I have to admit that a year ago when I started blogging here for Fuller, I was quite convinced, in some fashion, at least, that I would never touch the one topic that I assumed many expected of me: women in ministry. I think I might be ready to move past that stubborn decision. My choice to avoid the topic was more to say (without saying it, of course) that it's not what rules my life, nor is it something that the church needs to fixate upon.

Well I guess lately I've realized just how many parts of my world seem to be colliding with my inherent struggle with leadership and women. I have so many questions - a never-ending slew seems to grow exponentially.

My family didn't really raise me in a Christian home. I was raised by loving parents. And yes, my parents eventually became practicing Christians. But the morals of my home were not Christian; they were conservative, however. I know that my parents stated often as I was growing up that I was a natural born leader. People at my high school would say the same. I was somewhat reticent of such lofty terms, but at the same time, honestly I thrived off of the notion that I was someone to whom people turned.

When my faith started to evolve, I never really made a clear connection that my natural personality could ever conflict with my faith - that would have been an illogical connection. Yet as I've continued to grow, and have larger eyes to view the world and life, I've come to realize that I live in conflict. The conflict isn't my own, but it is within the subculture of Christianity and with American culture.

I want to believe that I can still be who I am in the church and not run into challenges because I am a woman. I want to believer that I can be respected as a person, not as a person with different anatomy. But the reality is that I do feel judged. Add together my gender, my age and my marital status and I'm a walking time-bomb for what I don't want to be viewed as. To half of the anglo-saxon culture, I feel useless or unappreciated quite often. I can't imagine what the addition of race could do to this present reality.

I abhor the reality that because I am not married, a woman and not 30+ that I have absolutely no wisdom and insight to impart. This reality scares me knowing what my future profession is - will the church ever really accept me as an intern as anyone but that 'cute girl' who helped out for a while? Would I be viewed to as a pastor or that young girl? Am I going to be forced to either be too hard-nosed to convey my occasional bouts of wisdom?

Will I always be assumed or deemed an unslightly word because I happen to have strong opinions? How is it that a man of the same age and marital status as I can say in a meeting about "topic A" the same exact same thing as I would, and he gets applauded while I am ignored, or worse, shot down? How do people think that makes me feel?

I don't quite understand it. And I don't like it. But the reality is it seems to happen more often than I want. And women, let's be honest - we do it to other women, too. For some reason, strength as a woman in our culture is equated to abrasive, inappropriate, and disdainful. And this fact actually applies to not only the Christian subculture, but also the postmodern American culture. Could the church ever find itself responding before the rest of culture?

Somehow, I severely doubt it...

That's where I'm at lately - I love being a woman, but I recall many times uttering "I wish I were a man." The church needs to figure out how to love women who aren't frilly, or instinctually the most maternal. Just because I do not like roses, pastel pink, or agree with Captivating does not make me any less of a woman. Or at least, that's what I thought Paul was getting at...