I have to admit that a year ago when I started blogging here for Fuller, I was quite convinced, in some fashion, at least, that I would never touch the one topic that I assumed many expected of me: women in ministry. I think I might be ready to move past that stubborn decision. My choice to avoid the topic was more to say (without saying it, of course) that it's not what rules my life, nor is it something that the church needs to fixate upon.

Well I guess lately I've realized just how many parts of my world seem to be colliding with my inherent struggle with leadership and women. I have so many questions - a never-ending slew seems to grow exponentially.

My family didn't really raise me in a Christian home. I was raised by loving parents. And yes, my parents eventually became practicing Christians. But the morals of my home were not Christian; they were conservative, however. I know that my parents stated often as I was growing up that I was a natural born leader. People at my high school would say the same. I was somewhat reticent of such lofty terms, but at the same time, honestly I thrived off of the notion that I was someone to whom people turned.

When my faith started to evolve, I never really made a clear connection that my natural personality could ever conflict with my faith - that would have been an illogical connection. Yet as I've continued to grow, and have larger eyes to view the world and life, I've come to realize that I live in conflict. The conflict isn't my own, but it is within the subculture of Christianity and with American culture.

I want to believe that I can still be who I am in the church and not run into challenges because I am a woman. I want to believer that I can be respected as a person, not as a person with different anatomy. But the reality is that I do feel judged. Add together my gender, my age and my marital status and I'm a walking time-bomb for what I don't want to be viewed as. To half of the anglo-saxon culture, I feel useless or unappreciated quite often. I can't imagine what the addition of race could do to this present reality.

I abhor the reality that because I am not married, a woman and not 30+ that I have absolutely no wisdom and insight to impart. This reality scares me knowing what my future profession is - will the church ever really accept me as an intern as anyone but that 'cute girl' who helped out for a while? Would I be viewed to as a pastor or that young girl? Am I going to be forced to either be too hard-nosed to convey my occasional bouts of wisdom?

Will I always be assumed or deemed an unslightly word because I happen to have strong opinions? How is it that a man of the same age and marital status as I can say in a meeting about "topic A" the same exact same thing as I would, and he gets applauded while I am ignored, or worse, shot down? How do people think that makes me feel?

I don't quite understand it. And I don't like it. But the reality is it seems to happen more often than I want. And women, let's be honest - we do it to other women, too. For some reason, strength as a woman in our culture is equated to abrasive, inappropriate, and disdainful. And this fact actually applies to not only the Christian subculture, but also the postmodern American culture. Could the church ever find itself responding before the rest of culture?

Somehow, I severely doubt it...

That's where I'm at lately - I love being a woman, but I recall many times uttering "I wish I were a man." The church needs to figure out how to love women who aren't frilly, or instinctually the most maternal. Just because I do not like roses, pastel pink, or agree with Captivating does not make me any less of a woman. Or at least, that's what I thought Paul was getting at...

Posted by Libby at 11:27 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

As a child growing up in Western Pa., I recall a project in high school where we talked about where we wanted to live as adults, and where we wouldn't want to live. I loved to travel and explore and had travelled quite a bit of the East Coast at that point. I thought about all of the different weather anomalies that potentially would freak me out, the overall climate, and the sports in the regions.

My choice: anywhere but California.

Oh the humor of God.

The two things that freaked me out: earthquakes and fires. I have a HUGE fear of both fire and heights, and I have equated heights to earthquakes. I hate lighting a match - I don't want to catch myself on fire. Irrational? Yes. Valid? I think so.

So, in the last two weeks, what has the weather been like in Southern California? Two weeks ago it was grey clouds, misting and in the 60s. Then we had a 4.2 earthquake 15 mi. from Pasadena around 2:30 am (it woke me up, but I didn't "feel" it). Now, forest and brush fires all over southern california. And I'm okay, too.

Good thing I have some rationality left and haven't headed back to the East Coast to escape - - quite yet.

More on fires next week...

Posted by Libby at 5:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

You know, God's pretty funny.

I've think I've always been a person who has struggled with pride - we certainly all can struggle with it in varying levels, but it's always been a significant issue for me. I waver between two dichotomous ends - I am either extremely confident (read: prideful) or I'm extremely insecure (read: prideful). Yes, that's what I said.

People joke with me all the time about my "popularity" at Fuller. Frankly, I think it's a ridiculous notion. I do certainly know a lot of people. I like being known, and I really think it speaks more to my nosey-ness and over-inquisitive nature than anything else.

