in the church, or even in seminary, until I was being interviewed last week. The woman who interviewed me did not directly make me feel as if I were a second-rate citizen, but somehow I drove away feeling down and depressed about my role in the church. I found myself thinking that I don't want to be stuck in this system. I wonder if it's a title issue that I need to reconcile. She used the phrase "associate pastor" and for the first time in my life, I thought, "wait a second, I could be a senior pastor!" I don't know if it was just to again fight against the norm, or if it was because I do not want to be limited because of someone else's definition of women's ecclesiology. I always felt like I didn't know if I could really trust a woman in the pulpit this whole time that I've wanted someone else to respect me.

I had a boss who once told me that he did not think he could honestly ever feel comfortable working at a church under a woman. I remember feeling a mixed bag of emotions. First, I wanted to lurch across the room and strangle him, to be perfectly honest. Did he not realize he was speaking to the same person who 5 minutes earlier he had told had a strong gift of leadership and administration? Did he not tell me that I am going to be powerful and gifted member of the leadership of the little "c" church? But you know, you can't work under someone who has two x-chromosomal genes? Awesome. Totally awesome.

And so somehow Wednesday I found myself thinking, you can't stop me from being the woman God has called me to. That's when it hit me. Have I been boxing in my own call in some deep dark dungeon simply because I felt the need to live under the auspices of appropriate or acceptable church hierarchy? I certainly hope not. I have hope for the church - it's found only in the redemption of Christ. I just hope we're willing to let that hope play out. I hope so. I really do.

Posted by Libby at 5:53 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

There's something to be said for venturing across the country to go to school. It's a different experience to pull away from everything you once knew: people, places, community, cultures. I came to Fuller in Fall of '06 knowing my life was going to change. And looking back just 18 months, some days I'm in utter shock by just how crazy and different it has been. LA is different from Western Pa and Indianapolis. It just is.

Part of the process is reconciling the move means that there will be significant moments in your life that you cannot be a part of back at home. It means recognizing that changes will happen and your next time back, they will again never be the same. I've found the ability exists to ignore the changes. Obviously, though, it ends up hurting us all in the long run.

The last few weeks have been rather difficult, and for the first time in a long time, I've found myself not saying anything to people about what's going on. I've had two deaths back on the East coast and some other major drama taking place that no one knows about. It makes me really question the role of community and when we abuse the very essence of community for the role of pity parties.

What is the role of Fuller and its purported community. I want to believe that it's to share with one another, to grow and to struggle together. But sometimes I really cannot reconcile my experience with my expectations. What I am aware of, however, is that things happen and I can't go home. I can't travel back for funerals because I have classes and no money. It kills me to miss yet another funeral when my old community will gather together and yet have no one to really share in the remorse. I guess it's just where I have to wholeheartedly cling to the promise that God can heal and love in the midst of hurt.

Posted by Libby at 9:49 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Well, I've hit it. It. The halfway point. Have I seriously been in LA for 18 months? I've been in seminary for six (yes, 6) quarters now. I'm honestly rather shocked by this very idea quite often. I'm not quite sure how this happened or why it is so alarming. Maybe it only reminds me that a year and a half from now, I'll be potentially moving? A real job? No more internships?! No freaking way!

All of this transition has led to an overwhelming amount of processing and questioning in the last few months. It's not so much that I do not believe in or trust my call to ministry. But I sincerely have been asking the question of "is that all?" I feel selfish when I think it. I feel like I'm a brat, to be perfectly honest. It sounds as though I don't value or really comprehend the brevity of a call to ministry, let alone what i call a deep and meaningful call to youth ministry.

The one thing that I do believe is that my life for years to come is going to include reading often about culture, youth ministry, families, crisis, pastoral counseling, psychology, and adolescence. This is where my life narrows. For all the time I can spend avoiding homework reading blogs about March Madness, analyzing my bracket, finding new music or reading about the new Indians' season, I cannot deny that my heart bleeds and tears when I still get phone calls from back in Indiana.

it is my call. I just wish God wasn't always so ambiguous about its' praxis in my dang life.

Posted by Libby at 10:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)