But sometimes my pride can get totally in the way (shocking, is it not?). When you know a lot of people, you end up knowing a lot about a lot of people. And, well - newsflash: every is not perfect. Sometimes when I know these things, I hide from those people who are broken and I know their story. I don't want to continue to love, or be the natural, outgoing, goofy, Libby. Why? No freaking idea. I'm embarrassed for them? I'm embararrssed for what I know? I'm unwilling to allow relationships with the 'others' to be hard? I want everything in life to be easy? I want everything in seminary to be easy (oh, the irony)? It could be all of these things, and so much more, most likely.

Well, today in church (I went to two different ones) I heard completely different sermons with different topics, but with the same illustration of something I've been doing that has been prideful and self-loving, not other's loving.

Ouch. Funny, very funny, God.

I get... I get... but I don't always like. That is me being, as always, a little bit too honest.

Posted by Libby at 11:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last Sunday I had the opportunity to go to church in Valencia, Ca. Opportunity might be a weird choice to describe it, as it was more of an adventure/morally depressing adventure.

I certainly have a way of turning normal things into dramatic mis-adventures. But, I've got to be honest - I was beyond shocked and disturbed by what happened when I was at the church that I visited a week ago. Communion was served on Sunday, and we were each passed, with a paper bucket, individually wrapped plastic cups with a cover which included an individually wafer. I mean, I get why this product was made. It's for hospital visits, the military...

But (and this is a huge one) I do not at all, whatsoever, in any way shape or form, get why it's okay to have a coffee creamer cup with wafer in the wrapper to substitute for human beings interacting during the Eucharist. What in the world has happened to the Church when we put 50 "Remembrance" communion cups into a paper basket (much like that for KFC Chicken) and pass it down the row nonchalantly?

As my friend Kristin and I headed to Valencia to see Justin McRoberts lead worship. We went in part to go somewhere different, in part to see a musician we appreciate aesthetically and theologically leading us in a communal activity - worship. Little did we know...

I'll cut out all the details sans communion. It was certainly my favorite (please note the sarcasm) element (no pun intended). A paraphrasing of the invocation to the Eucharist: "We're celebrating communion to remind us that Christ died for us. Please pass the bucket and take communion."

Ahh, yes... I get it now. It's really disheartening to me to know that the celebratory meal that we are supposed to share together, communicating the death and miraculous resurrection of the one we call Christ has been boxed into cardboard and plastic to pass down a row, so to save time.

Yet another reminder of why I am in seminary and what the world is actually like. I wonder how many other things (less blatant) actually slip past my mind on a daily and weekly basis at church that would/could offend me to such a level.

:::::::..::::be not far off (psalm 22):::.:::justin mcroberts:::

Posted by Libby at 9:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I've re-written this blog about 4 times now. I keep walking away and the battery dies - hence, lost blog. Then of course there's the question of how am I going to write another years' worth of engaging blogs. Quite frankly, I'm not sure. I don't know if I even did that quite effectively last year. But another year, and another set of questions and ponderings that I'll leave the viewing audience. Hopefully it'll say "something." I think I'm starting to get a list of things generated to discuss. I hope it proves - interesting? engaging? readable? Anything, I hope!

This summer was certainly a bit different of an experience than I was expecting. I traveled across the U.S. more times than I imagined, danced the day away at one of my best friends' weddings, took classes at Fuller, deepened and developed new and lasting friendships, and dug myself into a whole in the IDL world. That, and lived in California during the summer, and moved twice during that time. It was fun. Sometimes.

Fuller is a funny place - it's a place I constantly find myself questioning, getting angered by and falling in love with on a weekly basis. At one point, I called this conundrum bi-polar. But now I think I've come to accept it as life. None of us are really ever that consistent with our emotions that we don't have love-hate relationships with either the world we live in or the people around us. Human depravity is our reality. Or in the very least, it's certainly mine.

I wonder though - are we, at Fuller, really ready and prepared to engage in that reality? Are we really okay with admitting that not everything here is the heaven-on-Earth motif we imagined? I'm a pessimist to the core at times (and frankly, an optimist at others). Let's be honest, I'm weird. But, even though I came to Fuller hoping that my expectations weren't all going to be crushed, I knew that it too wasn't going to be perfect. Then there were days when it met every expectation. Then there are the days when it certainly falls short.

My question for you is simple: Are you okay with that reality? Are you okay with going to a school that is just like the rest of this world? Are you ready for a challenge.

I hope you are. I hope that Fuller is ready for us, too.

Posted by Libby at 2:51 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)